Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Weekly Irrational Fears
Since the moment I found out that I was pregnant I have been plagued by what I refer to as "weekly irrational fears" Some are far more silly than others but I've been told that the constant worrying doesn't go away once the baby gets here. No wonder mothers seem so crazy!
The first fear is miscarriage. I went through the phone calls in my mind where I would have to call up people and say "never mind - we're not expecting anymore". Never before have you examined toilet paper after you wipe so closely.
Then you worry about stretch marks, your husband finding you attractive, the scale hitting proposterous numbers and so on.
This was followed by SIDS, Downs, Autism and any other disease that you hear about. I had to veto shows like "Babies: Special Delivery" and "Diagnosis X".
I was stuck on the fear of pooping during labor for a while and then I watched a Baby Story where the woman in labor freaked out and started making the strangest noises. I was so scared that I was going to "make an ass of myself" during labor. I even asked my Aunt (who I hadn't talked to in a couple of years) who's an OB nurse if she's ever embarrassed for the women in labor. She said no so I felt a little better.
Other fears have included:
1. Evelynn loving her dad more than me.
2. Dropping the baby
3. Post partum depression
4. Having an anxiety attack during labor
5. The epidural needle hitting my spine and paralyzing me.
6. Brian dying and leaving me alone to raise the baby.
7. My boobs haven't started leaking yet, this means that my milk won't come in and I will be looked down upon by other mommies. I even squeezed my boobs to see if anything would come out. Not a very proud moment.
8. Falling off of the counter while watering my plants on top of my kitchen cupboards (Brian's been given this job)
9. Not feeling connected to the baby.
10. Not being ready to be a mother.
11. A C-Section.
12. That she'll hate her name.
13. Pedophiles
14. The way teen girls dress these days.
15. That she won't be cute and I will be oblivious while others talk about how not cute my baby is.
16. That Brian and I will suddenly hate eachother and I will end up divorced and Evelynn will say "my parents split when I was very young".
And many more.
I would love to say that this is a new thing with pregnancy. But I have had strange irrational fears all my life. I can't shower without looking out the shower curtain every few moments to make sure that no one is watching me. When I shampoo my hair I have to have one eye open at all times. This way if I can keep checking outside the shower curtain and if I get soap in that eye I can use the other one. I hate being in places where I can't breathe well - saunas, convertibles, tanning booths, Phoenix. I am petrified of statues because they seem like they are soul-less beings. I have to touch something before I touch a light switch or appliance for fear of electrocution.
I will sign off before two men run in with a straight jacket from the asylum.
The first fear is miscarriage. I went through the phone calls in my mind where I would have to call up people and say "never mind - we're not expecting anymore". Never before have you examined toilet paper after you wipe so closely.
Then you worry about stretch marks, your husband finding you attractive, the scale hitting proposterous numbers and so on.
This was followed by SIDS, Downs, Autism and any other disease that you hear about. I had to veto shows like "Babies: Special Delivery" and "Diagnosis X".
I was stuck on the fear of pooping during labor for a while and then I watched a Baby Story where the woman in labor freaked out and started making the strangest noises. I was so scared that I was going to "make an ass of myself" during labor. I even asked my Aunt (who I hadn't talked to in a couple of years) who's an OB nurse if she's ever embarrassed for the women in labor. She said no so I felt a little better.
Other fears have included:
1. Evelynn loving her dad more than me.
2. Dropping the baby
3. Post partum depression
4. Having an anxiety attack during labor
5. The epidural needle hitting my spine and paralyzing me.
6. Brian dying and leaving me alone to raise the baby.
7. My boobs haven't started leaking yet, this means that my milk won't come in and I will be looked down upon by other mommies. I even squeezed my boobs to see if anything would come out. Not a very proud moment.
8. Falling off of the counter while watering my plants on top of my kitchen cupboards (Brian's been given this job)
9. Not feeling connected to the baby.
10. Not being ready to be a mother.
11. A C-Section.
12. That she'll hate her name.
13. Pedophiles
14. The way teen girls dress these days.
15. That she won't be cute and I will be oblivious while others talk about how not cute my baby is.
16. That Brian and I will suddenly hate eachother and I will end up divorced and Evelynn will say "my parents split when I was very young".
And many more.
I would love to say that this is a new thing with pregnancy. But I have had strange irrational fears all my life. I can't shower without looking out the shower curtain every few moments to make sure that no one is watching me. When I shampoo my hair I have to have one eye open at all times. This way if I can keep checking outside the shower curtain and if I get soap in that eye I can use the other one. I hate being in places where I can't breathe well - saunas, convertibles, tanning booths, Phoenix. I am petrified of statues because they seem like they are soul-less beings. I have to touch something before I touch a light switch or appliance for fear of electrocution.
I will sign off before two men run in with a straight jacket from the asylum.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
3D Ultrasound
This was seriously an awesome experience. And, as I figured, my baby has a little attitude. Once again she had her hand over her face and at one point she stuck out her tongue! I am in love though. She is so cherub-like and sweet. I am so glad that they waited to do it until she had some body fat on her - any younger and they look really creepy (or creepier depending on if you think that these ones are creepy... which, many do and that's ok).
The crankiness comes and goes but I am not miserable. On days like today I just love my live (despite my crappy job) and I love my family. I am a very lucky girl. I have a healthy baby in me and a wonderful stepson, a pain in the ass husband and a great dog! Honestly add to this an excuse to eat hamburgers and lay with my feet elevated who could ask for more?
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