Wedding Planning & Spring Training

So, I have my dress, the photographer, DJ and minister is picked out. But where in the hell is my wedding going to take place? This is the question of the year and it is driving me nuts. Originally we had decided to keep everything cheap and do most everything ourselves. However, now I realize that this means renting chairs, tables and setting everything up on my wedding day and breaking it all down on my wedding night. In which case our attention has been directed towards the Prescott Resort. Even though it would break our entire budget they could set up our whole ceremony and reception for us. Centerpieces and everything. We would only have to find out "chicken or fish" from the guests and out of towners could stay at the resort. Even though the price tag is high, it makes a ton of sense. We'll see though, Brian and I have an appointment with them on Wednesday.

The action-filled season of T-ball has started again this year. This means sitting on metal bleachers and cheering for random children whose helmets nearly cover their eyes. This means that most kids will be sitting on their bases or chasing a butterfly in left field. Many will run in to eachother chasing the same balls and none of the throws will make it remotely far enough to land in to a mitt. This means keeping track of hats, mitts, shoes, shirts, etc between two houses as well as remembering that Monday is swimming lesson day. This means overpriced picture packages which include buttons (who wears these) and team pictures of squinty eyed little boys. But it's SPRING! And what better place to be than on a metal bleacher screaming "you can do it, keep your eye on the ball!"

Checking In

I thought that perhaps I would put a "normal" post on here as I know I have seemed like a crazy lady lately. If it comes through in your blog, then you know there's a problem!

I know that I have mentioned that work has been slow lately, but it has gotten to the point where I am actually trying to work slower to ensure that my afternoons aren't so full of dead time.

This weekend we had a bunch of people over to hear Brian's band. It went much better than I thought it would. A ton of people came up to him and said things like ' don't take this the wrong way, but this was WAY better than what we expected '. He was really proud. I got to show off my cute house and this makes me very happy. It also gave me a reason to clean for most of Saturday. Sunday we took Grandma out for lunch and were just lazy for the remainder of the day.

I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and I am so thankful that I read the book first. I ended up turning it off. They left out crucial parts of the book that are needed to fully understand the character. One of the main things that sets her apart is the way that she looks at the world. The character in the movie is not near as fascinating as the one in the book.

Per a close friends recommendation (Hi Quel) I also watched Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus. I really loved it. It has a lot of truth too, I know that when I was in Georgia I was more aware of God, you can feel it down there. Must be all the God-fearing kin folk or something. I also recommend this movie. We should all search for the gold tooth in God's crooked smile.

Wedding planning is going well. It will be a lot better when our location is built and we can visualize what kind of ceremony/reception we are looking at. We have tried to figure it out through the framing and plans...but neither Brian or I are very construction literate. He wants to send out the invitations like, yesterday...but I would like to make sure that we are inviting people to the actual location of the wedding first. Everyone knows essentially when it is.

Have I mentioned that I am petrified of marriage? Scared to death. I am so excited about my actual ceremony, I think about it at night and fall asleep with a little smile on my face. I have my dress saved on my favorites on my computer and I look at it throughout the day and let out a dreamy sigh... but the actual thought of marriage. . . makes me want to run and hide. I am already living as if I were married, and when I pray I get really calm and know that I am where I am supposed to be. But I don't know 40-year old Nisha, what if she's really mad at me for the decisions I'm making right now? I'm easily overwhelmed, I suppose the vastness of forever and two entire futures (plus children) is enough to make anyone get a lump in their throat. It's a leap of faith, my odds are fifty fifty. I will have to work every day to make it work, the notion is just insane sometimes! lol.

MUCH better

So once again life is looking good to me. I hate rough patches, but I suppose that they are par for the course in the game of life. I realized that I have really wonderful friends, fiance and even my doctor, nurse and counselor. I am truly a blessed girl.

Work has slowed down considerably lately, I have been done putting in orders and everything by three or three thirty. I used to barely get out of here on time. It should speed up soon though because the schools start purchasing again during the summer for the upcoming year.

