It's gone so FAST!

5 Months Old!

Dear Evie,

I can't believe that you are five months old. I know that I say that every month - but this one seems even more monumental. You've gone from infancy to babyhood and I'm not sure momma is ready for that (however I wouldn't go back to the first 12 weeks if you paid me to).

This month has been a particularly busy one. We have had visitors nearly every weekend. You met your grandma, step grandpa, grandpa, uncle, aunt, cousin and some second and third cousins! You went on your first trip to Jerome and loved being in your baby bjorn as I hiked up and down those hills.

We are in the process of figuring out which formula is best for you because you are so very gassy. You lift both legs and let out man farts. It's funny during the day time but in the middle of the night I feel awful for you as you twist and contort to work out those bubbles. You have made your way back into the bed with me. Daddy keeps talking about when you will be in your own crib. All I can say is, when the time is right it will feel right. At this moment it feels like the wind has been knocked out of me when I think about it.

We had a girls' weekend with Aunt Kim and Cousin Elisabeth and we all got pedicures and played Pretty Pretty Princess. This was mine and Aunt Clara's favorite game when we were little. We even put some of the jewelry on you... and then laughed our asses off.

This month you belly laughed for the first time. And what struck you as so funny? Your cousin spinning around with your Oma's blue knee brace. Go figure! We were so lucky to get it on film though. You've done it a few times since and always to the strangest of things. Your laugh is infectious.

You are still not sleeping during the day. The many visitors that have come and gone have commented on how happy you are for a baby that doesn't sleep. This is true. For such a gassy, tired baby you are so damn content. Unless of course we are not carrying you and/or looking directly at you. Them's fighting words. Please pay attention to the baby...

You are also starting to teeth. You drool, and drool, and then drool some more. Days consist of new shirts because the shoulders are drenched in Evie Saliva. Your cheeks turn red sometimes and you move your jaw and jut out your tongue like a meth baby. Aunt Clara pointed out that I probably shouldn't call you that. Perhaps not - if it were remotely true. But... I feel pretty confident that I can safely call you a crack child and get away with it. I say it with love, really I do!

You had rice cereal for the first time this month. You still haven't decided if it's ok. ... or if you are completely offended by the vile substance we dare to put near your lips. Lord knows - you can give some looks!

This month has been a month of entertaining. And you have been the main act. I do have to say that you were wonderful. And I am looking forward to a million encores!

Love,

Mama

Tag... I'm it...

Here it goes!

The rules are as follows:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting on comment on their blog.

I was tagged by Cupcake
1. Weird. I have to shower with one eye open at all times and one closed. This is so that if soap gets in my open eye I will have one on reserve in case someone is standing there looking at me. This is my biggest shower fear. Someone just standing there, looking at me. I also have to peek out of the shower curtain every few seconds to make sure that the person isn't there.

2. Weird. Sometimes I will be driving down the street and have a desire to open the door and roll out of my car. This is usually on the freeway. When I smoked cigarrettes I also sometimes wanted to take the lit ciggy and smash it into my mouth and start chewing. I guess I just have very strange impulses.

3. Random. I knew that there would be times in my married life where I wouldn't necessarily like my husband. I never knew that it would happen so soon.

4. Random. The women in my office can tell when I need to pump because the neckline of my scrub top is crooked. Gotta love breastfeeding from just one side.

5. Weird. Some of my favorite people on earth are girls that I have never met except for online. (Hi Phx Nesties!) I miss them So dang much.

6. Random. I lettered in volleyball managing when I was a Sophomore. I only did it because my friends were on the team and I was good at braiding all of their hair. I think it's hilarious that I got a letter for it!

7. Random. I am super, super petrified of statues. Lifesize statues. They just aren't right.

I can't even think of seven blogs that I read that haven't been tagged... but I will try. Heater, Mommafar, Alea, Quel and Jason.

Look-alike Meter

MyHeritage: Look-alike Meter - Free genealogy websites - Family history

4 Months

Tomorrow morning my baby will be four whole months old. Time has flown by, but at the same time I can't remember life without you. I know that there was a time that I sat on the couch and did nothing. And I seem to remember sleeping in and running errands without packing a diaper bag first. But it seems silly. Like it was too easy and lacked meaning.

This month you have rolled over and laughed. Just once. To say that you aren't one to perform on demand is an understatement. You spend a lot of your time talking... loudly and being skeptical. You have a new trick where you kick while we change your diaper and your eyes get really huge. You look like a little fat man dancing. You have so many cute things that you do but when I pull out a camera or video camera you automatically become very serious. None of the pictures I have of you do you any justice at all.

I was able to put you all the way in your bassinet this month. Of course, you are still in arms reach but I did get you out of the bed with me. Baby steps. Thinking of putting you in your own room clear down the hall makes my breathing stop.

You still spend a lot of time in your stroller being wheeled around the house. This is when you aren't in our arms. Daddy and I can do so many things one-handed. It's quite extraordinary really.

You reach for things and have fallen head over heels in love with your own fists. They are in your mouth all of the time and covered with drool. Actually, we are all covered in your drool.

This month I started supplementing with formula. I thought that it would devastate me and make me feel like a failure - but it just felt right. I knew that I was doing what needed to be done. I am down to breastfeeding with only one breast and I don't have as much time to pump at my new job. To see you gulp down a bottle and not have to worry about replenishing what you were drinking was an enormous weight lifted.

You still so well sleeping at night. The day-time napping is a different story - but that's usually daddy's shift anyways! You and daddy spend every weekday afternoon and all day Monday and Tuesday together. You really have formed a special bond. You love to be rocked and listen to music with him. I would like for the music to be of a different genre - but you seem to enjoy the same things that he does. I may need to do an intervention and pull out some mommy music. Not that you don't get enough in the car... and during those nine months in my belly. I am still convinced that you are going to have a deep love for Stevie Nicks like mommy does. She was your first concert afterall.

