Run Forrest Run!

I ran last night!

I was convinced that I would be able to go the equivilant of maybe 3 sidewalk squares TOPS... but I went pretty far down the street without having to stop!

This was a very incognito process mind you. I walked my dog (i.e. my dog pulled me down the street with his huskey-dog-sled instincts) and I went into the part of our housing development that is still being built. This ensured no people or cars would see my attempt. I then let Buddy off of his chain (because he would pull me straight on to my face if he thought it was time to run together) and I ran down the street! I didn't die, didn't keel over or get a side-ache right away... and I was still able to walk home! I went to our little grassy knoll in the housing division and Buddy and I ran back and forth a few times in my attempt at "sprints". This is really just chunky me running back and forth while trying to make sure that my dog doesn't run into the street.

I'm so excited and impressed with myself for being to go as far as I did. AND... for a few seconds... I actually enjoyed myself. Here in AZ it is already Spring weather and the days are longer so it's very refreshing to enjoy some of the sunshine and fresh air. I've actually been excited to do it again tonight before my Pilates class. Go me!

An exeption to the SB clause...

I received a phone call from my dear friend Heather and she asked me
1) if she was the gym buddy that I referred to in a previous post and
2) if I considered her one of the SB's.

First of all, I don't think that we've ever been to a gym. In our day that consisted of seeing how many long island iced teas we could lift in one evening or how many boys she could juggle! Second... No, I do not consider her an SB and here's why:

I've known Heather (light as a heather as I jokingly call her) for about 6 years now. I have seen first hand that the fact that she is a size 0 does not make her life any easier. We both leave the mall with slumped over shoulders because nothing fit us or looks good on us. We both look in the mirror and wince at this or that. And, while I probably have people that pity the chunky girl, she has people that straight out ridicule her! Skinny girls can be self-conscience too. Life isn't all bikinis and McDonald's for them either. While other girls sit around and complain about this or that and she joins in she is quickly put in her place like there must be nothing on earth that could ever affect her. While we were shopping for my wedding dress the sales associate told her that she just needs to eat more while she was holding up the size 2 bridesmaid dress that didn't fit her. I quickly jumped in with "she eats plenty, thank you very much". That is just as bad as looking at me in my size 16 and saying, perhaps you should lay off the doughnuts!

It's so easy to say "oh, poor little rich girl... or poor celebrity dealing with the paparazzi..." I'm guilty of it. But I would like to think that I am fairly open to the fact that there is more to things. Hell, I don't even know where I stand on many issues because I sit back and think about both sides... perhaps to a fault!

I wager that there is probably not one person (male or female) that feels completely comfortable in their own skin. People that have paid to fix things that they didn't like are just met with more options for future operations. I went to a water park this summer and was so surprised to see how many men and boys had their t-shirts on! I thought that men didn't care! My husband lost 60 pounds after graduating from culinary school. It's nice that I don't have one of those husbands with the hollow leg that can eat whatever they want but worry that you will let yourself go! He struggles with me while we both admit that we enjoy eating very, very much. We've both spent our share of time in front of the mirror, sucking in.

Does this mean that we can't joke with anyone in fear that they may have a complex? No, not necessarily... but keep in mind that (like I've said before) we all have our vices. We all have a story, a complaint, a miracle and a lesson to offer. Be open to others. On the flipside (see what I mean about not knowing where I stand) don't be too open. There is a such thing as letting too many people in or giving too much of yourself (yep... guilty). Understanding is one thing, putting yourself out there as a welcome mat is another!

Oh, and Heather... my avid reader, best friend and support you are officially exempt from the SB clause! Let's go to the mall and grab some doughnuts!

I realize that this post is all over the place. Perhaps it is a sign that I should post more often to keep an onslaught of rambling at bay!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm just a smiling fool today! Brian and I aren't doing anything special (we hung out on Sunday and had a pre-celebration) but we have Oakley tonight. I am going to dinner with the in-laws and he has band practice. . . however I am wondering if anyone will show once their wives find out!

I love looking around and seeing hearts and flowers and hearing people's stories. I know that I should be open to different ways of thinking - but all of those "I don't celebrate Valentine's Day because it's a holiday invented by the greeting card company" people irritate the living crap out of me. Just fold a piece of damn paper and make a heart and give it to someone. It will feel good, I promise! Hug those special people in your life extra tight and say things mushier than you normally would.