No more what ifs

I have spent the past five days bed-ridden with anxiety. I am sick of it running my life. I went to my counselor and she told me that I need to get back on my medication right away. I am going this morning at nine o'clock. I don't care if I need to take medication for the rest of my life, people with heart diseases don't think twice...why should I? I'm sick of not eating, I've lost six pounds.

I just took on too much, and I have been trying to be perfect to everyone and have tried to keep everyone happy. Anyone's stress I take on as my own and make myself sick. I am going to go back to counseling to learn how to not do that.

I urge anyone that is sick with anxiety or depression to not be afraid and to take any measures needed to help themselves. I know that it seems dark and hopeless and you are the only one that can fix it...however weak and hopeless you feel. You can get through it. Life is genuinely good, sometimes you can just get overwhelmed and need a little help. And think of how lucky we are in this generation to have the medical profession understand so much about it. I plan to take advantage of that and get better.

Much too efficient

I am BORED! I have finished everything that I had pending and the last five minutes are dragging. I feel like I can feel the second hand clicking, and I think it hesitates before it does so. So, I get to ramble and have it up for the world to see. This is what I am driven to. I keep trying to jump on myspace, but once I do I realize that I don't have anything to do on there. I'm not quite sure how it keeps some people occupied for long periods of time. Ah well, maybe I'm just bitter because not much happens for me! ; )

Tonight is dinner with the in-laws and Grandma. There is some tension from recent comments and so on. Of course, we will all pretend like everything's just fine and smile through clenched teeth. They will leave and I will be able to fight with Brian in private! haha.

I just finished the book Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood. I recommend it to any girl that is much like myself and was usually the last one standing and could outdrink most of the guys. That seems to become your identity after a while, and it's hard to turn your back on that girl. Very hard.

Before that I read Running with Scissors (disturbingly good) and Memoirs of a Geisha (loved it, but was a little disappointed to realize that I wasn't actually reading a true story...the joys of being blonde I suppose).

I get to play Easter Bunny this weekend and I am very excited about that. Oakley asked for a harmonica...fingers crossed I can find one!

No Go

Apparently I was ripped off when I bought my Neon and they couldn't go through with the trade-in, so for now I get to keep my car...however I am being constantly reminded about what we can't do- without a truck. Meh. I'm over it. I can laugh about it a little bit as I picture Rick the Dealer, Brian and his dad standing around with hands on their hips talking about how women shouldn't be able to buy cars by themselves. Brian's father has been adamently trying to get me to cancel my warrantee, this may also keep him up at night. But if I run out of gas on the side of the road and want roadside assistance...by God I will pay the extra $2 a month to ensure that. And, I don't mind the idea of stressing him out a bit over my $2 a month rip-off.

Tonight is band practice in my garage. sigh. I am trying as hard as I can to stretch my day a bit so that I don't have to endure the entire "set list". I have heard Brians' songs a million times and even if I'm present for the entire 3-hour jam session he insists on bringing in the recording of it and pointing out highlights while he plays the CD over my television on the DVD player (ruining any chance of distracting myself watching the TV guide station).

I never did point out that I found my dream wedding dress! You know it's the right one when you feel skinny in it. Not just acceptable... like an actual toothpick. No wait! A HOT toothpick! haha.

My visit with Clara and Brandy was tons of fun and well overdue. Unfortunately they brought a huge snow storm with them so they couldn't enjoy the lovely weather we usually have. That's ok though. Game night was a huge success and Buddy has a huge crush on Brandy. He's been a little down since she left and walks around with the toy she bought him in his mouth. (or what's left of it.) He tried to chase me this morning as I was leaving for work. This resulted in at least three laps around my car in the middle of the cul de sac with Brian right behind him yelling every word in the book. By the time we got him back on the porch the cat had escaped. Brian held the dog down while I ran to my car to leave and he knew he was in trouble and accidentally peed on him! Brian said through clenched teeth "leave NOW". I just stood there for a moment with my hand over my mouth. He must love his Tuesdays off. Especially because I wake up pissed off every week. My mornings are very fragile! ; )

Keep on Truckin'

I drive a Neon. Worse, a Neon with a spoiler...which makes it sporty. When I went car shopping I didn't care if I went home in a two-tone 85 Le Sabre, the only criteria I had is that I didn't want a Neon. I bought a brand new one.

