Checking In

I thought that perhaps I would put a "normal" post on here as I know I have seemed like a crazy lady lately. If it comes through in your blog, then you know there's a problem!

I know that I have mentioned that work has been slow lately, but it has gotten to the point where I am actually trying to work slower to ensure that my afternoons aren't so full of dead time.

This weekend we had a bunch of people over to hear Brian's band. It went much better than I thought it would. A ton of people came up to him and said things like ' don't take this the wrong way, but this was WAY better than what we expected '. He was really proud. I got to show off my cute house and this makes me very happy. It also gave me a reason to clean for most of Saturday. Sunday we took Grandma out for lunch and were just lazy for the remainder of the day.

I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and I am so thankful that I read the book first. I ended up turning it off. They left out crucial parts of the book that are needed to fully understand the character. One of the main things that sets her apart is the way that she looks at the world. The character in the movie is not near as fascinating as the one in the book.

Per a close friends recommendation (Hi Quel) I also watched Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus. I really loved it. It has a lot of truth too, I know that when I was in Georgia I was more aware of God, you can feel it down there. Must be all the God-fearing kin folk or something. I also recommend this movie. We should all search for the gold tooth in God's crooked smile.

Wedding planning is going well. It will be a lot better when our location is built and we can visualize what kind of ceremony/reception we are looking at. We have tried to figure it out through the framing and plans...but neither Brian or I are very construction literate. He wants to send out the invitations like, yesterday...but I would like to make sure that we are inviting people to the actual location of the wedding first. Everyone knows essentially when it is.

Have I mentioned that I am petrified of marriage? Scared to death. I am so excited about my actual ceremony, I think about it at night and fall asleep with a little smile on my face. I have my dress saved on my favorites on my computer and I look at it throughout the day and let out a dreamy sigh... but the actual thought of marriage. . . makes me want to run and hide. I am already living as if I were married, and when I pray I get really calm and know that I am where I am supposed to be. But I don't know 40-year old Nisha, what if she's really mad at me for the decisions I'm making right now? I'm easily overwhelmed, I suppose the vastness of forever and two entire futures (plus children) is enough to make anyone get a lump in their throat. It's a leap of faith, my odds are fifty fifty. I will have to work every day to make it work, the notion is just insane sometimes! lol.

MUCH better

So once again life is looking good to me. I hate rough patches, but I suppose that they are par for the course in the game of life. I realized that I have really wonderful friends, fiance and even my doctor, nurse and counselor. I am truly a blessed girl.

Work has slowed down considerably lately, I have been done putting in orders and everything by three or three thirty. I used to barely get out of here on time. It should speed up soon though because the schools start purchasing again during the summer for the upcoming year.

No more what ifs

I have spent the past five days bed-ridden with anxiety. I am sick of it running my life. I went to my counselor and she told me that I need to get back on my medication right away. I am going this morning at nine o'clock. I don't care if I need to take medication for the rest of my life, people with heart diseases don't think twice...why should I? I'm sick of not eating, I've lost six pounds.

I just took on too much, and I have been trying to be perfect to everyone and have tried to keep everyone happy. Anyone's stress I take on as my own and make myself sick. I am going to go back to counseling to learn how to not do that.

I urge anyone that is sick with anxiety or depression to not be afraid and to take any measures needed to help themselves. I know that it seems dark and hopeless and you are the only one that can fix it...however weak and hopeless you feel. You can get through it. Life is genuinely good, sometimes you can just get overwhelmed and need a little help. And think of how lucky we are in this generation to have the medical profession understand so much about it. I plan to take advantage of that and get better.

Much too efficient

I am BORED! I have finished everything that I had pending and the last five minutes are dragging. I feel like I can feel the second hand clicking, and I think it hesitates before it does so. So, I get to ramble and have it up for the world to see. This is what I am driven to. I keep trying to jump on myspace, but once I do I realize that I don't have anything to do on there. I'm not quite sure how it keeps some people occupied for long periods of time. Ah well, maybe I'm just bitter because not much happens for me! ; )

Tonight is dinner with the in-laws and Grandma. There is some tension from recent comments and so on. Of course, we will all pretend like everything's just fine and smile through clenched teeth. They will leave and I will be able to fight with Brian in private! haha.

I just finished the book Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood. I recommend it to any girl that is much like myself and was usually the last one standing and could outdrink most of the guys. That seems to become your identity after a while, and it's hard to turn your back on that girl. Very hard.

