My 1st appointment

I realize that this actually took place two days ago - but morning sickness (or all day sickness) has taken full residency and I was in bed for the past day and a half trying not to puke or cry. Sometimes the need to puke would make me cry. It was not a pretty sight. I am feeling a little better today but these food aversions are for the birds... especially coming from a girl that loves to eat and enjoys food. My kitchen makes me sick.

So, now to my appointment. I went in and had to fill out like 80 pages of paperwork. They had me pee in a cup and then wait. The office was a little hard to find and then once I did find it I couldn't find the entrance door! I saw Brian pull up and watched him try to find the door too, it was cracking me up.

We got called back and got my blood pressure taken (Brian stood there holding my purse!) and I got weighed. I have gained 2 pounds. However, I really don't need to be gaining anything. I am petrified of seeing the scale hit numbers that I've never seen before. Then we went into the room and I got into the gown that opens in the front. While I was getting undressed Brian totally averted his eyes! Like he'd never seen me without clothes on! The nurse practitioner came in and went over the family history, etc. She talked about morning sickness and other "complaints". She said that Propel water has been known to help because it has vitamin B6 in it. So then it was time for the Pap and I've never seen my husband want to be somewhere less than at this moment. I slid down on the table and he was like "I'm just going to run across the street and get some of that water you were talking about!" She was like "hold tight and we'll let you hear the heartbeat first!" I really don't see how a man can be more uncomfortable than his wife who is actually getting the pap!

She took the little microphone machine and tried to find the heartbeat. Nothing. I started to panic and she could tell. She told me that my uterus is tilted towards my back and that was probably why. Most doctors would have left it at that. She wheeled in "max" the ultrasound machine (it's an all-woman doctor's office so they named the ultrasound machine Max) and did an "unofficial" ultrasound. I could see the little heartbeat going and felt much better. However, it still doesn't seem "real". I feel like a walking science experiment. I am so sick and tired and gassy - I just don't feel like myself and I definitely find it hard to believe that there is a little person in me. No matter how much research I do.

I can say this: If this nausea lasts for the entire pregnancy then this baby will be an only child!

The Hack Job

This morning I had to be out of the house at 7:30 am to run Oakley to "town" (where his charter "school" is) and be back at work by 8:30. I have been looking forward to my first doctor's app't since I found out I was knocked up. Somehow I still didn't find the time to do the necessary leg shaving and grooming. So this morning I jumped out of bed and grabbed Brian's electric razor and plugged it in. Much to my dismay it didn't reach to the toilet so my first plan to just do my duty over the toilet was foiled.
So, I laid out a plastic bag and tried to hold my belly out of the way and get the job done. Let me preface by saying that my dear husband and I haven't messed around since we found out because he's afraid he will hurt the baby (I will have the doctor nip that in the bud today!) so I was overgrown. And Hello?! Flatter yourself much Brian? haha Anyways, it was more of a job for a machetti than an electric razor. Of course I'm half asleep and the next thing I know I have a bald spot right in the middle and my skin is a strange color because I think that I may have scraped it. In my defense I couldn't really see and was having trouble doing it one handed and making sure that the "clippings" went on to the Safeway bag below.... all while holding my bloated fat to the right. It is really a sad sight. Sigh. There is nothing, nothing cute about pregnancy.
This will be a great first impression for my doctor.

25-35 pounds.

That's the healthy amount of weight to gain during pregnancy. Many women gain as much as 60 pounds. This has me thinking that I will be seeing the inevitable 200 mark on the scale. The one that I never wanted to see.

I haven't completely gone hog wild since finding out about the pregnancy. It hasn't been a free pass to eat whatever I wanted - however the things that I can actually stomach are limited. I am more obsessed with food now than I ever was before. I go through my head and list foods until I land on one that I may be able to go near - and eat. And then, I must have that. Everything else is completely repulsive.

I haven't gained any weight yet. I have tried to continue going on walks. I found out last night that my pilates class has been cancelled. I was hoping to do this throughout the entire pregnancy. I have added a bunch of preggo workouts to my Netflix list and hopefully I will find one that I like enough to buy and start doing. The real workout these days? Getting out of bed and making it through the day! I always loved to sleep. Naps make me smile just at the prospect. Now, I dread climbing back in bed...again! I'm afraid that I will get bed sores anytime now. I am in bed by at least 8 every night and have a hell of a time dragging myself out of bed. I suppose that this is just the first trimester (or as I refer to it - HELL)

My first app't is on Monday and I will get to hear the heartbeat. Hopefully this will put my mind at ease. I have been a complete basketcase thinking that something could be wrong.

I have purchased my plane tickets for my little brother's graduation in May. I am very excited to go home and spend time with loved ones. My sister has decided to throw me an early baby shower since many people won't be able to attend one down here.

Letters from a knocked-up girl...

Dear Mr. Webster,

Please take pity on a first time preggo. I don't know what most of this stuff means. Even after reading online it is difficult. Layman's (sp?) terms please. Thanks!