Brian has hated my car from day one, I realize that it's not the greatest thing but I think his strong feelings for it keep him up at night. There have been many weekends that we decide to run errands together and he requests I drive, I do this without thinking. Suddenly he suggests that we just "stop by" a dealership and check out other vehicles. I get so stressed out because I don't want to just trade my car in on a random Sunday afternoon. Finally, yesterday we test drove trucks and I agreed that we will trade in my car on a family truck. This way we can build our dog run and finish our landscaping. Brian will become popular to his buddies on moving day. He and his father are at the dealership right now trying to make a deal and they will call me when they need my signature. I prefer it this way because car deals make me very uncomfortable, mostly because the dealers are so stereotypical. The one that is currenlty helping us has a limp, false huge teeth and a gigantic gold sapphire ring on his pinky. His name is Rick and "he's been doing this for 13 years".

Brian turned 34 on Sunday and we went to Sushi. I use this term very loosely in Prescott. I'm not big on the lingo or any of the other culture that goes along with it. However, I'm pretty sure that the sushi cooks behind the counter aren't supposed to be a white boy and a Mexican with slightly slanted eyes. Also, our waiter was a veteran meth user and resembled Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. He also had tight jeans, a plaid shirt and a leather bill fold hanging out of his back pocket. I overheard conversation at the other table "Jim likes Ginger...don't you Jim. Did I ever tell you the story of when I fell off the ladder?" I doubt we will return anytime soon.

Florida was beautiful weather and it was nice to get away. I think that the best part was returning because Brian and I missed eachother so much. The first day was quite the honeymoon. That lasted less than a day! ; ) It was a lot of hard work and a long week away, however I missed a snow storm here and got to hang out at the beach one morning so I won't bitch too much. My skin loathed the humidity and I came back with a horrible complexion. I am such a desert girl.

Long time...

It's been forever since I've written (that sounds like it came directly out of my Jr High diary).

You know what I hate? When grown men pile in to the back of a pickup truck, freezing their asses off in their hoodies and then STARE at the person driving behind them. Very awkward. Especially when I am trying to eat my string cheese in the morning. Honestly, if you are heading to a construction site and have to pick up a few of your friends, or...as it sometimes is...your amigos. Perhaps you should take the low rider van and not the two door Toyota with the letters scraped off the back to spell "yo".

My sister and Brandy arrive tomorrow night and we are going wedding dress shopping on Friday. This petrifies me. I have never seen myself in a huge white gown. What if I look like an albino whale? What if I get struck down by lightning? haha. We are also doing the pictures for my wedding invitations this weekend, that makes me feel so...Mormon! The fact that they are not being taken in the Temple gardens or at the Great Salt Lake is somewhat of a relief I guess.

I am going to Florida for a tradeshow the week of the 19th. I have never been to Florida and can't help but picture Miami Vice, or an episode of CSI-stupid small town girl that I am.

I went to the dentist and realized that I have a huge fear of the bastards. I sat down in the chair and burst in to tears. I think it all goes back to when I got my bottom wisdom teeth out and came home with a ripped mouth and two black eyes. The dental office gave me a valium to take before my cleaning yesterday, but it didn't work at all. They should really make their tools less shiny, I think it's the sparkle on the hook of death that is about to scrap the shit out of my tooth that scares me the most. They could at least make it look more friendly. Speaking of friendly, they just built a children dentist's office and it looks like a fun house. Add the bright colors with the "bling" sound on the tools and that would send me screaming out of there...complete with flailing arms.

The palm

Can you tell that I totally got caught yesterday trying to update this? Yes, there is an abrupt ending. I will finish now that I am off of the clock for a few moments. ... Not that I had anything else really to say.

