When you say nothing at all ~

I've been thinking lately of those awkward moments when someone is hurting and you would do anything to make it stop. As you grasp for the right words to say all that comes to mind are cliches - which you want to make seem heart felt. People mean well, but can say the stupidest things.

Take miscarriages for instance. "It just wasn't right, it's God's way, It'll happen for you, you can always try again". What's the right thing to say?

I sat between two beautiful, smart, amazing women while waiting for a table one night. I was slouched down with my hand on my stomach feeling the baby kick while they talked about giving themselves horomone shots in their stomach. I held my breath to keep from crying. I wanted to tell them how brave I think they are, how deserving they are - but I didn't say much. There have been many times that I have felt undeserving of my pregnancy. There are so many other women that have tried so hard. I got pregnant the first month of trying. I honestly just don't get it. My heart aches for couples with fertility problems.

A coworker of mine lost her little girl to brain cancer. She had people tell her "well - at least you have other children, she's in a better place..."

When I was attacked by a man that had climbed through my windown I had people say "well - at least he didn't actually rape you, at least you weren't hurt". Yes - this is true, but sexual predators enjoy the humiliation of their crime. Not the sex or the pain inflicted.

I have made the decision to stop trying to grasp for just the right thing to say. Nothing that I can say is going to take away their pain or suddenly make them feel better. They know that if they need anything I am here. They know that if they need to talk I am here. They know that I am sorry. I am not some wise woman that is going to make the earth quake with my amazing advice. I will say that I am sorry - give them a hug. And to quote Keith Whitley - You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

I don't rule.

I have officially moved from damn uncomfortable to pretty miserable. I didn't sleep at all last night due to my swollen, tender legs and needing to pee. I woke up with bags under my eyes like I've never seen before (and I'm sure will see again once the baby is here) and went to the restroom. I stood up and nearly dropped to my knees. It felt like someone had kicked me in the crotch. I went from leaning back when I walked to leaning over like an old woman. I showed up at work 10 minutes late with wet hair, no make up and shuffling very slow.

My appointment was at 10:15. As I drove this is what I imagined....

I arrive to the doctor, pee in a cup (one of those satisfactory pees, not a pregnant "are you kidding me... I had to go so bad and that's it?!" pees). They call me back right away and my weight and blood pressure are fine. Actually for the first time ever I didn't even think about the scale until I was nearly to the doctor's office. The doctor does the exam and her eyes get very big - I'm ____ cm dialted! (I leave that blank because I don't know exactly what would warrant this wonderful reaction from my doctor). She then tells me that I'm nearly ready and need to get to the hospital stat! She can't believe how far I've progressed. I must be really great at labor and child birth! I then imagined the phone calls to Brian and others and try to think of the best way to get my hospital bag to the hospital. I picture frantic people while I calmly go across the street to the hospital and check myself in with a smug smile because I well - I obviously Rule!

What actually happened:

I arrive to the doctor and check in and have a $71 balance. I post date a check for Friday and can tell that the receptionist is a little irritated. I go to pee and hardly anything comes out. I get a little on my hand because of the China swelling. I sit in the waiting room and make friends with the lady next to me (I do this a lot... ). Come to find out her app't is at 10 and mine is at 10:15. It is after 11 before I am called back. I gained 3 lbs and my blood pressure is fine. The nurse is concerned by my appearance and checks me for a fever - a sign that you might look as crappy as you feel! I undress from the waist down and wait, and wait, and finally the doctor comes in. She has a hard time finding the heart beat because Evelynn kicks the doppler and keeps avoiding it (she is SO going to be a little stinker!!!). The doctor looks exhausted and keeps trailing off in the middle of sentences. She tells me that her father is in bad health and that she will have a doctor filling in for her deliveries for a few days. Ok - yeah, whatever... please stick your arm in me. She does and says that there isn't a change. But, she didn't even seem to check much - it was a very half-assed internal. She tells me that she really wants to go to bed. Ok - yeah... can we try that again? I have to pry to make sure that everything is exactly the same. So I'm 50% effaced? Yes. And a fingertip dialated? Yes, I couldn't even feel her head. And her head's at a -1? Yes. I ask her if she thinks I'll go early and she says we should know more next week. Then she walks out! She left my chart and I totally tried to go through it to see if she wrote that I was a crappy patient or anything but I didn't find anything juicy. She didn't even leave me a wipey and a panty liner. Just left.