Dear Preggo book & website authors,

I need you all to put your heads together and get on the same page! It is ridiculous that one person says one thing, while three others say another. I was cross-eyed over the weekend trying to figure out what the hell I could eat or do! Also, can you make it more clear that a miscarriage is not caused by a woman drinking too much caffeine or eating tuna fish, it is from an unhealthy fetus which we have no control over. That information would have been extremely helpful in the beginning while I was petrified that lunch meat may or may not kill my cute little parasite (as I've started calling it much to Brian's horror). Of course, the lunch meat theory is not present in all reports or websites!

What I've learned so far:

~ Listen to your own instinct. I KNEW that I was pregnant despite two negative pregnancy tests. Don't listen to everyone else or start to doubt yourself. Trusting your instinct is a very powerful skill that you will need in 9 months - when everyone will try to tell you what is best for your child.

~ Take all of the prenatal information and put it towards the back of your head. Enjoy this. Nothing you can do can change whether or not God has other intentions for this fetus. When people tell you "not to get your hopes up just in case" kick them in the shins. They are probably the same people that recited the newest divorce statistics when you announced your engagement.

~ HcG is good. We want this to continue to double and triple. For the first time in your life a foreign horomone multiplying is a fantastic thing. Friday the 9th = 66. Tuesday = 590 & Today = 1515!

~ Don't apologize if you panic. This is the first time that you have been through this! When you start spotting at work and think that you are miscarrying and bawl in front of everyone... it's ok. You don't owe any apologies and you would look much more ridiculous if you didn't seem to care.

~ The brain decreases by 8% during pregnancy. This is a valuable excuse as well as... what was I talking about again?

~ Enjoy and write down all that you can. Things have already started to become foggy.

And, the blog is tilted in a different direction

Up until now I have talked about my struggle to get my little brain around being overweight. The reasons for it, what I can do about it, etc. Now, I must gain at least 25 pounds in the next 9 months. Doctor's orders!

Yep, you guessed it right... I'm 6 weeks pregnant!

I have made the decision that I don't want to milk this and sit at home w/ fuzzy slippers and bon bons. Yes, I'm SO exhausted and nauseaus and scared and my boobs hurt like hell. But I'm not handicapped! The best thing I can do is eat right and excercise. And, you know how I talked about battles and how it's easier to do the right thing for others? I actually think about what I am putting in my mouth lately! Go figure! I'm not doing this for me anymore, I need to be healthy for a real little one that is growing in me. . . not a hypothetical someday child anymore.

Also, I am petrified of miscarrying. I am counting down the days until I hit the 11 week mark and the likelyhood is decreased. We've already told so many people... I would just hate to have to tell them bad news. We have had so many elated relatives. It has been so much fun.

Battles

I have been thinking lately about battles. We all have them, but the difference is which ones we choose to take head on. The saying "choose your battles" is true in a million instances throughout our daily lives.

::Said like Carrie Bradshaw::
But I can't help but wonder, when it comes to choosing our battles have we chosen wrong?

Some battles aren't ours to fight, and this can be very frustrating. In the matter of Oakley's mom and my husband, it isn't my battle. I am in the ring, but on the sidelines.. rubbing Brian's shoulders and spraying water in his mouth. But, when he goes to bat there is literally nothing I can do. If I were to run in there and put in my two cents I would just be looked at like "helloooo!? This isn't your fight!" For someone like me who loves my husband and stepson and wants to protect them from all that I can, this just kills me. It is a battle in itself to stay out of it. Believe me, I have put myself out there more times than I can count, but this just leads to complete defeat and feelings of helplessness.

Other battles probably are't as important but these are the ones that we seem to approach with the most gusto. We gear up in our armor with shield and sword and lunge towards our husband because "gasp" he didn't put the clothes away correctly, or (fill in your own example here). Lately, when an ex-friend decided that she hated me and to treat me like pondscum I couldn't confront her on it. One - because we're at work. Two - because I was so angry that I might cry and I hate that because it takes away from how angry I really am. Brian made the comment "why don't you lay into her like you lay into me sometimes?" I couldn't agree with him more, why am I able to be such a flaming bitch to those that I love but not to those who deserve it? More importantly, why is it easier to stand up for those that I love than it is myself? A tip from counseling? Choose your favorite childhood toy and imagine that what is being done to you is being done to them, then proceed accordingly. I went off on some people that had hurt my little "snow tiger!"

My mother passed away when I was 4 1/2 and when I was 16 I found a note that she had written days before she died that hit a core. She wrote "do I surround myself with other people's problems so that I don't have to face my own?" I felt as if my heart had spilled on to the page! I am guilty of that now as I was then. I have had to battle to make myself aware of being too helpful, to the point that I am no longer facing my own demons.

The main battle that I have chosen to ignore lately? The dreaded weight battle. When I should be putting on my armor (or tennis shoes) I have chosen to battle the dishes or laundry... or the leftover pie. When I should be focused and steadfast I have been distracted.

It is so easy to put ourselves on a shelf. I can't imagine that this will get any easier, especially once I have kids. I want so much to be a good example for my children and to teach them healthy choices. I want them to be confident and happy.