Even the single people should be able to take a deep breath and absorb the romance. It's everywhere! It's possible and out there!

Oh, and me and the scale are not on speaking terms. I weighed myself even though I said that I wouldn't and it says that I'm back to where I started. It doesn't get a valentine. I am thinking about maybe doing a monthly weigh-in. This one up and two down crap is enough to just drive a girl crazy! (crazier than I already am that is...)

Will you be mine?

I love me some Valentine's Day!

First, I love hearts. Anything with hearts screams my name. I have a heart tattoo and my kitchen is quickly becoming heart-themed. There is a gallery downtown with tons of hearts and the lady knows my husband by name because he goes there for holidays... and when he's in trouble.

Second, I'm a total and complete sap. I love romance. I love love! I love romantic movies, commercials, (the novels are a little too over the top even for me) but the classic romance novels. ::loud sigh::

Third, I love those damn sugar cookies with the pink frosting. I've eaten 5 in two days. I don't plan to stop. I know that I should... but I may just have to ask them to be my Valentine. I will make a mail box from a shoe box and put tin foil and doilies on it and then I will pass one to the package of deliciousness and hope like Charlie Brown that I get a response. If not, I will have the inch of frosting remnants on my ass to show for it. And then, back on the wagon!

So, on Tuesday I will give my fat rolls a hug and wish them a happy Valentine's Day and put off the weigh in for this week. I've promised my husband a fun evening once we put Oakley to bed... so maybe I'll work off a little bit of those calories! ; )

Wait... water weight?

I gained a pound... but I am hoping that this is because of my period. I will say this:

When I lay down I can feel my hip bones protruding again

You know how your hips go out and then your legs go in and then your fat thighs go out again? That curve is becoming straighter.

So, I will take it for what it is and try not to over-analyze.

::mumbling stupid scale and period, geez!::

Pity Smiles

Another blog that I read got me thinking. She said that she was concerned about what other people would think about the chunky girl at the gym. I've had that concern a jillion times. I remember being in PE and trying to give a sweet grin to the chunky girl with the bright red face and the bra that wasn't doing it's job. I was skinny then, but this in no way made me happy. I was a size 5-7 and was convinced that I had an unusually large ass. My grandmother taught me to suck in my stomach and my mom once told me that I was built like a gymnast. A few years later I signed up for a kickboxing class (one of my many all or nothing weight loss solutions) and I remember seeing myself in the mirror and realizing I was now that chunky girl with the red face. And my bra was absolutely not doing what I had paid it to do. I couldn't keep up, I had no coordination and some skinny bitch gave me a sweet smile. I thought that she pitied me.

As women we are catty. We look other girls up and down. What they are wearing, saying, dating and so on. It's in our DNA to be jealous and wary of eachother. Confidence is the equivalent of acne and self-criticism is like a new pair of Guess Jeans in the 80's. As many times as I've caught myself staring at another woman it's more that I'm measuring myself up to them. And I think we all do this more than just talk shit. Oh... I'd love to have those boobs, or that hair or that skin. I'd love to be able to pull off that outfit or those acrylic nails (I think I pick my nose too much for those). The one thing that unites us? The one thing that could bring us all together and hold hands and sing "I'd like to teach the world to live in perfect harmony" while swinging our arms? Our struggle to be beautiful and thin. It may be a trivial fight, one that has been created by the media and men that have too high of expectations... but at the end of the day, we all just want to feel good naked and be able to run up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

I honestly see women now and say "good for you" In my pilates class there is a woman there with a daughter my age and she is larger than me. Lord if she doesn't whoop my ass in some of those moves. And I tell her afterwards! That was awesome that you were able to hold that pose! AND some of the poses I can do and she can't do... and some of the SB's can't do (skinny bitches). And I've realized something. Because they're skinny does not mean that they are more healthy than me. I used to have a gym buddy that was a size two. She smoked like a chimney and could barely keep up with me. She was constantly sick. We all have our crutches, some just wear theirs on their belly rolls!

SO, to all you chunky girls and skinny bitches alike... when you step into the gym or go jalking down the street and I give you that 'sweet smile'. That isn't pity, that's GOOD FOR YOU! And... sometimes, what in the hell are you wearing?