I walked out feeling deflated. I don't rule. I'm not in labor and still working 40 hours a day and putting up with my husband. I haven't progressed in seven whole days! I call two girlfriends - one that is pregnant and the other that has a 12 month old and tell them what a failure I am. I then went to Sonic and got a burger (which was yucky) a large tater tot (my serious craving) and a watermelon diet coke. This made me feel a little better.

I better kick ass at the next app't. I have decided I may even try to seduce my husband. I'm quite irresistable right now! However... if I can't sleep comfortably how in the hell am I going to do anything else remotely comfortably? Comments gladly accepted - with diagrams please. Please also use stick figures because then I'll appear skinny.

A picture of Evelynn's Delivery

I still may need the epidural.

And the award goes to....

Me! On today for the largest and most dramatic hormonal breakdown. I actually left myself completely exhausted after this one.
I haven't had too many breakdowns in the second and third trimester. In the first trimester I once cried for 20 minutes because Brian sneezed on my arm. In the second trimester I would get a little teary-eyed now and then but the times that Brian had to hand me a paper towel and the phone to call my sister were quite minimal.
Today we needed to go and pick up the stroller, car seat and extra car seat base (plus a couple other things I threw on the credit card and didn't tell Brian about) from WalMart's site to store. I don't know about stores outside of my area but this concept at our Prescott Supercenter is so foreign to the employees it's ridiculous. I actually got lectured today for not bringing in my email or order number. Last time I brought both and was told that I didn't need them. All of this lecturing occured before she even tried to pull things up by my last name! Of course she found it and carted everything out to our car. She told me all about her adult kids and what they were up to and asked when I was due. Blah, blah, blah. Brian ditched me to pull the car around. Lucky bastard.
So then we went to Kmart to get curtain rods (for the super cute sheer embroidered curtains that I also purchased) - oh and hot dog buns for his football watching today. I had asked him all morning long what time he intended to go to his buddy's house. Turns out I was dropping him off then and there. This didn't bother me but the fact that he had known and just chosen not to answer my questions is one thing that I just don't get! He does this to me all of the time and then accuses me of being nosey, too talkative, etc. Just answer my question! So I yelled and nagged all the way across the parking lot (we had parked at the garden center and left at the other exit). A couple of times I imagined beating him with the curtain rod (perhaps this is when the horomones really started to kick in...). Across the entire parking lot nag, nag, nag... bitch, bitch, bitch all while waving a curtain rod and waddling. By the time I climbed into my father in law's jeep (borrowed for picking up the goods) I looked at him and said oh so sweetly "you should poor your drink into my McDonald's cup so you can drink it with ice and a straw - it will taste better". He was like "weren't you just yelling at me?" I ignored him. Then I tried to put on my seatbelt. I would pull to link it and it wouldn't budge. Pull, nothing. Let it go - pull, nothing. I started to feel myself get really hot. At this point I looked up to see Brian checking out this girl (who I admit was actually quite hot) and I lost it. I cried so hard that I literally couldn't breathe. I stopped breathing. When I could breathe I gasped the words "and I can't get my seatbelt to work". Brian slowed down so that I could open the door because I had apparently closed the door on the seatbelt. This somehow added fuel. It broke my heart and I cried harder and harder. Then I laughed - hysterically, and broke back into tears.
This lasted for approximately five miles until my very wise husband distracted me by pointing out nice houses and ugly houses. This is one of our favorite past times. I like that tree, oh look at those shutters, I would be pissed if those were my neighbors... and so on.
And - other than my sheer exhaustion and lack of mascara and dignity - it was like nothing happened.
I'd like to thank my horomones, without them this momentous occasion would not have been possible. I would also like to thank my husband for being an ass and amazing all in one and last of all I would like to thank God... for blessing me with this experience. It's been a wild one, but I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

Hump day takes on a different meaning -

As in that's what got me here and that's about it. My appointments are now every Wednesday morning until I deliver.