Perhaps we could all stand to do some reconfiguring in our lives. The next time our husband does something irritating, choose not to round up the troops. And, the next time that we are treated unfairly, get out your jousting pole and show them what you are made of! Realize when to step up and when to step back. Also, realize when you are just marching in place and need a good smack on the ass to make something happen! Most of all, choose wisely.

Run Forrest Run!

I ran last night!

I was convinced that I would be able to go the equivilant of maybe 3 sidewalk squares TOPS... but I went pretty far down the street without having to stop!

This was a very incognito process mind you. I walked my dog (i.e. my dog pulled me down the street with his huskey-dog-sled instincts) and I went into the part of our housing development that is still being built. This ensured no people or cars would see my attempt. I then let Buddy off of his chain (because he would pull me straight on to my face if he thought it was time to run together) and I ran down the street! I didn't die, didn't keel over or get a side-ache right away... and I was still able to walk home! I went to our little grassy knoll in the housing division and Buddy and I ran back and forth a few times in my attempt at "sprints". This is really just chunky me running back and forth while trying to make sure that my dog doesn't run into the street.

I'm so excited and impressed with myself for being to go as far as I did. AND... for a few seconds... I actually enjoyed myself. Here in AZ it is already Spring weather and the days are longer so it's very refreshing to enjoy some of the sunshine and fresh air. I've actually been excited to do it again tonight before my Pilates class. Go me!

An exeption to the SB clause...

I received a phone call from my dear friend Heather and she asked me
1) if she was the gym buddy that I referred to in a previous post and
2) if I considered her one of the SB's.

First of all, I don't think that we've ever been to a gym. In our day that consisted of seeing how many long island iced teas we could lift in one evening or how many boys she could juggle! Second... No, I do not consider her an SB and here's why:

I've known Heather (light as a heather as I jokingly call her) for about 6 years now. I have seen first hand that the fact that she is a size 0 does not make her life any easier. We both leave the mall with slumped over shoulders because nothing fit us or looks good on us. We both look in the mirror and wince at this or that. And, while I probably have people that pity the chunky girl, she has people that straight out ridicule her! Skinny girls can be self-conscience too. Life isn't all bikinis and McDonald's for them either. While other girls sit around and complain about this or that and she joins in she is quickly put in her place like there must be nothing on earth that could ever affect her. While we were shopping for my wedding dress the sales associate told her that she just needs to eat more while she was holding up the size 2 bridesmaid dress that didn't fit her. I quickly jumped in with "she eats plenty, thank you very much". That is just as bad as looking at me in my size 16 and saying, perhaps you should lay off the doughnuts!

It's so easy to say "oh, poor little rich girl... or poor celebrity dealing with the paparazzi..." I'm guilty of it. But I would like to think that I am fairly open to the fact that there is more to things. Hell, I don't even know where I stand on many issues because I sit back and think about both sides... perhaps to a fault!

I wager that there is probably not one person (male or female) that feels completely comfortable in their own skin. People that have paid to fix things that they didn't like are just met with more options for future operations. I went to a water park this summer and was so surprised to see how many men and boys had their t-shirts on! I thought that men didn't care! My husband lost 60 pounds after graduating from culinary school. It's nice that I don't have one of those husbands with the hollow leg that can eat whatever they want but worry that you will let yourself go! He struggles with me while we both admit that we enjoy eating very, very much. We've both spent our share of time in front of the mirror, sucking in.

Does this mean that we can't joke with anyone in fear that they may have a complex? No, not necessarily... but keep in mind that (like I've said before) we all have our vices. We all have a story, a complaint, a miracle and a lesson to offer. Be open to others. On the flipside (see what I mean about not knowing where I stand) don't be too open. There is a such thing as letting too many people in or giving too much of yourself (yep... guilty). Understanding is one thing, putting yourself out there as a welcome mat is another!

Oh, and Heather... my avid reader, best friend and support you are officially exempt from the SB clause! Let's go to the mall and grab some doughnuts!

I realize that this post is all over the place. Perhaps it is a sign that I should post more often to keep an onslaught of rambling at bay!

Happy Valentine's Day!

I'm just a smiling fool today! Brian and I aren't doing anything special (we hung out on Sunday and had a pre-celebration) but we have Oakley tonight. I am going to dinner with the in-laws and he has band practice. . . however I am wondering if anyone will show once their wives find out!

I love looking around and seeing hearts and flowers and hearing people's stories. I know that I should be open to different ways of thinking - but all of those "I don't celebrate Valentine's Day because it's a holiday invented by the greeting card company" people irritate the living crap out of me. Just fold a piece of damn paper and make a heart and give it to someone. It will feel good, I promise! Hug those special people in your life extra tight and say things mushier than you normally would.

Even the single people should be able to take a deep breath and absorb the romance. It's everywhere! It's possible and out there!

Oh, and me and the scale are not on speaking terms. I weighed myself even though I said that I wouldn't and it says that I'm back to where I started. It doesn't get a valentine. I am thinking about maybe doing a monthly weigh-in. This one up and two down crap is enough to just drive a girl crazy! (crazier than I already am that is...)