I had a palm tree in my living room that I bought from Walmart for the low, low price of $10. The aphids in the soil must have been free because before I knew it the leaves were covered and the tree was emitting a sticky sap used as its "defense" all over my carpet. I guess there's a spray that can be used to get rid of it, but Brian's dad forgot to bring it over... like five times. So this weekend I was so over it and the tree now resides in the garage/band practice studio.

Brian couldn't handle that there was an empty spot where the tree used to be. His OCD has a hard time with symmetry, or the lack thereof. He called me from the road this morning after leaving Home Depot with a new palm - $50! My lord. I thought he had been robbed until I went home from lunch and realized that are living room is now a jungle complete with small black panther (Wednesday) and dopey dog (perhaps doing his best monkey impression). This thing is enormous! Brian tried to smoothe things over by telling me that I can always trim it down. I do not want to be a palm groomer as I picture the men in California on the ladders ripping down leaves on the street side. One day I may need a ladder. This comment was quickly followed by "and don't kill it because it was damn expensive". Damn being the key word. So, if you come to my humble abode for the first time please understand that you will be greeted by a palm the size of the potted trees in a Miami hotel lobby. Yes, there is symmetry... however there is room for little else.

I took Oakley to see Narnia last week. As we walked out he said "you know who my favorite actor was? The lion!" Yes, Oakley... the lion was a great actor. People around us snickered. I really liked the movie though, they kept to the book so well and I don't think that they could have cast a better white witch.

Off to the gym. I have been going every other day... and hating every living second of it. I don't understand the people that say things like "I really enjoy working out" PLEASE! I have a scowl on my face the entire time and usually hold a grudge for at least an hour afterwards.

First snow!

It finally snowed here! I thought I was seeing things last night when I let Buddy out to go pee... and if you think I was surprised imagine what an 8 month old puppy who's never seen snow though. He was so freaked out when he came back in covered in snow. By this morning he had caught on and he was jumping around and playing in it. Why is it that when it snows it seems lighter and quieter at night?

Things have started to recover. Although we don't have full custody we are still very fortunate to have such a wonderful little boy in our life. I got this emailed to me and thought it was hilarious:

*FEMALE PRAYER*:Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strongOne who loves to listen long,One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks.I pray he's gainfully employed,when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"I pray that this man will love me to no end,and always be my very best friend.Amen* ** ** ** **MALE PRAYER:*I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniacwith huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.Amen.

My Merry Christmas

I'm pretty sure that anyone that reads this already knows that I got engaged on Christmas morning. I am so excited and suddenly can't stop looking at my hand! The blog may start to get a little sappy with wedding planning in about a year or so. Hold tight. You may want to cover your eyes! lol.

The past few days have been hellacious. We filed a request for emergency custody of Oakley for a very good reason and it was denied. Once again, we were punched in the stomach by the system. Dad's lose their visitation rights all of the time, mother's however can get away with nearly anything and they are the ones with the rights that are protected. I know that it's an old cliche that the court system and CPS are completely f*cked. But, it wouldn't have become a cliche and something that's heard all of the time if it weren't completely and utterly true.

Christmas, however, was just perfect. Christmas morning Brian and I woke up even before Oakley (I'm not sure if I even went to sleep!). I went and woke him up and he was so excited and gracious. Every gift was "what I always wanted!" I got the Chronicles of Narnia and I'm nearly done w/ book two. This proved to be the perfect gift as it's the closest thing to literally taking me away from this world the past couple of days, which is exactly what I have needed.

I should have probably split this up in to two different entries, as one is so exciting and happy, and the other is just sheer bullshit. So, now that we're all cross eyed and shaking our heads from my blog, I will post and go home.

Sentimental Fool

I find it necessary to point out that I am a complete and hopeless sentimental fool for the holidays. Everything about them somehow gives me a lump in my throat. Oakley and I were driving to his Oma and Opa's house dancing and singing jingle bells and I got a quick glimpse of him in my rearview mirror, I had to put on my sunglasses so he didn't think I was a crying crazy lady.... as opposed to the regular crazy lady that he's sure that I am.