3 is a magic number

I almost didn't weigh myself this morning.

When I lay down I can feel my hip bones... we have become reacquainted and it is nice. I had forgotten about them. I figured that since I am feeling physical results, why ruin it by stepping on the scale and seeing weight gain... or the same 'ol 175? It was 172~ ! This makes me happy. I'll totally take it.

I have my 5th Pilates class last night. I am getting better. I am still the chunkiest girl in the class but that's ok. I'm improving and probably can't get any worse if I just keep going to class. ::crosses fingers::

The three-mile hike wasn't too bad. I thought I may have to beg everyone to stop and take a rest on a rock on the side of the trail. I walked the whole way. AND the next day I could still get on and off of the toilet. That's the real test of a workout... do you cringe as you get on and off the toilet? Do your legs shake as you take on this task? Are you suddenly trying to convince yourself that you don't really need to go that bad?

Happy Friday

First off, yay for two very stubborn girls coming together and realizing that their friendship is too important to turn their backs on. I am so happy that Tracey is back in my life. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Tonight I plan to relish me some retail therapy. A male coworker asked me what that was. I explained that it is where you buy things that you don't really need... with money that you don't really have... all while the endorphines rush through you. The word cute will be used quite a bit, as well as "but it's on sale!" I may even decide to purchase a pair of jeans but can't promise anything.

We may go hiking with the in-laws and Buddy on Sunday. I think that this sounds like a whole lotta fun... even though my in-laws (who are 70 & 60 something) can totally run circles around me. sigh. Baby steps.

What the Hell?

Ok, I get it. Weigh yourself only once a week and at the same time of day because it can fluctuate... but I wonder if my fluctuation is worse than others. Or perhaps it just feels that way.

I woke up and peed (tried to do more to affect the scale...) and then stepped on. 174... sigh... one pound. Oh well, I'll take it. Then I took a shower and got out and thought, hhhhmmm... maybe the scale was wrong. So, I stepped back on and it was 177! How on earth did I gain 3 pounds? Does the water in my hair weight that much? I am so irritated!

I realize that I can't expect instant results. Especially since this isn't a diet... but rather trying to live more healthy. I suppose I need to keep telling myself that.

I have this quote posted to my computer screen at work:
"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it." --William Durant

Baby Power Steps

175. Size 18... or 16 at Lane Bryant. Haven't even attempted to try on pants at most stores...I hardly ever try on clothes period. I'm not completely miserable. I don't own a full-length mirror and I'm pretty sure I think I look much skinnier than I actually do. When I get pictures back I'm convinced that I don't usually look that large. I've tried to stop asking the husband "is my butt as big as hers?" Sometimes he's a little too honest. When I get upset, stressed, happy... or any other adjective I eat. When I got some bad news last week the mere thought of a Whopper made me start to feel a little less anxious. I had to remind myself that I was nearly out of gas to keep from going and getting one... and then eating it in my car in the parking lot.

Why the first paragraph confession? I've decided to own it. Yep... lay it all out there. It's not the end of the world, so I wear my weakness on my love handles.

My goal? To lose 40 pounds.

Every time in the past that I have decided to do this I sit down with my diet cookbook and make a shopping list. I go and buy new workout clothes and a walkman. I get a few workout DVD's on netflix or off of Amazon. I promise myself that I will work out every other day come rain or shine. I don the new sneakers and eat well the first day. By day three I'm over it. I have people cheering me on and I decide that I don't want to do this because it's no longer my idea. I have an "all or nothing" attitude. This time? I have started being a little more conscience about what I am eating. I have signed up for a pilates class twice a week. As I get more comfortable with this I will add more. I have added one night at the gym so far. But I didn't kill myself. I have told myself that I really didn't need that mini kit kat right before bed and layed there with a smile on my face. Proud that I didn't eat it.

I want to get pregnant some time this year. However, I hear so many women say that they wish they could get back to the size they were before they were pregnant. So this makes me think, what if I had to say that I wanted to get back to pre-baby weight + some? I also want to have a healthy, active pregnancy. I'm lucky enough to be 26 and married and planning for a baby. After my crazy, young, party days and pregnancy scares I really want to do this right.

So, I need to take baby steps to change (doesn't that sound very What About Bob?) in order to get to where I can power walk and run... so that I can have a baby... and then lose the baby weight.