Will you be mine?

I love me some Valentine's Day!

First, I love hearts. Anything with hearts screams my name. I have a heart tattoo and my kitchen is quickly becoming heart-themed. There is a gallery downtown with tons of hearts and the lady knows my husband by name because he goes there for holidays... and when he's in trouble.

Second, I'm a total and complete sap. I love romance. I love love! I love romantic movies, commercials, (the novels are a little too over the top even for me) but the classic romance novels. ::loud sigh::

Third, I love those damn sugar cookies with the pink frosting. I've eaten 5 in two days. I don't plan to stop. I know that I should... but I may just have to ask them to be my Valentine. I will make a mail box from a shoe box and put tin foil and doilies on it and then I will pass one to the package of deliciousness and hope like Charlie Brown that I get a response. If not, I will have the inch of frosting remnants on my ass to show for it. And then, back on the wagon!

So, on Tuesday I will give my fat rolls a hug and wish them a happy Valentine's Day and put off the weigh in for this week. I've promised my husband a fun evening once we put Oakley to bed... so maybe I'll work off a little bit of those calories! ; )

Wait... water weight?

I gained a pound... but I am hoping that this is because of my period. I will say this:

When I lay down I can feel my hip bones protruding again

You know how your hips go out and then your legs go in and then your fat thighs go out again? That curve is becoming straighter.

So, I will take it for what it is and try not to over-analyze.

::mumbling stupid scale and period, geez!::

Pity Smiles

Another blog that I read got me thinking. She said that she was concerned about what other people would think about the chunky girl at the gym. I've had that concern a jillion times. I remember being in PE and trying to give a sweet grin to the chunky girl with the bright red face and the bra that wasn't doing it's job. I was skinny then, but this in no way made me happy. I was a size 5-7 and was convinced that I had an unusually large ass. My grandmother taught me to suck in my stomach and my mom once told me that I was built like a gymnast. A few years later I signed up for a kickboxing class (one of my many all or nothing weight loss solutions) and I remember seeing myself in the mirror and realizing I was now that chunky girl with the red face. And my bra was absolutely not doing what I had paid it to do. I couldn't keep up, I had no coordination and some skinny bitch gave me a sweet smile. I thought that she pitied me.

As women we are catty. We look other girls up and down. What they are wearing, saying, dating and so on. It's in our DNA to be jealous and wary of eachother. Confidence is the equivalent of acne and self-criticism is like a new pair of Guess Jeans in the 80's. As many times as I've caught myself staring at another woman it's more that I'm measuring myself up to them. And I think we all do this more than just talk shit. Oh... I'd love to have those boobs, or that hair or that skin. I'd love to be able to pull off that outfit or those acrylic nails (I think I pick my nose too much for those). The one thing that unites us? The one thing that could bring us all together and hold hands and sing "I'd like to teach the world to live in perfect harmony" while swinging our arms? Our struggle to be beautiful and thin. It may be a trivial fight, one that has been created by the media and men that have too high of expectations... but at the end of the day, we all just want to feel good naked and be able to run up a flight of stairs without getting winded.

I honestly see women now and say "good for you" In my pilates class there is a woman there with a daughter my age and she is larger than me. Lord if she doesn't whoop my ass in some of those moves. And I tell her afterwards! That was awesome that you were able to hold that pose! AND some of the poses I can do and she can't do... and some of the SB's can't do (skinny bitches). And I've realized something. Because they're skinny does not mean that they are more healthy than me. I used to have a gym buddy that was a size two. She smoked like a chimney and could barely keep up with me. She was constantly sick. We all have our crutches, some just wear theirs on their belly rolls!

SO, to all you chunky girls and skinny bitches alike... when you step into the gym or go jalking down the street and I give you that 'sweet smile'. That isn't pity, that's GOOD FOR YOU! And... sometimes, what in the hell are you wearing?

3 is a magic number

I almost didn't weigh myself this morning.

When I lay down I can feel my hip bones... we have become reacquainted and it is nice. I had forgotten about them. I figured that since I am feeling physical results, why ruin it by stepping on the scale and seeing weight gain... or the same 'ol 175? It was 172~ ! This makes me happy. I'll totally take it.

I have my 5th Pilates class last night. I am getting better. I am still the chunkiest girl in the class but that's ok. I'm improving and probably can't get any worse if I just keep going to class. ::crosses fingers::

The three-mile hike wasn't too bad. I thought I may have to beg everyone to stop and take a rest on a rock on the side of the trail. I walked the whole way. AND the next day I could still get on and off of the toilet. That's the real test of a workout... do you cringe as you get on and off the toilet? Do your legs shake as you take on this task? Are you suddenly trying to convince yourself that you don't really need to go that bad?

Happy Friday

First off, yay for two very stubborn girls coming together and realizing that their friendship is too important to turn their backs on. I am so happy that Tracey is back in my life. I just feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Tonight I plan to relish me some retail therapy. A male coworker asked me what that was. I explained that it is where you buy things that you don't really need... with money that you don't really have... all while the endorphines rush through you. The word cute will be used quite a bit, as well as "but it's on sale!" I may even decide to purchase a pair of jeans but can't promise anything.