Speaking of music when you're really, really worked up and screaming the only thing that will calm you down is if I sing to you. You have certain songs that you like more than others and you will sing along. You love the Do A Deer song and Bicycle Built for Two. We also do patty cake and mark it with an "E" for Evie and me. You LOVE that and look so cute! One night on the way home from having dinner at Oma's house you were so tired that you just cried and cried. Finally Aunt Clara and I started singing for you. We had to sing all the way home to keep you content. Poor big brother - he probably wanted to jump out the car window!

When I was interviewing for my new job I had a few employers ask me how I dealt with stress. For the first time in my life I was able to smile and say that nothing is that upsetting when you have a beautiful baby in your life. Your face flashes in my head and all is right with the world. I know that I gush about you but I honestly know that you, daddy and Oakley are the reason I was put on this Earth. And I am the luckiest girl on the planet.

Love,

Mama

A look back

Next week my teeny baby will be four whole months~! Here's a look back... I swear she smiles and pictures really don't do her justice. For some reason she either gets very leery or pissed when I pull out the camera!

And here's my mean mommy picture! It stinks because she looked so darn cute in the little sweater that Aunt Heather bought her and her newborn shoes finally fit!

3 Months

Dear Evie,

If this were a job then I would have officially passed the 90-day probabtionary period. In many ways it feels like I have. You have gone, nearly overnight, from a baby that needs to be held at all times and doesn't do much - to a regular infant. You love to play and bat at the rings hanging from your little flower arc. You even wear yourself out to the point where you take naps from 1-2 hours long! This is when things start to get fun!

You had your first shots this month (well, the first ones that weren't in the nursery right after you were born). This was awful. Daddy had to hold down your arms and you were smiling and talking to him like it was a game and suddenly you let out a cry like I've never heard before. All I could do was sit there and cry while they stuck you three times with 6 different vaccines. I think that daddy was pretty close to crying himself. Even worse, it's not going to be the last time. Like daddy said (being the ever-so eloquent man that he is) better to have a few moments of pain than a lifetime of polio! This picture is of you the day after the shots. You didn't feel good at all and were such a little cuddler. I hated that you felt so crumby... but I thoroughly enjoyed all of the cuddling! And all that sleeping you did? I got a lot accomplished!

I have to say that you really hit the jackpot as far as big brothers are concerned. Oakley is so sweet to you and you think he's pretty darn funny! Today when we were leaving the store Oakley jumped up and ran to open the door for mommy so that she could put you in your car seat. He is very thoughtful like that and is always looking out for you.

For nearly three months you constantly had one piece of glitter on the top of your head. It didn't matter how many baths you got - somewhere there was a piece of glitter. We racked our brains to figure out where it was coming from but we still haven't figured it out. It's finally gone. Aunt Clara and I think that's where the fairies kissed you on top of the head! Those magical kisses are hard to wash off!

Mommy got laid off this month and without you and your smiles things would have seemed much more hopeless. It's hard to feel too much stress or sadness when you have a beautiful, healthy baby at home. All is right with the world now that you are in it. I have been told quite a few times that I have a glow about me. Nothing gets to me too much anymore. I have my family and this makes me complete.

I start my new job on Monday and will be doing another job on the side. I used to be off on Fridays and I could come home on lunch and see you every day Monday-Thursday. I won't be able to do that anymore and it breaks my heart to think about it. You will be hanging out with daddy and Aunt Clara. I know that you will be in wonderful hands ... but I'd rather them be my hands. I hope that someday you understand why I work so hard. I hope that you understand why Daddy is up hours before the sun rises and still finds the energy to play with you, Oakley and Buddy every afternoon. It's because we love you and want you to have the world.

At Mommy's "Farewell Potluck" in a very silent moment you decided to let out the loudest most obnoxious fart. People were shocked that something that big could come out of something so small. That's my girl! Timing and class all the way. Couldn't have shared my sentiments any better!

You figured out how to splash and kick in the tub and you love it! We sing "Tubby Tubby Time" to the tune of "Happy Holidays" and you kick to your heart's content! The bedtime routine of: witching hour (cranky, tired baby that doesn't want to admit that she's tired), bath time, naked baby time... where you are also cranky because you don't want to be cold, nursing, cuddling, putting you down and holding your binky, nursing again, followed by sleep seems to be really catching on~!

I still can't walk more than 10 steps in public without someone stopping me to comment on how beautiful you are. One day in Red Robin we had the entire wait staff stop at one time or another to love on you... even other tables were smiling and waving at you. It felt like you had a fan club! I know that you are the prettiest baby in the world, yet it still surprises me when an entire room full of strangers agrees!

You went to a new pediatrician for your 2-month check up. She was very nice and was very impressed with your upper body strength. She also said that you are above-average intelligent. Everyone keeps asking me how she would even know that. I really don't know, but I agree with her and think she is a very good doctor!

Daddy figured out that if you are in your travel system and feel like you are part of the action then you are very content. He wheels you from room to room as he tidies the house. One day I came home to find tire tracks all over the house. He had been running laps with you from one room to the next. You loved it! I imagine one day you will enjoy daddy time as much as Oakley does. Then mommy will have a small heart attack when she finds out that the three of you were in the backyard putting fire crackers in vegetables... again! Or that you will be spinning circles in mommy's car, or that Daddy let you steer at the age of nine.

People keep asking when I am going to put you in your crib in your own room. You haven't even made it to your bassinet in my room yet. Every time this question is posed my lungs stop working. I can't imagine not having you next to me and the nursery seems like it's miles away. I know that you will be ready far before I am. This will also happen about the time that the seasons change and it's too hot for daddy to sleep in the garage!

When I'm laying with you and holding your little hand sometimes I think about the day when you're a teenager and you will hate me. You're a Scorpio and I'm a Leo and I know that we will have some storms ahead of us. I hope that we can both remember how much we need eachother and that bond that we formed holding eachother for five days in a lonely hospital room. When my mind drifts further I have to stop myself. I get teary-eyed thinking about your college graduation, your wedding, having babies of your own. My heart already swells with pride at the woman I know you will become.

