Guest Book

PostPartum Obsession

I heard once that having a baby is having your heart live out of your body. It sounds like an exaggeration - but it's actually an understatement. It's a little piece of your soul in pink crocs. It's never being able to listen to a news story about neglected children, it's giving to St. Jude's because you can't look away, it's having your daughter vomit in your mouth and spitting it out because you are more concerned about her than anything else. It's the happiest that I have ever been in my whole life.


I am not sure how it happened but I'm pretty sure that Evelynn grew three feet during her 2nd nap today. When I went in to get her I had a little girl

standing there in her crib grinning ear to ear. My little baby is growing up and I feel like mommy has gotten wiser but then has become a million times more vulnerable.


When I first had Evie there was a complete transformation that nobody talks about. It never came up in birthing class or in any of my books. I had to will myself to care about anything or anybody else other than my baby. I literally had to force myself to make those relationships a priority again. Everything from my houseplants to my marriage were not only put on the back burner - but I really didn't care where they were. Nothing, and I mean nothing mattered but that little being in my arms and whether or not she was ok.

Some women are afraid that their looks or body will fade. I say that they should be thankful when that concern returns. I will admit that I was happy to see my ankles again - but other than that I may as well have been a walking portal in which to nourish and care for Evelynn.

Time carries on and eventually I bought new non-maternity underwear and visited my husband in the garage. I watered my plants and patted my dog on the nose again. I fed my cat and brushed my hair. The curling iron has just now found it's way back into my routine - but lord knows it's not daily.

The first year I was a zombie-love-portal for something that weighs less than 20 lbs. I had facial hair, dark roots and I'm still sporting a killer mom-front-butt. But if you were to stand me next to the skinny, 18-year-old beauty I was you would see that I am just now sporting the confidence and pride that I lacked. I don't have a killer career, a million dollars, a title, pedigree or great arms in a tank top. But I have a little girl that lays her head on my shoulder when she doesn't feel well. And I've been able to let other things matter to me.


Now my husband and dog are back in my bed. I've started to scrapbook the jillion pictures I've taken. I'd love to say things were back to normal. But as of a year ago my life will never, ever be the same.

Today

Today is Evelynn's first birthday party. Last year at this time I had no clue that I would be a mommy two weeks early - however I would have hugged someone if they told me that!

It's so funny watching Evie this morning because she has no clue that there will be an onslaght of presents and admirers tonight. I even have her presents set out and she has no clue. She really only cares about head diving off of the couch onto the air mattress with Oakley.

Pictures to follow and Evie's one year newsletter. It's so bittersweet. I am so excited for everything that she is doing and all of her new discoveries. But I am losing my little teeny baby.

I was tagged by Heather -

3 Favorite Last Purchases....
1. New scrubs
2. Two very soft T-shirts from JCPenney
3. Evie's birthday presents and Halloween costume

3 Favorite Movies...
1. Moulin Rouge
2. My Big Fat Greek Wedding
3. Waitress

3 Things I Haven't Done Yet...
1. Traveled abroad
2. Gone to college
3. learned to sew

3 Things I Cannot Live Without...
1. My Family
2. My books
3. My pets

3 Favorite Dishes...
1. Chicken & Dumplings
2. Beans & Cornbread
3. Salmon & Brown Rice

3 Favorite TV Shows...
1. Jon & Kate + 8
2. Tori & Dean
3. House Hunters

3 Last Places I Traveled...
1. SLC
2. Jerome
3. Las Vegas (Heather's travelogue is far cooler than mine)

3 Things I Would Buy if Money Weren't an Issue...
1. A child's bookstore, just like the one in You've Got Mail.
2. A larger house.
3. A restaurant for Brian

3 Wishes...
1. For Evie and Oakley to grow up healthy & happy
2. To be the kind of wife and mommy that would make my mom proud
3. To be holding my pain-in-the-ass husband's hand in 100 years

I tag:
(I think Tray is the only one that hasn't been tagged yet...)

11 Months

Dear Evie,

I am sitting here at 7 am after sleeping through the night! This is the second time in your life you've done that and the first mommy sat up worried the whole time. This time I slept and I feel like a whole new woman.

You have had a very busy couple of months! You had your cousins in town in August and then over labor day weekend you went on your first airplane ride to Salt Lake City. I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Suddenly I was the girl on the airplane that people would be giving dirty looks and wouldn't want to sit by. But you were SO good. Charming really. You got to meet so many people that are so important to mommy. They couldn't believe how pretty and good natured you are. I was just glad that I didn't have to say over and over "I swear she's really never like this" like I did in my pre-vacation nightmares. I suppose it's mommy's role to get ready for the worst just in case.

Speaking of getting ready for the worst I was petrified of getting you into your own bed. Scared to death. I had people telling me it was going to be hell but to be strong. I had people on standby who I would call when you were crying and crying. Even your doctor told me that since I had waited this long to get you into your own bed that you would be there until slumber party age and would only get out then because you were embarrassed. I told myself that I would wait until after our vacation so that I wouldn't undo everything that I did while we were gone. It took a couple of days of putting it off once I got home but daddy made the first move. He put you in your play pen and went outside to clean the windows (he cannot stand to hear his little girl cry, tough guy image aside). When he came back in you were asleep and slept for TWO hours. This is the first time that you have slept that long alone and you've only slept that long a few times next to someone. Then we moved you into your crib for a nap and you passed right out. During the

whole transition you never cried for even five minutes. You were so ready to be in your own bed with your own space. A huge thank you is in order to your Aunt Kimberly for realizing that you were a blankie baby and buying you two identical security blankets. You rub the satin between your fingers to fall asleep. Finally I have been replaced as your security blanket.

You started crawling on your 10 month birthday. At first it was a strange gangster/pirate crawl because you couldn't figure out how to get one leg underneath you. So it was a half-bear crawl.

You have another tooth breaking through on the top. This makes three but this third one has pretty much kicked your butt~!

You pull yourself up but not as much as most babies. I can't get you to sit down in the bathtub but when I pick you up and try to get you to stand you tuck your little legs underneath you.

It seems like every month I think that this is the funnest age but the past two have been remarkably enjoyable. You say kitty, doggy, mama and dada and shake your head no. You also do the cutest dances but only to certain songs. It's hilarious the ones that you decide to dance to. You love to make people smile and laugh and you honestly seem upset when others are not happy around you.

I am currently planning for your one-year birthday party and it fills me with a huge sense of accomplishment for making it through the first year and everything that we've come through. However it also makes me sad. The kind of sad when your summer vacation is over and you had such a blast but you're a little excited for the school year. I am filling my days with Cinderella invitations and blue streamers. Once again I can't stress to you enough how much my heart swells with pride at the little girl you are becoming.

Love,

Mama

p.s. I hope that your withdrawl symptoms go away now Tray! : )