We may go hiking with the in-laws and Buddy on Sunday. I think that this sounds like a whole lotta fun... even though my in-laws (who are 70 & 60 something) can totally run circles around me. sigh. Baby steps.

What the Hell?

Ok, I get it. Weigh yourself only once a week and at the same time of day because it can fluctuate... but I wonder if my fluctuation is worse than others. Or perhaps it just feels that way.

I woke up and peed (tried to do more to affect the scale...) and then stepped on. 174... sigh... one pound. Oh well, I'll take it. Then I took a shower and got out and thought, hhhhmmm... maybe the scale was wrong. So, I stepped back on and it was 177! How on earth did I gain 3 pounds? Does the water in my hair weight that much? I am so irritated!

I realize that I can't expect instant results. Especially since this isn't a diet... but rather trying to live more healthy. I suppose I need to keep telling myself that.

I have this quote posted to my computer screen at work:
"Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you're going to do now and do it." --William Durant

Baby Power Steps

175. Size 18... or 16 at Lane Bryant. Haven't even attempted to try on pants at most stores...I hardly ever try on clothes period. I'm not completely miserable. I don't own a full-length mirror and I'm pretty sure I think I look much skinnier than I actually do. When I get pictures back I'm convinced that I don't usually look that large. I've tried to stop asking the husband "is my butt as big as hers?" Sometimes he's a little too honest. When I get upset, stressed, happy... or any other adjective I eat. When I got some bad news last week the mere thought of a Whopper made me start to feel a little less anxious. I had to remind myself that I was nearly out of gas to keep from going and getting one... and then eating it in my car in the parking lot.

Why the first paragraph confession? I've decided to own it. Yep... lay it all out there. It's not the end of the world, so I wear my weakness on my love handles.

My goal? To lose 40 pounds.

Every time in the past that I have decided to do this I sit down with my diet cookbook and make a shopping list. I go and buy new workout clothes and a walkman. I get a few workout DVD's on netflix or off of Amazon. I promise myself that I will work out every other day come rain or shine. I don the new sneakers and eat well the first day. By day three I'm over it. I have people cheering me on and I decide that I don't want to do this because it's no longer my idea. I have an "all or nothing" attitude. This time? I have started being a little more conscience about what I am eating. I have signed up for a pilates class twice a week. As I get more comfortable with this I will add more. I have added one night at the gym so far. But I didn't kill myself. I have told myself that I really didn't need that mini kit kat right before bed and layed there with a smile on my face. Proud that I didn't eat it.

I want to get pregnant some time this year. However, I hear so many women say that they wish they could get back to the size they were before they were pregnant. So this makes me think, what if I had to say that I wanted to get back to pre-baby weight + some? I also want to have a healthy, active pregnancy. I'm lucky enough to be 26 and married and planning for a baby. After my crazy, young, party days and pregnancy scares I really want to do this right.

So, I need to take baby steps to change (doesn't that sound very What About Bob?) in order to get to where I can power walk and run... so that I can have a baby... and then lose the baby weight.

Martin Luther King Day

Me: Do you know why you didn’t have school today?
Oakley: Because of that one guy
Me: What guy?
Oakley: That one guy that like…says stuff
Me: Uh huh… is he sticking up for people?
Oakley: Yes
Me: Who?
Oakley: Um, God?

I knew that charter school was a bad idea!

The Month After Christmas

After doing multiple lunges to fit into my jeans this morning I thought that this email was appropriate to share:

The Month After Christmas

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,

The cakes and the pies, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt

I said to myself, as I only can -
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So, away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll only chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore .
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Tranny vs Fatty

I've been listening to the Adam Carrola show in the mornings lately and I just laugh my ass off. Work has been fairly quiet as friends have decided not to talk to me anymore for no apparent reason - so I fill the silence with inappropriate talk radio shows... and this makes me happy.

This morning was a little disturbing. They asked men who they would rather sleep with - a post-surgery transexual or a fat girl. They said about 82% chose the tranny. Why would a man open himself up to questions about his own sexuality just to keep from admitting that he may have slept with a woman with a weight problem? Now, I can't say that I am in the category of fatties that they are talking about. They said that they would need to be in the low 200's. "A dude or a deuce" they said.

I read a magazine article where a woman was very candid about her weight problems. She had a lot of people that would come up to her and offer what they thought was constructive criticism or advice. Diet tips, hair tips, etc. She pointed out that these were people that had affairs in the past, gossipped uncontrollably, drank excessivly, etc. But, since her weakness was out there for everyone to see it was like she was the one that was viewed as weak or pitiful. I have to agree. I would rather be chunky than a devious bitch, liar or thief. I think that many times we gang up on overweight people because we are scared of our own weaknesses. Everyone has a vice.

Any thoughts?

Post-Holiday Hello

I had a completely laid-back Christmas and it was fantastic after all of the wedding chaos. It was me, Brian and his grandmother. We had Christmas with Oakley on Saturday and then he went to his mom's for the holiday.

