PostPartum Obsession

I heard once that having a baby is having your heart live out of your body. It sounds like an exaggeration - but it's actually an understatement. It's a little piece of your soul in pink crocs. It's never being able to listen to a news story about neglected children, it's giving to St. Jude's because you can't look away, it's having your daughter vomit in your mouth and spitting it out because you are more concerned about her than anything else. It's the happiest that I have ever been in my whole life.


I am not sure how it happened but I'm pretty sure that Evelynn grew three feet during her 2nd nap today. When I went in to get her I had a little girl

standing there in her crib grinning ear to ear. My little baby is growing up and I feel like mommy has gotten wiser but then has become a million times more vulnerable.


When I first had Evie there was a complete transformation that nobody talks about. It never came up in birthing class or in any of my books. I had to will myself to care about anything or anybody else other than my baby. I literally had to force myself to make those relationships a priority again. Everything from my houseplants to my marriage were not only put on the back burner - but I really didn't care where they were. Nothing, and I mean nothing mattered but that little being in my arms and whether or not she was ok.

Some women are afraid that their looks or body will fade. I say that they should be thankful when that concern returns. I will admit that I was happy to see my ankles again - but other than that I may as well have been a walking portal in which to nourish and care for Evelynn.

Time carries on and eventually I bought new non-maternity underwear and visited my husband in the garage. I watered my plants and patted my dog on the nose again. I fed my cat and brushed my hair. The curling iron has just now found it's way back into my routine - but lord knows it's not daily.

The first year I was a zombie-love-portal for something that weighs less than 20 lbs. I had facial hair, dark roots and I'm still sporting a killer mom-front-butt. But if you were to stand me next to the skinny, 18-year-old beauty I was you would see that I am just now sporting the confidence and pride that I lacked. I don't have a killer career, a million dollars, a title, pedigree or great arms in a tank top. But I have a little girl that lays her head on my shoulder when she doesn't feel well. And I've been able to let other things matter to me.


Now my husband and dog are back in my bed. I've started to scrapbook the jillion pictures I've taken. I'd love to say things were back to normal. But as of a year ago my life will never, ever be the same.