My heart swells so much sometimes I think it could just explode. You have filled every void, patched every heartache and paved the road to a lifetime of smiles.

Love, Mama

Belly/Baby Laughs and Strippers

When I first found out that I was pregnant I ran out and bought "What to Expect When You're Expecting" as an impulse buy I also grabbed "Belly Laughs" by Jenny McCarthy. I have to say that Belly Laughs was far more helpful than What to Expect was. Perhaps it's because I am a very candid person but I was so glad that I had someone telling me exactly what to expect. Even the oh-not-so-pretty parts! I had no idea that your China swells. Her comparison to a swollen China and a blue twinkie really got me through! I have decided that when I find out that friends are expecting I will get them Belly Laughs and The Belly Book. These were the most useful resources for me.

When Barnes and Nobles had their huge after-holiday sale I bought Baby Laughs for $3.99. It was very cute. Perhaps not as informative as Belly Laughs but the story of her telling the Nazi Lactation Consultant that she shit herself just to get rid of her was worth every penny! I just about died!

Her writing isn't the best - but the books definitely serve their purpose. Each story seems to end with a sort of "essay ending". That was a little irritating, but not irritating enough to make me stop reading... or to stop me from buying her other books.

I also finished the book Candy Girl by Diablo Cody (who is also the screenwriter for the movie Juno). This book was a great, quick read... but not something that you would want to discuss with your grandmother. It is raunchy to say the least... and in the most page-turning kind of way!

I would crawl into bed each night and hook on my book light that I received in my stocking and disappear into world of strip clubs. Complete with wigs, mustaches, sex toys, a cum licker and bed dances (eeewwww!) While on binky duty (that's code for holding Evie's binky in with one finger so that she doesn't spit it out and then wake up and start screaming... this only lasts a few minutes but has become a staple in the bedtime routine) I would dive into this poorly lit lifestyle and feel a little more rebelious and less matronly.

Pink bows + Pink slips = no bueno

There's one thing that I hate more than pumping and that's job hunting. Two days after Christmas I found out that I need to be doing both. I instant messaged a co-worker to find out if I should come in on my day off and run credit cards because I was worried that no one there knew how. She filled me in that all of the employees but two and the family were being laid off. We have until the end of the month to find another job but they would prefer that we find something quicker because they are having trouble making pay roll.

I worried for five days over the New Year vacation about the impending discussuion that I would be having with my boss. I practiced being surprised and disappointed because the coworker probably shouldn't have told me. I am so thankful that she did or else I would have spent much more of my paycheck from that day. I felt so sick and went over the conversation over and over in my head. It wasn't as bad as I had feared come Wednesday morning. It was still shitty.

Please add this to my "whore myself for diapers" post from a few months ago. Getting laid off right after Christmas with a two month old at home. On top of that I am the one that carries insurance for me, Brian and Evelynn. Brian's job doesn't even offer insurance. Kick in the nuts? Sure is.

Without going too much into detail and breaking the cardinal "no talkie about workie" blog rule I will say that this has been a long time coming and is some what of a relief. It has been difficult to work for a struggling company and to be first on phones to customers that have been waiting so long for product - and will more than likely continue to wait.

The one thing that stings is the nepotism. It's hard to lose your job while a family member keeps theirs, is over paid (making what two other hard-working employees make combined), works from home and is underqualified. On the other hand, this gives me the opportunity to find a job where I won't ever have to worry about that again.

The day that I found out I held Evelynn and cried. I felt that I had let her down somehow. I was sobbing and looked down to see that she was staring up at me with a huge grin. It's as if she was saying "cheer up mommy - we'll figure it out, we always do!" I cried and laughed and held her.

So I've sent out numerous resumes - many to places I'm sure that I won't want to work anyways. Now I get to go to interviews and nervously sell myself only to be told that the job is $7.50 an hour and they don't think I'm qualified. I get to juggle offers and wonder if I should hold out for something better. But for now - I get to wait for someone to even call and wonder why they aren't. It's like dating but worrying about your mortgage rather than your feelings.

I have had one bite. A job as a gun salesperson. Yep guns. I would go through 3 weeks of gun training and then would call gun dealers all over the country to try to sell to them. Um, not really my bag.

In the meantime I have a job through the end of the month. I get to come to a place that I have been laid off from every day at 8:30. Thank goodness that I can laugh and say "what are they gonna do, fire me?"

The Birth House

Have you ever read a book and had it represented by a color? Every time I opened the book and dove into Scots Bay I was enveloped by a salmon-orange color. That is the over all feeling of the book for me.

As a girl that has just given birth to her first child it was so fascinating to read about what women went through circa 1917. I have watched many (many, many) episodes of a Baby Story, Bringing Home Baby, Birth Day, etc. and I am guilty at rolling my eyes at the couples that opt for a home water birth and such. I believe that we are so fortunate to have modern medical technology and we should take advantage of it. More power to the women that choose to have natural births, but please don't feel like you need to tell me about it. Give yourself a gold star and move on with your life. But I digress ::clears throat::

I cannot imagine my options being a home birth or a birth that included being put completely under with horrible drugs and then not remembering a thing. To think that my husband could have more say over whether or not I have another baby is proposterous. These women are not allowed birth control and many of them nurse for as long as they can - just to keep from getting pregnant again (which we know now doesn't always work). My heart broke for them.

The book was like a pop up book for me. Every time I opened it I was able to look down on a small Canadian village through the eyes of a young midwife. It was fascinating to read that Preeclampsia was referred to as "the stranger's face" because women were so swollen that they were hardly recognizable. To read about premature babies not standing a chance makes me realize how fortunate we are. Women can choose to have their baby at home, at a birthing center, hospital, naturally, epidural, scheduled c-section and... if God forbid something should go wrong there's a good chance that modern medicine can save those little souls. All eye-rolling aside, we are truly lucky to live in a society with options... and this book is a great reminder of that.