Brian did so well on my gifts. I have given him very specific lists for the past two years of what I want. I have never received anything from them. I can't complain though, he really does a good job and this way I'm always surprised.

Today is my two-month wedding anniversary and I just couldn't be happier. I have been told that perhaps I'm still in my honeymoon phase, but plan to enjoy it no matter what the hell it is!

It has snowed quite a bit here, but it's my favorite kind of snow - - the kind that melts before I have to drive in it. It is funny, however to watch all of our Southern California transplants try to drive in just light flurries. You'd think that they were in two feet of snow with zero visibility. I can remember flying down the freeways in SLC in a foot of snow.

I doubt that I'm alone but I am having some serious post-Christmas spenders remorse. I did go a little nuts as much as I said that I wouldn't. The excitement of being an Aunt and sending out packages full of presents just overwhelmed me. However, when Christmas finally came and it seemed just like any other day - but with a ton more phone calls to make! I am going to write myself a note and put it with my decorations next year. I don't want to be kicking myself again three days later and grimacing when yet another Christmas song comes on the radio (and I LOVE Christmas songs!) My dad and sister both had all of their decorations down and the tree on the curb by noon Christmas, at least I'm not that bad.

Things will probably be different next year when we have Oakley and the whole family isn't gone. I want to make sure that it's much more about warm fuzzies than mounds of gifts. One really doesn't equal the other.

Wedded Bliss

Yes, I do realize that it has been a little while... but as one very great procrastinator once said, better late than never!

The wedding was lovely and I was able to keep my sanity throughout the planning and the actual day. I was so happy to see so many loved ones travel from so far to be a part of it! It was really a wonderful feeling.

I was worried about post-bridal depression and I do have to admit to bouts of it. On our way to San Diego I saw a couple of bridal shops and thought, oh...I should pop in and look around... and then realized that I had no reason to. The day that I had dreamt about forever and ever is over... and never to be again. It's a hard realization to swallow. When I came home and saw my pretty veil hanging there I got really sad, I have no reason to ever dress up that much again! I told Brian, now I'm not a bride... I'm just a stupid wife. Bless his heart that he doesn't take offense to such things. Perhaps he has finally come to terms with my lack of sanity, or kooth (sp?).

So, in the face of depression I quickly threw away my stack of Brides magazine and reorganized our guest room which had become wedding central. I then threw the manic bride syndrome into holiday planning. Before Thanksgiving I had all of my shopping done, decorations up and nearly all presents wrapped and under the tree. The only reasons that all of them aren't is because I am waiting for the rest of the online orders to come in. I also ordered, addressed and stamped all of my Christmas cards and have had to convince myself to at least wait until December to send them out.

'Tis the season!

Many Moons

I realize it's been like seven Sundays since I've posted - so I will do some catching up for you.

Brian and I finally decided on a location for the honeymoon and we will be driving to Napa. I am very excited. We found a gorgeous resort there and booked the "Napa Experience" package. I am hoping that this means mucho vino and a tipsy Nisha. I don't drink hardly at all anymore, but what better excuse to get tore up than a weekend in Napa? I've seen Sideways, I know. (actually that was quite a disturbing movie...)

The clubhouse for our housing division is finally finished, and thank GOD we decided not to have the wedding there. Don't get me wrong, it's very nice ... but the wedding would have never fit there, on top of the fact that we would have had to rent everything for it. However, I am enjoying the pool and gym. Yes, I have donned a swimsuit this year. I figure, I don't want to be the mom that is at the side of the pool fully dressed because she's afraid that someone will see her chunky thighs... I want to enjoy myself. And, ahem...I'm a hottie compared to some of the women! lol.

The wedding planning is coming along very smoothly. I rented the first season of Bridezillas and realized how lucky I am - and how lucky everyone around me is! haha. Most of the stuff is already taken care of and I really don't want to sweat the small details. When else will there be a huge party with nearly everyone I know for me and my husband? I'd better enjoy the hell out of it, come what may.

I'm now afraid that I may become depressed once the wedding and honeymoon is over. Brian keeps saying that he can't wait for it to be over so that we can get back to regular life, but I LOVE being in planning mode! I won't know what to do with myself afterwards. What will I talk about? What will I do with my pile of subscription to Bride's magazine? Brian really needs to prepare himself to come home to me hanging out in my wedding dress and veil. It's bound to happen. But seriously, I LOVE the Christmas season. I'm so happy while I'm shopping & decorating and wrapping. But, once all of the presents are open, I want to cry. It's OVER! Lord knows what will happen once the last thank you card is mailed and it's all done. I will probably need a copy of the Notebook, elastic waisted pants, a bag of Dove dark chocolate, a box of Kleenex and leftover Napa wine...STAT!

Oakley and I went to see 'Over the Hedge' a couple of weekends ago. Cute movie..blah, blah, blah. The point of my story is that I saw a lady in the concession stand line with hair that I wanted so BAD! It was huge! She had the greatest spiral perm and bangs, I was literally jealous. I wish I could pull off that look still, I wish I were clueless and didn't care that I was stuck in the early nineties. I want to rat my hair so bad, this boufant (sp?) isn't cutting it anymore. Give me some banana clips and barrettes! I want my hair to be permed with wings, I want to use White Rain and scrunch!