What is it about everything holidays that makes a person warm and fuzzy? Are there subliminal messages in bells and organ music? I caught the very end of Home Alone on TV, where the mom comes home and hugs Kevin... I hadn't even watched the whole movie and that part alone made me choke up.

Sleepless in Seattle is another wonderful holiday movie. I realize that only the beginning is holiday-themed, however it's all based on a Christmas wish of one little boy. I was a mess last night watching that one. Damn that little Jonah.

Brian's sisters have arrived from Denver and New York for the holidays, so they're pretty much in full swing here in AZ.

One question that I get a lot this time of year is whether or not my tree is hanging upside down from the ceiling. My answer... definitely not. Rather, hell no. My sister has embraced the tradition and may carry it on as her own but I have not. I hated being the girl that people would come up to in the hallways and say Oh YOU'RE The one with the upside down Christmas tree! People would drive by our house to see it in the window. I suppose that living in a yellow house with a pink fence and pet pot-bellied pig may have shaped my character somehow... but at the time I just wanted to be normal!

Whew, suddenly my inner child came out for a short tantrum. I apologize.

In short, I cannot wait to see Oakley's face when he runs out of his room to find a bike with a huge red bow. I love to see him pull up a chair and sit so that he can sit and stare at the tree. I want to give him the world and the best holidays I can. My Christmas wish is for full custody, perhaps if I put it in writing it is more likely to transpire.

Three Gophers

Oakley: You know those three gophers?

Nisha: Um, no.

Oakley: I forget their names, but they like, they.... I don't know what they are called.

Nisha: Honey, I honestly don't know what you are talking about.

Oakley: Um, I don't know what they are called, but I like their music.

*Lightbulb*
Nisha: You mean the Chipmunks???

Oakley: Yeah! I like them!

You gotta love morning drives to school conversing with a seven year old. He never ceases to just make me smile and make my day. I love watching him walk to the playground after I drop him off. His backpack is bigger than he is and he loves to wear hooded sweatshirts, with his hood on. He just looks so grown up and small at the same time walking by himself. He told me this morning that he likes the guy "with the horns" on the wizard of Oz that sings the lollipop song. We sang the song together a few times after that. Weeee wish to welcome you to munchkin land!

We finally got our kitty fixed yesterday. She is really sore and confused now. We have her quarantined because our dog (aka miniature horse) is really rough with her. We used to feel sorry for her, but then noticed that she loves it. She walks up and smacks him with her paw on purpose so that they can play. He never hurts her, and if he did cross a line she has claws and would teach him.

I sewed curtains for my living room. Yes, you read that right. Presently one is about a yard longer than the other (shit!) so I have to do some altering. Life used to be trying to remember what happened the night before and deciding what to wear and wondering if he would call. Now it's dinners, homework, baths, bedtime stories, landscaping, curtains.

I plan to tackle the holiday crowds and get most of my shopping done on the day after Thanksgiving. It's a lot more fun to shop as Santa for a seven year old! Now... where do I hide a bean bag chair?? haha.

I am such a sucker for the holidays. The music puts a spring in my step and nearly every holiday special, movie or even commerical chokes me up completely!

Scaping our Land

Brian and I have taken on the daunting task of landscaping our backyard. Up until now it has been a pile of dirt, enclosed by an eight foot wall. The dog loves it as he thinks it is especially for him. The problem was, during monsoon season it turned into a mud pit... just add Buddy. So, we had to wrap him in a sheet when we got home each night and put him directly in to the tub. He didn't understand why we would do such a thing. As if bathing him isn't a pain enough... drying him is even worse!

So, with a ton of aid from Brian's father we have started to landscape. I didn't realize that this would mean that I would have a ziploc bag of "rock samples" in my purse. Last time I had something like that in my purse... well... we won't go there! lol. This task also means a lot of time spent in the backyard with our hands on our hips pointing at the dirt and talking about what exactly we are going to do. I stand there with my hands on my hips and smile and nod... waiting for the opportunity that I can sneak away and go watch TV.