Two Months

Dear Evelynn,

It's amazing the lessons that can be learned from a tiny baby who has been on this earth for less than 8 weeks. You discovered your reflection recently and cannot stop adoring yourself. You smile and coo at yourself and then crack yourself up. I hope that you can hold on to this confidence. I spent far too much of my young life hating the way that I looked and convinced that I was fat. You are so beautiful and I hope that you are able to see and accept that. Far too much energy is wasted otherwise.

While I was pregnant I heard a celebrity (no clue who) say that having a child is the strangest thing because you are head over heels in love with a complete stranger that you know nothing about. This couldn't be more true. I know some of your personality traits from the womb but we have all been trying to get to know you since you took your first breath. I have been asked a few times "does she usually do that"? I can only blankly stare at them and shrug. I have no idea what you usually do and just when I think I have it figured out you go and change on me. I kind of have your cries figured out. There is the squawking "why aren't you holding me I know that this is a swing I'm not stupid" cry, there is the "I'm starving and you haven't fed me in at least three weeks" cry that usually includes dramatic dove-like coos and then there is the hurt cry. this one includes tears. Some are yours but most are mine. It breaks my heart.

Daddy has taken to sleeping on the couch or in the garage because he gets up so early in the morning so you and I have the master bedroom to ourselves. I feel like we are having mini slumber parties and I cherish our time together. You and I in a king size bed - up every three hours watching infomercials, music videos and nursing. You are such a great sleeper at night. You nurse like clockwork and then I put you on a quilt that is on top of one of those absorbant pads (so as not to ruin our new bedspread) on your side and you go right back to sleep. The 5-6:00 feeding you decide that you need to be held until I have to get up in the morning so I grab you and put the comforter over both of us and we go back to sleepwith you in my arms. This is the reason I have been late to work nearly every day. You are the most cuddly thing on earth. Sorry about the time that I woke up and had drooled all over your head.

The sleeping habits however during the day - that's a whole 'nother story! Not only can we not put you down (you have literally been held for nearly 2 months straight) but you cat nap. When you finally get to sleep I hold my breath and place you in the swing and then sprint around the kitchen frantically trying to cram food in my mouth ... not knowing when I will get to next. I am working on getting better at doing most things with one hand - but this is coming from the girl that wasn't that great at doing most things with two hands! Daddy has pointed out that I should really have you on a schedule by now and I just have to laugh. You are on a schedule - your own! And we're on the same one. I suppose a great sleeper at night is worth a cat napper during the day. At night when you fuss a little bit in your sleep I reach over and put my hand next to you. You put your little fist on top of it and fall back asleep. I want you to know that I will always be here for you. I need you just as much as you need me.

You aren't hard to console at all. You cry and then once you are picked up (or sometimes even as you are being picked up) you stop completely. There have only been a couple of times that you have cried longer than a few minutes. I am so grateful for this.

Even the expensive diapers can't hold your explosions. We go through at least 3 wardrobe changes a day. Even after you have a blow out and I go to change you, somehow you manage to stick your sock in the mess.

I went back to work when you were 5 weeks old and it has been extremely difficult. You are so cute in the mornings! You smile and sigh and your breath smells so sweet and you are so warm and soft. I hate leaving you. I have cried all the way to work more than once. Daddy watches you on Mondays and Tuesdays and Aunt Clara watches you on Wednesdays and Thursdays so thank goodness I haven't had to take you to a stranger or worse yet a daycare at such a young age. But no one is me and I feel guilty for leaving you.

You had your first Christmas and slept through the majority of it. When you weren't sleeping you were very cranky. I think you may have just been overstimulated from all of the excitement. Daddy and I are already talking about how excited we are for next year when you will understand things a little more. I must say that I loved having an excuse to buy Disney Princess Christmas wrapping paper!

Lessons learned include: no one is more fascinating than your daddy, whistling is hilarious, hunger is a very dramatic emotion, a big wet dog snout in your face is nothing to be too concerned about, sleeping through band practice is easy... as well as sleeping through Christmas, when someone holds you for the first time it is best to fill your pants at that moment and you are crazy enough to enjoy mommy's singing. (sorry about the time that you were crying and the only thing I could think of was to hum "Chariots of Fire"... not sure where that came from. )

My life started the day you entered it.

Love, Mommy

Life in circles

My mom passed away when she was 27 years and 3 months old.

I had a baby when I was 27 years, 3 months and 2 days old. Smiles from above arrive in the strangest of packages.

Eat Pray Love

Have I mentioned that I hate pumping? It's completely bovine and a little humiliating. It also leaves you very vulnerable. I had a friend that I looked forward to visiting while I pumped and it made everything seem not so bad afterall. Elizabeth Gilbert's book Eat Pray Love reads like a classic novel and a note passed by a high school friend all at the same time. She is able to write beautiful prose in one paragraph and follow it up with the most up-to-date and perfectly fitted slang.

I bought this book a week before I had Evelynn. I couldn't afford it but grabbed it anyway at Target and convinced myself that $11 spent on myself wasn't completely selfish. I went home and poured myself into the book and was sad when I had to tear myself away to go to sleep. I didn't get back to it for some time. My first day in the hospital I wrote down things that I wanted Brian to bring from home for me. Pillow, new book on nightstand, toothbrush, etc. He forgot the pillow, but I was so thankful that he brought the book. I had trouble reading it while on my left side for so long. I tried to read it while on the morphine drip but realized that I was saying words but nothing had actually sunk in. I was so sad that I couldn't get back into the world that was this book. I knew that it held far-off destinations for me, far away from the hospital that I was so lonely in.

When I got home from the hospital I was a wreck. I was so weepy and scared and could barely walk. This book was my companion to many scary trips to the bathroom to have post c-section bowel movements. It got me through as I clutched the book and the bathroom counter at the same time... praying that the dulcolax would please, please do its job.

When I left it at work once I returned 5 weeks later (yes - it took me over 6 weeks to read a book!) and I remember sitting on the couch that night reminiscing about my old friend. Feeling a little sad.