My little brother signed up for the Navy. At first, I was so upset...I was ready to write letters to personally stop the war. I was in immediate psycho sister mode. There HAS to be a way to undo the oath he just took, he doesn't know what he's saying! He was just kidding! But, then I stepped back and stepped out of my hippie hemp sandals and looked at things from his point of view. He wants to see the world, get out of Elko, go to school...and I want that for him too. The Navy is probably one of the safest branches that he could have signed up for. But, if he gets deployed...I may need to chaperone...just to make sure he's ok and well cared for.

There are officially 100 days til the wedding (yes, I've quickly slipped back into Bride mode). It is coming up so quick!

Mr Postman

So, my invitations are in the mail. It was the most surreal feeling mailing them out, not good or bad...just strange. I stared at the stack for a couple of days in disbelief. The wedding went from just an idea to something very real and tangible. I have most of my contracts signed and we have decided to hold it at the resort. I have a wedding website and my registry done. I've picked up my dress and two of my bridesmaids already have theirs.

Now that things have come together in the wedding planning category we have yet to figure out where we want to Honeymoon. You'd think it'd be easy to figure something like that out, however we have quite a few hurdles. Neither of us are very tropical people, I burn just thinking about the sun and I hate water and being wet. Not all of the time, but most...even in the bathtub I usually have all of my limbs sticking out. Brian is the same way. We are getting married in October and don't want to spend our honeymoon anywhere that resembles a tundra...this leaves out most of the country in late October. Also, Brian doesn't want to honeymoon in the Southwest and I don't want to spend the entire time getting to the actual Honeymoon. Does your head hurt yet? I feel your pain.

Wedding Planning & Spring Training

So, I have my dress, the photographer, DJ and minister is picked out. But where in the hell is my wedding going to take place? This is the question of the year and it is driving me nuts. Originally we had decided to keep everything cheap and do most everything ourselves. However, now I realize that this means renting chairs, tables and setting everything up on my wedding day and breaking it all down on my wedding night. In which case our attention has been directed towards the Prescott Resort. Even though it would break our entire budget they could set up our whole ceremony and reception for us. Centerpieces and everything. We would only have to find out "chicken or fish" from the guests and out of towners could stay at the resort. Even though the price tag is high, it makes a ton of sense. We'll see though, Brian and I have an appointment with them on Wednesday.

The action-filled season of T-ball has started again this year. This means sitting on metal bleachers and cheering for random children whose helmets nearly cover their eyes. This means that most kids will be sitting on their bases or chasing a butterfly in left field. Many will run in to eachother chasing the same balls and none of the throws will make it remotely far enough to land in to a mitt. This means keeping track of hats, mitts, shoes, shirts, etc between two houses as well as remembering that Monday is swimming lesson day. This means overpriced picture packages which include buttons (who wears these) and team pictures of squinty eyed little boys. But it's SPRING! And what better place to be than on a metal bleacher screaming "you can do it, keep your eye on the ball!"

Checking In

I thought that perhaps I would put a "normal" post on here as I know I have seemed like a crazy lady lately. If it comes through in your blog, then you know there's a problem!

I know that I have mentioned that work has been slow lately, but it has gotten to the point where I am actually trying to work slower to ensure that my afternoons aren't so full of dead time.

This weekend we had a bunch of people over to hear Brian's band. It went much better than I thought it would. A ton of people came up to him and said things like ' don't take this the wrong way, but this was WAY better than what we expected '. He was really proud. I got to show off my cute house and this makes me very happy. It also gave me a reason to clean for most of Saturday. Sunday we took Grandma out for lunch and were just lazy for the remainder of the day.

I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and I am so thankful that I read the book first. I ended up turning it off. They left out crucial parts of the book that are needed to fully understand the character. One of the main things that sets her apart is the way that she looks at the world. The character in the movie is not near as fascinating as the one in the book.

Per a close friends recommendation (Hi Quel) I also watched Searching for the Wrong-Eyed Jesus. I really loved it. It has a lot of truth too, I know that when I was in Georgia I was more aware of God, you can feel it down there. Must be all the God-fearing kin folk or something. I also recommend this movie. We should all search for the gold tooth in God's crooked smile.

Wedding planning is going well. It will be a lot better when our location is built and we can visualize what kind of ceremony/reception we are looking at. We have tried to figure it out through the framing and plans...but neither Brian or I are very construction literate. He wants to send out the invitations like, yesterday...but I would like to make sure that we are inviting people to the actual location of the wedding first. Everyone knows essentially when it is.

Have I mentioned that I am petrified of marriage? Scared to death. I am so excited about my actual ceremony, I think about it at night and fall asleep with a little smile on my face. I have my dress saved on my favorites on my computer and I look at it throughout the day and let out a dreamy sigh... but the actual thought of marriage. . . makes me want to run and hide. I am already living as if I were married, and when I pray I get really calm and know that I am where I am supposed to be. But I don't know 40-year old Nisha, what if she's really mad at me for the decisions I'm making right now? I'm easily overwhelmed, I suppose the vastness of forever and two entire futures (plus children) is enough to make anyone get a lump in their throat. It's a leap of faith, my odds are fifty fifty. I will have to work every day to make it work, the notion is just insane sometimes! lol.