Martin Luther King Day

Me: Do you know why you didn’t have school today?
Oakley: Because of that one guy
Me: What guy?
Oakley: That one guy that like…says stuff
Me: Uh huh… is he sticking up for people?
Oakley: Yes
Me: Who?
Oakley: Um, God?

I knew that charter school was a bad idea!

The Month After Christmas

After doing multiple lunges to fit into my jeans this morning I thought that this email was appropriate to share:

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore .
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Tranny vs Fatty

I've been listening to the Adam Carrola show in the mornings lately and I just laugh my ass off. Work has been fairly quiet as friends have decided not to talk to me anymore for no apparent reason - so I fill the silence with inappropriate talk radio shows... and this makes me happy.

This morning was a little disturbing. They asked men who they would rather sleep with - a post-surgery transexual or a fat girl. They said about 82% chose the tranny. Why would a man open himself up to questions about his own sexuality just to keep from admitting that he may have slept with a woman with a weight problem? Now, I can't say that I am in the category of fatties that they are talking about. They said that they would need to be in the low 200's. "A dude or a deuce" they said.

I read a magazine article where a woman was very candid about her weight problems. She had a lot of people that would come up to her and offer what they thought was constructive criticism or advice. Diet tips, hair tips, etc. She pointed out that these were people that had affairs in the past, gossipped uncontrollably, drank excessivly, etc. But, since her weakness was out there for everyone to see it was like she was the one that was viewed as weak or pitiful. I have to agree. I would rather be chunky than a devious bitch, liar or thief. I think that many times we gang up on overweight people because we are scared of our own weaknesses. Everyone has a vice.

Any thoughts?

Post-Holiday Hello

I had a completely laid-back Christmas and it was fantastic after all of the wedding chaos. It was me, Brian and his grandmother. We had Christmas with Oakley on Saturday and then he went to his mom's for the holiday.

Brian did so well on my gifts. I have given him very specific lists for the past two years of what I want. I have never received anything from them. I can't complain though, he really does a good job and this way I'm always surprised.

Today is my two-month wedding anniversary and I just couldn't be happier. I have been told that perhaps I'm still in my honeymoon phase, but plan to enjoy it no matter what the hell it is!

It has snowed quite a bit here, but it's my favorite kind of snow - - the kind that melts before I have to drive in it. It is funny, however to watch all of our Southern California transplants try to drive in just light flurries. You'd think that they were in two feet of snow with zero visibility. I can remember flying down the freeways in SLC in a foot of snow.

I doubt that I'm alone but I am having some serious post-Christmas spenders remorse. I did go a little nuts as much as I said that I wouldn't. The excitement of being an Aunt and sending out packages full of presents just overwhelmed me. However, when Christmas finally came and it seemed just like any other day - but with a ton more phone calls to make! I am going to write myself a note and put it with my decorations next year. I don't want to be kicking myself again three days later and grimacing when yet another Christmas song comes on the radio (and I LOVE Christmas songs!) My dad and sister both had all of their decorations down and the tree on the curb by noon Christmas, at least I'm not that bad.

Things will probably be different next year when we have Oakley and the whole family isn't gone. I want to make sure that it's much more about warm fuzzies than mounds of gifts. One really doesn't equal the other.

Wedded Bliss

Yes, I do realize that it has been a little while... but as one very great procrastinator once said, better late than never!

The wedding was lovely and I was able to keep my sanity throughout the planning and the actual day. I was so happy to see so many loved ones travel from so far to be a part of it! It was really a wonderful feeling.

I was worried about post-bridal depression and I do have to admit to bouts of it. On our way to San Diego I saw a couple of bridal shops and thought, oh...I should pop in and look around... and then realized that I had no reason to. The day that I had dreamt about forever and ever is over... and never to be again. It's a hard realization to swallow. When I came home and saw my pretty veil hanging there I got really sad, I have no reason to ever dress up that much again! I told Brian, now I'm not a bride... I'm just a stupid wife. Bless his heart that he doesn't take offense to such things. Perhaps he has finally come to terms with my lack of sanity, or kooth (sp?).