I think that if I were to meet Ms. Gilbert in real life I would feel so intimidated by her. She is a big city woman with an education and street smarts. After reading this book I'm reminded that we are all human. Even the most intimidating or enviable (is that a word?) characters have had moments where they were weeping on their bathroom floors.

I'm reminded of all of the ways that we can "feed" our souls. Food, prayer, love, friendship, charity, conversation, journaling, sex, travel, nature... just to name a few. How quickly we lose sight of these small servings of soul-nourishment. It seems that we are so quick to claim that we are just plain unhappy in life when really it's because we're standing in a river and dying of thirst. I recommend that you read this book... and drink up!

I'm an Emotional Boob

Who knew that a woman's breasts are directly tied to her heart strings? It seems that so many of my emotions lately are linked to my chest - but not my heart... my boobs!

Emotion one: Helplessness and Sadness
"Breastfeeding is the most natural thing on earth" True, but don't let this statement fool you like it did me. This does not mean that breastfeeding is instinct for either you or your baby. I honestly and truly thought that Evelynn would be born, placed on my chest and then would start suckling as soon as I put her to my breast. I will hold for a moment while the women reading who have breastfed compose themselves and are able to stop laughing. This is a complete learned behavior for both you and your baby. I remember awkwardly trying to put my daughter to my breast and somehow holding her so that she was nearly upside down trying to drink. Looking back I'm not quite sure how I did this - perhaps it was the morphine drip. I remember trying to get her to latch and sitting there bawling because she wouldn't. I had a small vile of sugar water that I would put on my nipple and her lip and then hold my breath and pray that it would work. I literally rang for a nurse nearly each time I fed her to help me get her to latch. I was felt up more times in those five days than all of high school!

Emotion two: Anger
I am very disappointed and angry with my left breast. He has let me down when I needed him most. Not only is he inverted but refuses to produce much. I fear that this generation of lefty's may be going downhill as demonstrated in a recent hippie kate post. I have become very exhasperated with him a few times and have given up and turned to trusty righty. She is female as she steps in and understands the importance of cooperating... even a little bit.

Emotion three: Exhaustion
Two words: Cluster Feeding. This is when your daughter enters a growth spurt and suddenly becomes an insatiable vulture and eats all.the.time. Every time you finally hand her off to a family member and think that you may be able to ... oh I don't know... pee, she decides that she hasn't been fed all day and begins rooting on her daddy with the urgency of a fasting fat girl. No pun intended when I say that I have never felt so drained. And all I did was sit for days at a time. The worst part is that while sitting you are able to look around and take note of everything that needs to be done around the house. Note to self: plant is dying and needs to be watered, dog needs to be fed, mommy is in desperate need of a shower.

Emotion four: Pain
A woman's milk "letting down" sounds simple enough right? Letting down is not the right word. It's more of gushing forth with the momentum of a ford powerstroke. One moment you're fine, the next your breasts are heavier than Dolly Parton's. Going too long without pumping or feeding seriously makes you wish that your breasts would literally pop and put you out of your misery. As we speak I am suffering from my first case of clogged ducts. I can barely move my arm I am in so much pain.

Emotion five: Humility
A girl hasn't lived until she has tried to pull out her boob under a blanket while in public. I get so scared of flashing someone that I usually break out into a sweat and work myself up into a panic at the mere thought of it. I was extremely lonely to be standing in the bathroom of the JCPenney bathroom while breastfeeding and listening to a lady have a bowel movement. And taping a note onto the conference room door of your work three times a day that says "Do not disturb, pumping in progress" Classy.

Emotion six: Hurt
As in butt hurt. Hurt feelings. Feelings of inadequacy that are not justified. As in today when righty is clogged, my feelings are literally hurt by this. I feel like I have been foresaken. I am literally sad and hurt.

Emotion seven: Hunger
I am hungrier than I ever was while pregnant.

Emotion eight: Pride
I told myself and others while I was pregnant that I would try to breastfeed as long as I could. I didn't want to make any promises. What if I hated it? What if I wasn't capable? Turns out I am. And this makes me so proud. I want to put an inspirational sticker on my shirt like the ones teachers gave out in elementary school ("nice job" "cool kid" "dino-mite") and strut in my lactation greatness. I am so, so unbelievably proud of every one of her dirty diapers. This means that I am single-handedly providing all of the nutrients that she needs. My daughter poops up to 7-8 times a day... put that on your bumper sticker.

Emotion nine: Complete, utter unconditional bliss and unwavering love
Yes, I wasn't sure that I would like breastfeeding. Would it be weird? What if it felt a little too good (like when you climb the ropes in gym class)? Am I really ok with carrying my milk in a tote on my shoulder? Turns out the answer is a resounding yes! I have never felt more complete and wonderful than looking into my daughters eyes as she noisily swallows. The first time that she stroked my side with her little hand while feeding I was so happy. I love gently stroking the side of her face and the look that she gets when she finally unlatches and throws her head back and smiles. Nothing else matters during that time. Not the clock, the fact that you are running late, your messy house, your clogged ducts... nothing. Life is as God intended it and I realize what amazing creatures we really are.

Birth Story

Being a new mom feels like you're Bambi just learning to walk on ice + a ton of adrenaline, horomones, a C-section incision and feelings you just never knew existed. I can say that those that type out a "birth plan" had better be pretty leniant and understanding because not one thing went as I had expected. You may have a plan but the universe and the baby have a far different one!

I had wanted to stay at home and labor for as long as possible and then go to the hospital when I was having contractions about 3-5 minutes apart lasting at least 1 minute. Brian tested out the timer on his cell phone. I would bake cookies for the nurses, take a shower and put my hair in two french braids so that it wouldn't get in the way during the labor process.

Fast forward to my weekly app't on Wednesday the 24th. I had gained 6 lbs and my blood pressure seemed a bit high. The doctor had trouble finding the baby's heartbeat so she had a quick ultrasound done. This showed that my amniotic fluid was low. They want it over a 12 and mine was at an 8. The doctors worry when it's at a 5. They had me come back a couple of hours later to do a non stress test. I was irritated because this meant that I would miss more work but went to my in-laws house so that I wouldn't have to drive back into town. They hooked me up to a fetal monitor and had me push a button when she kicked. Her movement and heartbeat were down (128) so they had me come in the next morning for an ultrasound.