Before that I read Running with Scissors (disturbingly good) and Memoirs of a Geisha (loved it, but was a little disappointed to realize that I wasn't actually reading a true story...the joys of being blonde I suppose).

I get to play Easter Bunny this weekend and I am very excited about that. Oakley asked for a harmonica...fingers crossed I can find one!

No Go

Apparently I was ripped off when I bought my Neon and they couldn't go through with the trade-in, so for now I get to keep my car...however I am being constantly reminded about what we can't do- without a truck. Meh. I'm over it. I can laugh about it a little bit as I picture Rick the Dealer, Brian and his dad standing around with hands on their hips talking about how women shouldn't be able to buy cars by themselves. Brian's father has been adamently trying to get me to cancel my warrantee, this may also keep him up at night. But if I run out of gas on the side of the road and want roadside assistance...by God I will pay the extra $2 a month to ensure that. And, I don't mind the idea of stressing him out a bit over my $2 a month rip-off.

Tonight is band practice in my garage. sigh. I am trying as hard as I can to stretch my day a bit so that I don't have to endure the entire "set list". I have heard Brians' songs a million times and even if I'm present for the entire 3-hour jam session he insists on bringing in the recording of it and pointing out highlights while he plays the CD over my television on the DVD player (ruining any chance of distracting myself watching the TV guide station).

I never did point out that I found my dream wedding dress! You know it's the right one when you feel skinny in it. Not just acceptable... like an actual toothpick. No wait! A HOT toothpick! haha.

My visit with Clara and Brandy was tons of fun and well overdue. Unfortunately they brought a huge snow storm with them so they couldn't enjoy the lovely weather we usually have. That's ok though. Game night was a huge success and Buddy has a huge crush on Brandy. He's been a little down since she left and walks around with the toy she bought him in his mouth. (or what's left of it.) He tried to chase me this morning as I was leaving for work. This resulted in at least three laps around my car in the middle of the cul de sac with Brian right behind him yelling every word in the book. By the time we got him back on the porch the cat had escaped. Brian held the dog down while I ran to my car to leave and he knew he was in trouble and accidentally peed on him! Brian said through clenched teeth "leave NOW". I just stood there for a moment with my hand over my mouth. He must love his Tuesdays off. Especially because I wake up pissed off every week. My mornings are very fragile! ; )

Keep on Truckin'

I drive a Neon. Worse, a Neon with a spoiler...which makes it sporty. When I went car shopping I didn't care if I went home in a two-tone 85 Le Sabre, the only criteria I had is that I didn't want a Neon. I bought a brand new one.

Brian has hated my car from day one, I realize that it's not the greatest thing but I think his strong feelings for it keep him up at night. There have been many weekends that we decide to run errands together and he requests I drive, I do this without thinking. Suddenly he suggests that we just "stop by" a dealership and check out other vehicles. I get so stressed out because I don't want to just trade my car in on a random Sunday afternoon. Finally, yesterday we test drove trucks and I agreed that we will trade in my car on a family truck. This way we can build our dog run and finish our landscaping. Brian will become popular to his buddies on moving day. He and his father are at the dealership right now trying to make a deal and they will call me when they need my signature. I prefer it this way because car deals make me very uncomfortable, mostly because the dealers are so stereotypical. The one that is currenlty helping us has a limp, false huge teeth and a gigantic gold sapphire ring on his pinky. His name is Rick and "he's been doing this for 13 years".

Brian turned 34 on Sunday and we went to Sushi. I use this term very loosely in Prescott. I'm not big on the lingo or any of the other culture that goes along with it. However, I'm pretty sure that the sushi cooks behind the counter aren't supposed to be a white boy and a Mexican with slightly slanted eyes. Also, our waiter was a veteran meth user and resembled Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. He also had tight jeans, a plaid shirt and a leather bill fold hanging out of his back pocket. I overheard conversation at the other table "Jim likes Ginger...don't you Jim. Did I ever tell you the story of when I fell off the ladder?" I doubt we will return anytime soon.

Florida was beautiful weather and it was nice to get away. I think that the best part was returning because Brian and I missed eachother so much. The first day was quite the honeymoon. That lasted less than a day! ; ) It was a lot of hard work and a long week away, however I missed a snow storm here and got to hang out at the beach one morning so I won't bitch too much. My skin loathed the humidity and I came back with a horrible complexion. I am such a desert girl.