So, in the face of depression I quickly threw away my stack of Brides magazine and reorganized our guest room which had become wedding central. I then threw the manic bride syndrome into holiday planning. Before Thanksgiving I had all of my shopping done, decorations up and nearly all presents wrapped and under the tree. The only reasons that all of them aren't is because I am waiting for the rest of the online orders to come in. I also ordered, addressed and stamped all of my Christmas cards and have had to convince myself to at least wait until December to send them out.

'Tis the season!

Many Moons

I realize it's been like seven Sundays since I've posted - so I will do some catching up for you.

Brian and I finally decided on a location for the honeymoon and we will be driving to Napa. I am very excited. We found a gorgeous resort there and booked the "Napa Experience" package. I am hoping that this means mucho vino and a tipsy Nisha. I don't drink hardly at all anymore, but what better excuse to get tore up than a weekend in Napa? I've seen Sideways, I know. (actually that was quite a disturbing movie...)

The clubhouse for our housing division is finally finished, and thank GOD we decided not to have the wedding there. Don't get me wrong, it's very nice ... but the wedding would have never fit there, on top of the fact that we would have had to rent everything for it. However, I am enjoying the pool and gym. Yes, I have donned a swimsuit this year. I figure, I don't want to be the mom that is at the side of the pool fully dressed because she's afraid that someone will see her chunky thighs... I want to enjoy myself. And, ahem...I'm a hottie compared to some of the women! lol.

The wedding planning is coming along very smoothly. I rented the first season of Bridezillas and realized how lucky I am - and how lucky everyone around me is! haha. Most of the stuff is already taken care of and I really don't want to sweat the small details. When else will there be a huge party with nearly everyone I know for me and my husband? I'd better enjoy the hell out of it, come what may.

I'm now afraid that I may become depressed once the wedding and honeymoon is over. Brian keeps saying that he can't wait for it to be over so that we can get back to regular life, but I LOVE being in planning mode! I won't know what to do with myself afterwards. What will I talk about? What will I do with my pile of subscription to Bride's magazine? Brian really needs to prepare himself to come home to me hanging out in my wedding dress and veil. It's bound to happen. But seriously, I LOVE the Christmas season. I'm so happy while I'm shopping & decorating and wrapping. But, once all of the presents are open, I want to cry. It's OVER! Lord knows what will happen once the last thank you card is mailed and it's all done. I will probably need a copy of the Notebook, elastic waisted pants, a bag of Dove dark chocolate, a box of Kleenex and leftover Napa wine...STAT!

Oakley and I went to see 'Over the Hedge' a couple of weekends ago. Cute movie..blah, blah, blah. The point of my story is that I saw a lady in the concession stand line with hair that I wanted so BAD! It was huge! She had the greatest spiral perm and bangs, I was literally jealous. I wish I could pull off that look still, I wish I were clueless and didn't care that I was stuck in the early nineties. I want to rat my hair so bad, this boufant (sp?) isn't cutting it anymore. Give me some banana clips and barrettes! I want my hair to be permed with wings, I want to use White Rain and scrunch!

My little brother signed up for the Navy. At first, I was so upset...I was ready to write letters to personally stop the war. I was in immediate psycho sister mode. There HAS to be a way to undo the oath he just took, he doesn't know what he's saying! He was just kidding! But, then I stepped back and stepped out of my hippie hemp sandals and looked at things from his point of view. He wants to see the world, get out of Elko, go to school...and I want that for him too. The Navy is probably one of the safest branches that he could have signed up for. But, if he gets deployed...I may need to chaperone...just to make sure he's ok and well cared for.

There are officially 100 days til the wedding (yes, I've quickly slipped back into Bride mode). It is coming up so quick!

Mr Postman

So, my invitations are in the mail. It was the most surreal feeling mailing them out, not good or bad...just strange. I stared at the stack for a couple of days in disbelief. The wedding went from just an idea to something very real and tangible. I have most of my contracts signed and we have decided to hold it at the resort. I have a wedding website and my registry done. I've picked up my dress and two of my bridesmaids already have theirs.

Now that things have come together in the wedding planning category we have yet to figure out where we want to Honeymoon. You'd think it'd be easy to figure something like that out, however we have quite a few hurdles. Neither of us are very tropical people, I burn just thinking about the sun and I hate water and being wet. Not all of the time, but most...even in the bathtub I usually have all of my limbs sticking out. Brian is the same way. We are getting married in October and don't want to spend our honeymoon anywhere that resembles a tundra...this leaves out most of the country in late October. Also, Brian doesn't want to honeymoon in the Southwest and I don't want to spend the entire time getting to the actual Honeymoon. Does your head hurt yet? I feel your pain.