Thursday morning I went in and my amniotic level was at a 13. The baby probably just needed to pee. Her activity was way up and her heartbeat was at a 158. I went to work.

Friday I was increasingly irritated that I had to drive all the way to Prescott just to get my blood pressure retaken. Couldn't I go to a grocery store or the fire dept or something? I didn't want to miss more work. I had convinced myself that any work I missed cut into my paid time with Evelynn and it broke my heart. I dropped off Oakley with my mother in law and had some coffee and pumpkin bread and then went to the doctor's. I gained 4 more lbs from Wednesday and my blood pressure was up. I also had traces of protein in my urine. They had me wait in the waiting room. I was wondering if they would induce me. I pictured that they would call and set up an appointment within the next few days and I would have so much time to prepare! The nurse practitioner came in and told me that I needed to go directly across the street to get a Toxemia test and get monitored and induced. She said "Happy Birthday" and sent me on my way. My eyes must have been saucers. I was in complete shock.

I drove by Meagan's house, she wasn't there. I called information for the brewery and told Brian to go home and get the hospital bag and meet me at the hospital. He was probably more shocked than I was. I called my sister - no answer, called her at work - no answer. I did this at least 5 times. It took forever to find a parking spot and then Clara called back. I filled her in quickly and she said that she would try to get out of town that day. I called my mother in law and she couldn't believe it either. I could hear Oakley in the background saying "what?!?" As I was walking in to the hospital I realized that I hadn't called work! I called and told them that I wouldn't be in because I'm having a baby today! (the today part was very naive of me).

I walked in and glanced at the clock, 9:50 am on Friday the 26th. A full moon. I rode up the elevator with a very anxious man with a ton of batteries, a video camera and a camera. His wife was in labor. I walked to the front desk and the woman was expecting me. She took me to a large room with a hospital bed, bathroom and rocking chair. She gave me a hospital gown and a cup to pee in (story of a pregnant girl's life... peeing in a cup). A nurse came in and said that they were going to draw my blood to check for toxemia and I told her that I was also here to be induced. Her face dropped and she said "we don't have enough staff!". I guess that they were understaffed on top of the fact that there were a ton of women already in active labor. I asked her if she wanted to call my doctor's office to verify and she said no but said that I would be a lower priority than the women in labor (duh...) She put me in the bed and strapped me to the monitors and then asked health info, etc. She asked if I had been nauseaus and I told her that I had been throwing up at least twice a day for about a week and a half. She asked if I had a headache and I told her that for three days I had one so bad that my teeth hurt. (these are both tell-tale signs of preeclampsia also) She took my blood pressure and told me to lay on my left side to try and bring it down. I ended up having to lay on my left side, nine months pregnant for 19 hours. My hips were killing me. Brian showed up like two hours later. I can only imagine that he must have been so shocked that he didn't quite know what to do with himself. I started to get phone calls from people and realized that he had called every person on his cell phone! He finally showed up and was very stir crazy. He's not the most patient of people and I don't think that there is any man on earth that is comfortable visiting his wife in the hospital. The nurses came and went checking my blood pressure. My doctor went out of town (ironically right after I checked in to the hospital - but we'll get to that in a second) so I was going to be seen by her fill in Dr Linn. I hadn't eaten all day and finally they got the ok from the doctor for me to eat something light at 4 pm. I ordered a salad, ginger ale and a ham and cheese crossaint. I kept asking when I was going to be induced. They said that they couldn't start giving me (I think it was cytotec but I'm not sure) until I had my own nurse. This didn't happen until 8:00 that night. So the first 10 hours were all for naught. I was very disheartened but anxious to get the show on the road.

My nurse came in and started my IV. So many women say that this is the worst part - and it sucked, it sucked bad. But I was so grateful to have some sort of progress that I handled it better than I would have in any other situation. Then she told me that she would need to start me on Magnesium and that it would make me not feel very well. This is the understatement of the century. That stuff is pure evil. It made me feel worse than I have felt in a long time. She inserted the first round of the vaginal pill. Ironically, the pill causes contractions while the magnesium is a muscle relaxer...

Brian had gone home to get some shut eye and I told him that I would call when there was progress. At midnight the nurse came back and gave me another dose. The doctor was at the hospital for another delivery and did an internal. It hurt so bad. I He tried to dialate me a little further and it absolutely killed. No change. Brian came back around 3:00 am. I was supposed to get another dose at 4:00 am but there wasn't a nurse available to give it to me. At this point I hadn't slept and was so discouraged I just cried and cried. I didn't get the other dose until 5:30 so this put us another hour and a half behind. I got another pill at 9:30 that morning. This whole time I was on the magnesium and only allowed a clear liquid diet. I was pretty miserable. That night the nurse had brought in a portable potty for me to use next to the bed since I was hooked up to so many wires. Around midnight or so she talked me into a catheter and I am so glad that she did. They were giving me diuretics to try to get rid of some of my water weight and I would have been miserable getting in and out of bed that many times. I was set to get put on Pitocin at 1:30 and I was so anxious to get things going. At this point I was 75% effaced and 2 cm dialated. At 1:45 I shifted and my water broke. I was ecstatic! This happened without the Pitocin! I felt like I had done something on my own and had progressed - - without the dumb nurses. I called Brian and he came back. They started the Pitocin and the contractions started. They were getting to be about 4 minutes apart and fairly difficult. The doctor told me to let them know when they were very painful and they would start the epidural sooner rather than later because they didn't want my blood pressure to go up higher during delivery. At about 5:30 the nurses switched shifts. I was holding on to the rails during contractions and still on my left side. Things got strangely quiet and I didn't really know what was going on. The new nurse gave me oxygen and told me to breathe that. I guess that my blood pressure had suddenly gone through the roof and my lips had started to turn blue. I don't remember exactly what was said but the nurse quietly told me that they had called the doctor and he was on his way down to talk to me about what they were going to do next. I remember asking her if they were going to do a C-section and she said that more than likely yes. I couldn't believe it. I called and my sister had just got into town and I told her to come right away. My mother in law, Heather and sister were in the room when the doctor came in and told me that because my blood pressure was so high and I wasn't progressing that they thought it was best to do a C-section. I got very upset because I was already in labor (somewhat) and I thought that I would have to labor for a long time before they got everyone together for the surgery. I asked how long it would be. He said a half hour. I couldn't believe it.