I went in this morning and I'm up 22 lbs total. The NP said that there is at least 5 lbs of water in my feet and calves. A part of me wanted that in writing. Blood pressure is good and baby's heart rate is good. She did the Strep B test and then an internal. As of last week Evelynn had moved head down, centered and low.

This week I'm 50% effaced, a finger nail dialated and her head is at a -1. I was shocked because I haven't noticed and braxton hicks contractions (maybe a couple but that's it). The doctor said that I have obviously been having plenty and must have a high pain tolerance. Ha! God I wish this were true - however I'm pretty damn sure it's not. I always remember Daffy Duck on Looney Tunes saying "I'm not good with pain - it hurts me!"

I feel like the gears are grinding and beginning to turn, what a strange feeling that anytime between now and mid-November will be my daughter's birthday...

I will sign off now and get back to the jar of peanut butter on my desk with the plastic spoon. Snack of champions!

It's tearing up my heart -

No matter what I eat for dinner it equals killer heartburn. I say this knowing that there is not heartburn that is not killer. I have always had a stomach of steel and this is honestly the first time that I've even experienced heartburn and I have so much sympathy for those that suffer all of the time! I had no clue that life could be that miserable. It has brought on puking, insomnia, sweats, diarrhea, excessive burping and farting and much more. If my husband was afraid to sleep with me before because of the baby he has a whole list of reasons these days!

I guess this is the time of the pregnancy that miserable symptoms outweigh the fear of delivery. Add to that the excitement of meeting your baby I can see why women say that they are ready for it to be over. I'm not quite there yet as I still have a list of reasons why I'd rather suffer from heartburn than push something ginormous out of me that I've never met and then take it home and care for it - not knowing how to do so. Give me a few weeks and I'm sure I will be more than ready to take on whatever I need to in order to walk regular again, eat food without washing it down with Tums, gingerale and Maalox and go more than an hour without needing to pee.

Lately I have had the strangest feelings come over me. I realize that pregnancy makes us super emotional - but up until now they have all been emotions I can name. Happy, cranky, psycho, constipated, etc. This one doesn't have a name.

I am in baby limbo. I've started to do her laundry (which resulted in a complete melt down when I realized that I don't know how to fold baby clothes) and I've started to pack a hospital bag, but there's only so much I can do. Perhaps this is the calm before the storm. And by storm I mean the calm before crazy nesting sets in. I am tired, but restless and have a constant choke in my throat but I'm not sure if I'm going to laugh or cry. It's that feeling when someone comes up behind you and grabs your ribs - you don't know if you want to laugh, smack them, run, jump or cry but you are ready to react and usually don't.

Some women have Restless Leg Syndrome during the latter part of their pregnancy. I have restless arm syndrome. I have to shake them out a few times before I can fall asleep. They want to be doing something and that something doesn't exist yet. A lot of times it's as if they are causing me to fall. I love it when Evelynn shows up in my dreams - but usually my dreams last all night and are completely jumbled and confusing. I used to have dreams that I had a baby and would care for it all night. The next day my arms would be so heavy because they longed for the weight of the baby - perhaps my whole body is now on alert for her arrival.

Speaking of arrival I think that we should start guessing Evie's b-day. I'm due on November 10th but anything after October 14th is full term. Leave a comment or email me your guess.

My guess is October 25th.

Being 34 weeks pregnant is having vivid dreams of holding and feeding my baby girl, waking up to pee for the 6th time and then praying that she shows back up as I fall back asleep.