Wedding Planning & Spring Training

So, I have my dress, the photographer, DJ and minister is picked out. But where in the hell is my wedding going to take place? This is the question of the year and it is driving me nuts. Originally we had decided to keep everything cheap and do most everything ourselves. However, now I realize that this means renting chairs, tables and setting everything up on my wedding day and breaking it all down on my wedding night. In which case our attention has been directed towards the Prescott Resort. Even though it would break our entire budget they could set up our whole ceremony and reception for us. Centerpieces and everything. We would only have to find out "chicken or fish" from the guests and out of towners could stay at the resort. Even though the price tag is high, it makes a ton of sense. We'll see though, Brian and I have an appointment with them on Wednesday.

The action-filled season of T-ball has started again this year. This means sitting on metal bleachers and cheering for random children whose helmets nearly cover their eyes. This means that most kids will be sitting on their bases or chasing a butterfly in left field. Many will run in to eachother chasing the same balls and none of the throws will make it remotely far enough to land in to a mitt. This means keeping track of hats, mitts, shoes, shirts, etc between two houses as well as remembering that Monday is swimming lesson day. This means overpriced picture packages which include buttons (who wears these) and team pictures of squinty eyed little boys. But it's SPRING! And what better place to be than on a metal bleacher screaming "you can do it, keep your eye on the ball!"

Checking In

I thought that perhaps I would put a "normal" post on here as I know I have seemed like a crazy lady lately. If it comes through in your blog, then you know there's a problem!

I know that I have mentioned that work has been slow lately, but it has gotten to the point where I am actually trying to work slower to ensure that my afternoons aren't so full of dead time.

This weekend we had a bunch of people over to hear Brian's band. It went much better than I thought it would. A ton of people came up to him and said things like ' don't take this the wrong way, but this was WAY better than what we expected '. He was really proud. I got to show off my cute house and this makes me very happy. It also gave me a reason to clean for most of Saturday. Sunday we took Grandma out for lunch and were just lazy for the remainder of the day.

I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and I am so thankful that I read the book first. I ended up turning it off. They left out crucial parts of the book that are needed to fully understand the character. One of the main things that sets her apart is the way that she looks at the world. The character in the movie is not near as fascinating as the one in the book.

Per a close friends recommendation (Hi Quel) I also watched Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus. I really loved it. It has a lot of truth too, I know that when I was in Georgia I was more aware of God, you can feel it down there. Must be all the God-fearing kin folk or something. I also recommend this movie. We should all search for the gold tooth in God's crooked smile.

Wedding planning is going well. It will be a lot better when our location is built and we can visualize what kind of ceremony/reception we are looking at. We have tried to figure it out through the framing and plans...but neither Brian or I are very construction literate. He wants to send out the invitations like, yesterday...but I would like to make sure that we are inviting people to the actual location of the wedding first. Everyone knows essentially when it is.

Have I mentioned that I am petrified of marriage? Scared to death. I am so excited about my actual ceremony, I think about it at night and fall asleep with a little smile on my face. I have my dress saved on my favorites on my computer and I look at it throughout the day and let out a dreamy sigh... but the actual thought of marriage. . . makes me want to run and hide. I am already living as if I were married, and when I pray I get really calm and know that I am where I am supposed to be. But I don't know 40-year old Nisha, what if she's really mad at me for the decisions I'm making right now? I'm easily overwhelmed, I suppose the vastness of forever and two entire futures (plus children) is enough to make anyone get a lump in their throat. It's a leap of faith, my odds are fifty fifty. I will have to work every day to make it work, the notion is just insane sometimes! lol.

MUCH better

So once again life is looking good to me. I hate rough patches, but I suppose that they are par for the course in the game of life. I realized that I have really wonderful friends, fiance and even my doctor, nurse and counselor. I am truly a blessed girl.

Work has slowed down considerably lately, I have been done putting in orders and everything by three or three thirty. I used to barely get out of here on time. It should speed up soon though because the schools start purchasing again during the summer for the upcoming year.