I don't rule.

I have officially moved from damn uncomfortable to pretty miserable. I didn't sleep at all last night due to my swollen, tender legs and needing to pee. I woke up with bags under my eyes like I've never seen before (and I'm sure will see again once the baby is here) and went to the restroom. I stood up and nearly dropped to my knees. It felt like someone had kicked me in the crotch. I went from leaning back when I walked to leaning over like an old woman. I showed up at work 10 minutes late with wet hair, no make up and shuffling very slow.

My appointment was at 10:15. As I drove this is what I imagined....

I arrive to the doctor, pee in a cup (one of those satisfactory pees, not a pregnant "are you kidding me... I had to go so bad and that's it?!" pees). They call me back right away and my weight and blood pressure are fine. Actually for the first time ever I didn't even think about the scale until I was nearly to the doctor's office. The doctor does the exam and her eyes get very big - I'm ____ cm dialted! (I leave that blank because I don't know exactly what would warrant this wonderful reaction from my doctor). She then tells me that I'm nearly ready and need to get to the hospital stat! She can't believe how far I've progressed. I must be really great at labor and child birth! I then imagined the phone calls to Brian and others and try to think of the best way to get my hospital bag to the hospital. I picture frantic people while I calmly go across the street to the hospital and check myself in with a smug smile because I well - I obviously Rule!

What actually happened:

I arrive to the doctor and check in and have a $71 balance. I post date a check for Friday and can tell that the receptionist is a little irritated. I go to pee and hardly anything comes out. I get a little on my hand because of the China swelling. I sit in the waiting room and make friends with the lady next to me (I do this a lot... ). Come to find out her app't is at 10 and mine is at 10:15. It is after 11 before I am called back. I gained 3 lbs and my blood pressure is fine. The nurse is concerned by my appearance and checks me for a fever - a sign that you might look as crappy as you feel! I undress from the waist down and wait, and wait, and finally the doctor comes in. She has a hard time finding the heart beat because Evelynn kicks the doppler and keeps avoiding it (she is SO going to be a little stinker!!!). The doctor looks exhausted and keeps trailing off in the middle of sentences. She tells me that her father is in bad health and that she will have a doctor filling in for her deliveries for a few days. Ok - yeah, whatever... please stick your arm in me. She does and says that there isn't a change. But, she didn't even seem to check much - it was a very half-assed internal. She tells me that she really wants to go to bed. Ok - yeah... can we try that again? I have to pry to make sure that everything is exactly the same. So I'm 50% effaced? Yes. And a fingertip dialated? Yes, I couldn't even feel her head. And her head's at a -1? Yes. I ask her if she thinks I'll go early and she says we should know more next week. Then she walks out! She left my chart and I totally tried to go through it to see if she wrote that I was a crappy patient or anything but I didn't find anything juicy. She didn't even leave me a wipey and a panty liner. Just left.

I walked out feeling deflated. I don't rule. I'm not in labor and still working 40 hours a day and putting up with my husband. I haven't progressed in seven whole days! I call two girlfriends - one that is pregnant and the other that has a 12 month old and tell them what a failure I am. I then went to Sonic and got a burger (which was yucky) a large tater tot (my serious craving) and a watermelon diet coke. This made me feel a little better.

I better kick ass at the next app't. I have decided I may even try to seduce my husband. I'm quite irresistable right now! However... if I can't sleep comfortably how in the hell am I going to do anything else remotely comfortably? Comments gladly accepted - with diagrams please. Please also use stick figures because then I'll appear skinny.