The nurse handed Brian a stack of scrubs and told him to change for the procedure. He was white as a sheet. When he came out of the bathroom his face was tear stained.

They started to wheel my bed out the door in no time. I had to laugh when they rammed the bed into the door frame over and over a few times. Figures.

I've never had a surgery, never broken a bone and have never had a cavity filled. I always thought that in this situation I would lose it. I was strangely calm... almost to the point that I scared myself a little. The operating room seemed like the inside of a space ship to me. The lights were glaring down on me and it was so chilly and sterile in there. They lifted me from my bed and on to a small table and tied my feet down. Then they covered me with warmed blankets. It felt wonderful not only to be on my back and not my side but to be comforted by the blankets. They had me sit up to get my spinal. I thought back to online friend's stories of what an epidural felt like and took heart in those descriptions. A nurse wearing an operating mask so I could only see her eyes put her arm around me and I layed on her shoulder. I realized after a bit that I was grasping onto her back-arm fat! haha. She kept me so calm. The numbing shots felt like little bee stings and I didn't really feel the spinal. They told me to lay and that I should start to feel strange. My lower body was supposed to go completely numb. This never happened. I could move my toes and feel my legs. They put up the sheet and I told them that I could still feel. They poked me on the belly and asked me if I felt sharp or pressure. A couple of times it was just pressure but other times it felt like the tip of a knife. I started to panic. The pressure felt scary enough. The sharp was petrifying! My face was so itchy this whole time.The doctors were telling stories about a new piano and some were telling dirty jokes. I kept thinking what if I could feel them cut me? At that time I saw the anesthesiologist over me and he said that he was going to put me to sleep for a little bit. I thought that he meant until the spinal kicked in. He put a mask over my face. The next thing I knew I woke up to pressure in my abdomen and thought that the surgery had started. Then I could hear and feel them stapling. I asked if they had started and the doctor said they were done. Evelynn was born at 6:34. I went in for surgery at about 6.

I couldn't believe it! I felt complete desperation to see my baby. I asked them how she was, if she was ok, how big she was, if she had a lot of hair. I was slurring the questions and getting little response. I was so sad. Then they wheeled me to another room with two people. I guess this was recovery. I don't remember much other than them putting me on my side to get the spinal out. They said something about my tattoo and I was trying (unsuccessfully) to tell them the story behind it. They wheeled me out of there and down a hallway. It was like a dream. I saw a couple of the nurses that I had during their shifts the day before and waved. I saw my sister, mother in law, Meagan, Brian and Heather and waved. Then they wheeled me into the hospital room. I asked everyone what she looked like and they said she was perfect. I asked Clara if she had taken pictures and she was reluctant to show me because that would be my first glimpse of my daughter. I just said that it was better than nothing. It was like seeing someone I had loved all my life, maybe even longer. The nurses wheeled her in and Brian put her in my arms. I've never felt more wonderful in my life. Nothing else mattered.

The cure for preeclampsia is delivery but 2% of the time that doesn't happen. I fell in to that 2%. For the next 5 days Evelynn and I were in the hospital. Those were some of the scariest and loneliest moments of my life. I was hooked up to so many things that I just held her. I didn't sleep much and coudn't eat for a few days. The nurses came and went to take my blood pressure and each time it was high I would just cry because I knew that it could mean yet another day in the hospital. The doctor had me get up to walk one day and I thought that if I did a great job I might get sent home. The first time I tried I sat up and nearly passed out. I broke out into a sweat and wanted to rip my clothes off. The second time I did better and the nurse helped walk me out of the room. I practically ran because I wanted to do such a good job so that I could go home. I was desperate. I cried to so many strangers it's not even funny. On top of being exhausted, drugged, post partum and post surgery I was holed up in a hospital room. Finally on Halloween I was discharged.

I've said a million times that you really don't know how you will handle a situation until you are in it. This couldn't be more true of my delivery story. My biggest fear was a C-section. Apparently I woke up during the surgery and was fighting the nurse and two nurses had to hold down my arms. That surprises me about myself. I found that I was stronger and more stubborn than I ever knew. I also found out that in moments of loneliness I am a bigger baby than I knew.

I still have to monitor my blood pressure at home and take blood pressure medication. Also, it took a while for my ankles and calves to stop swelling. I had forgotten how tiny my feet and ankles actually were.

Once home I started to feel more and more human every minute. I had so much wonderful help. Evelynn was worth every second of everything that I went through. She is a wonderful baby and the love of my life. I can't get through a grocery store or mall without being stopped over and over to be told how beautiful she is. She is my greatest accomplishment and the one time that Brian and I did something together that turned out perfect!

One Month

Dear Evelynn,

Today you are one month old. Part of me can't believe that you're here or that you're mine. You are so beautiful and such a good baby... minus the dramatics! Everything you do is done in complete Scarlet O'Hara style! I find myself laughing at you all of the time. Yesterday you started smiling when we smiled at you. I live for this smile. You have a dimple on your right cheek and your chin. I want to dive in them!

When I woke up from the C-section I thought that it hadn't even started yet. I heard them stapling me shut and tried to ask questions about you but the doctors were too busy to answer very well. In recovery I tried to find out more about you but I was pretty out of it. I didn't see you for two hours after your birth. It was the most desperate feeling in the world. Perhaps this is why I haven't been able to put you down since. Remember this if (ok when) I am completely overbearing. I never knew that this kind of love was possible. It scared me a few times in the beginning and I wept at the thought of anything ever happening to you. It's amazing that something so small can completely turn a world on its axis.

