I'm an Emotional Boob

Who knew that a woman's breasts are directly tied to her heart strings? It seems that so many of my emotions lately are linked to my chest - but not my heart... my boobs!

Emotion one: Helplessness and Sadness
"Breastfeeding is the most natural thing on earth" True, but don't let this statement fool you like it did me. This does not mean that breastfeeding is instinct for either you or your baby. I honestly and truly thought that Evelynn would be born, placed on my chest and then would start suckling as soon as I put her to my breast. I will hold for a moment while the women reading who have breastfed compose themselves and are able to stop laughing. This is a complete learned behavior for both you and your baby. I remember awkwardly trying to put my daughter to my breast and somehow holding her so that she was nearly upside down trying to drink. Looking back I'm not quite sure how I did this - perhaps it was the morphine drip. I remember trying to get her to latch and sitting there bawling because she wouldn't. I had a small vile of sugar water that I would put on my nipple and her lip and then hold my breath and pray that it would work. I literally rang for a nurse nearly each time I fed her to help me get her to latch. I was felt up more times in those five days than all of high school!

Emotion two: Anger
I am very disappointed and angry with my left breast. He has let me down when I needed him most. Not only is he inverted but refuses to produce much. I fear that this generation of lefty's may be going downhill as demonstrated in a recent hippie kate post. I have become very exhasperated with him a few times and have given up and turned to trusty righty. She is female as she steps in and understands the importance of cooperating... even a little bit.

Emotion three: Exhaustion
Two words: Cluster Feeding. This is when your daughter enters a growth spurt and suddenly becomes an insatiable vulture and eats all.the.time. Every time you finally hand her off to a family member and think that you may be able to ... oh I don't know... pee, she decides that she hasn't been fed all day and begins rooting on her daddy with the urgency of a fasting fat girl. No pun intended when I say that I have never felt so drained. And all I did was sit for days at a time. The worst part is that while sitting you are able to look around and take note of everything that needs to be done around the house. Note to self: plant is dying and needs to be watered, dog needs to be fed, mommy is in desperate need of a shower.

Emotion four: Pain
A woman's milk "letting down" sounds simple enough right? Letting down is not the right word. It's more of gushing forth with the momentum of a ford powerstroke. One moment you're fine, the next your breasts are heavier than Dolly Parton's. Going too long without pumping or feeding seriously makes you wish that your breasts would literally pop and put you out of your misery. As we speak I am suffering from my first case of clogged ducts. I can barely move my arm I am in so much pain.

Emotion five: Humility
A girl hasn't lived until she has tried to pull out her boob under a blanket while in public. I get so scared of flashing someone that I usually break out into a sweat and work myself up into a panic at the mere thought of it. I was extremely lonely to be standing in the bathroom of the JCPenney bathroom while breastfeeding and listening to a lady have a bowel movement. And taping a note onto the conference room door of your work three times a day that says "Do not disturb, pumping in progress" Classy.

Emotion six: Hurt
As in butt hurt. Hurt feelings. Feelings of inadequacy that are not justified. As in today when righty is clogged, my feelings are literally hurt by this. I feel like I have been foresaken. I am literally sad and hurt.

Emotion seven: Hunger
I am hungrier than I ever was while pregnant.

Emotion eight: Pride
I told myself and others while I was pregnant that I would try to breastfeed as long as I could. I didn't want to make any promises. What if I hated it? What if I wasn't capable? Turns out I am. And this makes me so proud. I want to put an inspirational sticker on my shirt like the ones teachers gave out in elementary school ("nice job" "cool kid" "dino-mite") and strut in my lactation greatness. I am so, so unbelievably proud of every one of her dirty diapers. This means that I am single-handedly providing all of the nutrients that she needs. My daughter poops up to 7-8 times a day... put that on your bumper sticker.

Emotion nine: Complete, utter unconditional bliss and unwavering love
Yes, I wasn't sure that I would like breastfeeding. Would it be weird? What if it felt a little too good (like when you climb the ropes in gym class)? Am I really ok with carrying my milk in a tote on my shoulder? Turns out the answer is a resounding yes! I have never felt more complete and wonderful than looking into my daughters eyes as she noisily swallows. The first time that she stroked my side with her little hand while feeding I was so happy. I love gently stroking the side of her face and the look that she gets when she finally unlatches and throws her head back and smiles. Nothing else matters during that time. Not the clock, the fact that you are running late, your messy house, your clogged ducts... nothing. Life is as God intended it and I realize what amazing creatures we really are.