Tonight we are getting 17 tons of rock delivered on our driveway and we will take it wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow in to the backyard. And by we I mean Brian, and whoever else he can find. I thought I would be helping more, but I honestly have never used a shovel and I am very scared of driving a wheelbarrow. I just want to wear cute hats and gloves (matching) and sit in the dirt and grow a vegetable garden and flowers. I will buy cute signs that say things like "garden of weedin'" and put them in the soil on posts.

On top of the landscaping we have the holiday season upon us. The preparation seems endless, and ... where exactly is the money coming from?

The smell of school supplies

I love it in You've Got Mail when they are comparing the feeling of fall to the smell of bouquets of #2 pencils. It really does smell like brand new school supplies! I love the feeling in the air. It makes me really happy. It's nearly dark already and I am still at work, if they change my schedule with daylight's savings to 5:30 again then I will leave and see the stars already! We have pumpkins on our path at home that look so cute. I would love to go ape shit and buy a bunch of decorations, but I figure I will just do a couple each year so that they are ones that I really love. I am so excited to pull out my Christmas decorations! ha ha.

I think that we may host Thanksgiving at my house this year. This will be my chance to prove to myself that I can host something without turning into Monica on Friends. I turn into an absolute freak trying to make everything perfect and then I'm absolutely miserable to be around... and Brian and I are usually fighting by then! Not this time... fingers crossed....

Forever and a Day!

Gosh, I have been the biggest slacker ever. Either that, or not a big enough slacker as the only time I really have to get on here is at work.

Clara was here this weekend and it was a blast. I was so excited to show someone from my family what I have done with my life these days. It's a far cry from where I was just a year ago (thank God!) ha ha.

I am loving this season change. Suddenly, in one afternoon it got crisp and cool here. Now I can pull out sweaters and the sort. No more shaving legs or showing bare arms. I am a happy girl. Time for scarves and layers! The only thing that I don't like is the closed toe shoes... my feet literally get claustrophobic. The housing division I am in is brand new so people are enjoying decorating their new houses. I really need to get the time, energy and funding to plant some bulbs and clear a section of my front yard. I would love it if I had flowers popping out of the snow in February!

I somehow spent hundreds of dollars in one weekend while Clara was here. We didn't even go out or shopping or anything! We did eat a lot and I think a lot of it was gas money... but still... I need groceries! ha ha.

We had Oakley's b-day party this weekend. He was an absolute sweetheart... I was nervous becaose I know that most kids turn into hellions when it's Their day. He opened his gifts and threw the wrapping paper away himself, used all of his manners and everything. It was Godzilla themed and turned out really cute, thanks to my sister's creativity. She's a lot better at that kind of stuff than I am. We had Oakley in the backseat of my car with 18 green and yellow Godzilla balloons and he kept saying "helloooo, there's a kid back here!" I took pictures of him peeking out from behind them. I hope that they turn out. I'll post some if so.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority,and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Author Unknown

I guess I scared some people with my blogs while being sad and having boyfriend problems. Rest assured, I am a big girl and even while crying I can handle my own. We are doing better now (for now).

I have decided that the song Total Eclipse of the Heart should be outlawed from station and allowed only in the comfort of you own home. How does it sneak on to your radio station in your car only when you feel so emotional and like your life is over? This always leads to crying and singing loudly. Losing your voice follows and snot on your face is pretty much a given. If I ever get elected in to office that's the first bill I will pass. I honestly haven't done much at work yet today. I should probably get on that.

I came outside today to find that my sidewalk (which has been ripped out for a couple of days to be fixed) has been repaved in exactly the same way that it was before. The non-curb part of our driveway is halfway in our yard. At first I wanted to track down the cement truck and yell at them, but they did have to put up with me at 7:30 this morning madder than a hornet because they were asking me to move my car. This included having to fold my arms to hold my boobs since I didn't even bother to put on a bra, or hide the fact that I was giving them death glares.

I have attached pictures of us hanging out. Brian and his dad were hanging blinds while the rest of us were repotting my house plants and hanging out on the porch.

I rely on my illusions to keep me warm at night.