I'm not sure what I did right to deserve such a wonderful, gorgeous, well-mannered baby but if I never do anything right again I always have you. Everyone comments on how pretty you are and I can only answer with "I know!". You look like a little Anne Geddes baby.

You still can't wear most of the clothes in your closet because you are so teeny. I can see your cheeks filling out every day and I can't wait for you to get thigh rolls! I daydream about the day that you will do so many firsts and I can't wait - and then in the same breath I dread that you will grow up at all.

I will try to write to you monthly. You change daily and I find that I do too. I am a mommy. I always wanted a daughter. I made a wish and you came true!

Love,

Your mommy

disclaimer: I have completely ripped off the monthly newsletter idea from my favorite blog dooce.com

Evelynn Rae

Born 10/27/07

6:34 pm

6 lbs 0 oz

18 1/2 inches

When you say nothing at all ~

I've been thinking lately of those awkward moments when someone is hurting and you would do anything to make it stop. As you grasp for the right words to say all that comes to mind are cliches - which you want to make seem heart felt. People mean well, but can say the stupidest things.

Take miscarriages for instance. "It just wasn't right, it's God's way, It'll happen for you, you can always try again". What's the right thing to say?

I sat between two beautiful, smart, amazing women while waiting for a table one night. I was slouched down with my hand on my stomach feeling the baby kick while they talked about giving themselves horomone shots in their stomach. I held my breath to keep from crying. I wanted to tell them how brave I think they are, how deserving they are - but I didn't say much. There have been many times that I have felt undeserving of my pregnancy. There are so many other women that have tried so hard. I got pregnant the first month of trying. I honestly just don't get it. My heart aches for couples with fertility problems.

A coworker of mine lost her little girl to brain cancer. She had people tell her "well - at least you have other children, she's in a better place..."

When I was attacked by a man that had climbed through my windown I had people say "well - at least he didn't actually rape you, at least you weren't hurt". Yes - this is true, but sexual predators enjoy the humiliation of their crime. Not the sex or the pain inflicted.

I have made the decision to stop trying to grasp for just the right thing to say. Nothing that I can say is going to take away their pain or suddenly make them feel better. They know that if they need anything I am here. They know that if they need to talk I am here. They know that I am sorry. I am not some wise woman that is going to make the earth quake with my amazing advice. I will say that I am sorry - give them a hug. And to quote Keith Whitley - You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

I don't rule.

I have officially moved from damn uncomfortable to pretty miserable. I didn't sleep at all last night due to my swollen, tender legs and needing to pee. I woke up with bags under my eyes like I've never seen before (and I'm sure will see again once the baby is here) and went to the restroom. I stood up and nearly dropped to my knees. It felt like someone had kicked me in the crotch. I went from leaning back when I walked to leaning over like an old woman. I showed up at work 10 minutes late with wet hair, no make up and shuffling very slow.

My appointment was at 10:15. As I drove this is what I imagined....

I arrive to the doctor, pee in a cup (one of those satisfactory pees, not a pregnant "are you kidding me... I had to go so bad and that's it?!" pees). They call me back right away and my weight and blood pressure are fine. Actually for the first time ever I didn't even think about the scale until I was nearly to the doctor's office. The doctor does the exam and her eyes get very big - I'm ____ cm dialted! (I leave that blank because I don't know exactly what would warrant this wonderful reaction from my doctor). She then tells me that I'm nearly ready and need to get to the hospital stat! She can't believe how far I've progressed. I must be really great at labor and child birth! I then imagined the phone calls to Brian and others and try to think of the best way to get my hospital bag to the hospital. I picture frantic people while I calmly go across the street to the hospital and check myself in with a smug smile because I well - I obviously Rule!

What actually happened:

I arrive to the doctor and check in and have a $71 balance. I post date a check for Friday and can tell that the receptionist is a little irritated. I go to pee and hardly anything comes out. I get a little on my hand because of the China swelling. I sit in the waiting room and make friends with the lady next to me (I do this a lot... ). Come to find out her app't is at 10 and mine is at 10:15. It is after 11 before I am called back. I gained 3 lbs and my blood pressure is fine. The nurse is concerned by my appearance and checks me for a fever - a sign that you might look as crappy as you feel! I undress from the waist down and wait, and wait, and finally the doctor comes in. She has a hard time finding the heart beat because Evelynn kicks the doppler and keeps avoiding it (she is SO going to be a little stinker!!!). The doctor looks exhausted and keeps trailing off in the middle of sentences. She tells me that her father is in bad health and that she will have a doctor filling in for her deliveries for a few days. Ok - yeah, whatever... please stick your arm in me. She does and says that there isn't a change. But, she didn't even seem to check much - it was a very half-assed internal. She tells me that she really wants to go to bed. Ok - yeah... can we try that again? I have to pry to make sure that everything is exactly the same. So I'm 50% effaced? Yes. And a fingertip dialated? Yes, I couldn't even feel her head. And her head's at a -1? Yes. I ask her if she thinks I'll go early and she says we should know more next week. Then she walks out! She left my chart and I totally tried to go through it to see if she wrote that I was a crappy patient or anything but I didn't find anything juicy. She didn't even leave me a wipey and a panty liner. Just left.

I walked out feeling deflated. I don't rule. I'm not in labor and still working 40 hours a day and putting up with my husband. I haven't progressed in seven whole days! I call two girlfriends - one that is pregnant and the other that has a 12 month old and tell them what a failure I am. I then went to Sonic and got a burger (which was yucky) a large tater tot (my serious craving) and a watermelon diet coke. This made me feel a little better.

I better kick ass at the next app't. I have decided I may even try to seduce my husband. I'm quite irresistable right now! However... if I can't sleep comfortably how in the hell am I going to do anything else remotely comfortably? Comments gladly accepted - with diagrams please. Please also use stick figures because then I'll appear skinny.