MUCH better

So once again life is looking good to me. I hate rough patches, but I suppose that they are par for the course in the game of life. I realized that I have really wonderful friends, fiance and even my doctor, nurse and counselor. I am truly a blessed girl.

Work has slowed down considerably lately, I have been done putting in orders and everything by three or three thirty. I used to barely get out of here on time. It should speed up soon though because the schools start purchasing again during the summer for the upcoming year.

No more what ifs

I have spent the past five days bed-ridden with anxiety. I am sick of it running my life. I went to my counselor and she told me that I need to get back on my medication right away. I am going this morning at nine o'clock. I don't care if I need to take medication for the rest of my life, people with heart diseases don't think twice...why should I? I'm sick of not eating, I've lost six pounds.

I just took on too much, and I have been trying to be perfect to everyone and have tried to keep everyone happy. Anyone's stress I take on as my own and make myself sick. I am going to go back to counseling to learn how to not do that.

I urge anyone that is sick with anxiety or depression to not be afraid and to take any measures needed to help themselves. I know that it seems dark and hopeless and you are the only one that can fix it...however weak and hopeless you feel. You can get through it. Life is genuinely good, sometimes you can just get overwhelmed and need a little help. And think of how lucky we are in this generation to have the medical profession understand so much about it. I plan to take advantage of that and get better.

Much too efficient

I am BORED! I have finished everything that I had pending and the last five minutes are dragging. I feel like I can feel the second hand clicking, and I think it hesitates before it does so. So, I get to ramble and have it up for the world to see. This is what I am driven to. I keep trying to jump on myspace, but once I do I realize that I don't have anything to do on there. I'm not quite sure how it keeps some people occupied for long periods of time. Ah well, maybe I'm just bitter because not much happens for me! ; )

Tonight is dinner with the in-laws and Grandma. There is some tension from recent comments and so on. Of course, we will all pretend like everything's just fine and smile through clenched teeth. They will leave and I will be able to fight with Brian in private! haha.

I just finished the book Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood. I recommend it to any girl that is much like myself and was usually the last one standing and could outdrink most of the guys. That seems to become your identity after a while, and it's hard to turn your back on that girl. Very hard.

Before that I read Running with Scissors (disturbingly good) and Memoirs of a Geisha (loved it, but was a little disappointed to realize that I wasn't actually reading a true story...the joys of being blonde I suppose).

I get to play Easter Bunny this weekend and I am very excited about that. Oakley asked for a harmonica...fingers crossed I can find one!

No Go

Apparently I was ripped off when I bought my Neon and they couldn't go through with the trade-in, so for now I get to keep my car...however I am being constantly reminded about what we can't do- without a truck. Meh. I'm over it. I can laugh about it a little bit as I picture Rick the Dealer, Brian and his dad standing around with hands on their hips talking about how women shouldn't be able to buy cars by themselves. Brian's father has been adamently trying to get me to cancel my warrantee, this may also keep him up at night. But if I run out of gas on the side of the road and want roadside assistance...by God I will pay the extra $2 a month to ensure that. And, I don't mind the idea of stressing him out a bit over my $2 a month rip-off.

Tonight is band practice in my garage. sigh. I am trying as hard as I can to stretch my day a bit so that I don't have to endure the entire "set list". I have heard Brians' songs a million times and even if I'm present for the entire 3-hour jam session he insists on bringing in the recording of it and pointing out highlights while he plays the CD over my television on the DVD player (ruining any chance of distracting myself watching the TV guide station).

I never did point out that I found my dream wedding dress! You know it's the right one when you feel skinny in it. Not just acceptable... like an actual toothpick. No wait! A HOT toothpick! haha.

My visit with Clara and Brandy was tons of fun and well overdue. Unfortunately they brought a huge snow storm with them so they couldn't enjoy the lovely weather we usually have. That's ok though. Game night was a huge success and Buddy has a huge crush on Brandy. He's been a little down since she left and walks around with the toy she bought him in his mouth. (or what's left of it.) He tried to chase me this morning as I was leaving for work. This resulted in at least three laps around my car in the middle of the cul de sac with Brian right behind him yelling every word in the book. By the time we got him back on the porch the cat had escaped. Brian held the dog down while I ran to my car to leave and he knew he was in trouble and accidentally peed on him! Brian said through clenched teeth "leave NOW". I just stood there for a moment with my hand over my mouth. He must love his Tuesdays off. Especially because I wake up pissed off every week. My mornings are very fragile! ; )

Keep on Truckin'

I drive a Neon. Worse, a Neon with a spoiler...which makes it sporty. When I went car shopping I didn't care if I went home in a two-tone 85 Le Sabre, the only criteria I had is that I didn't want a Neon. I bought a brand new one.

Brian has hated my car from day one, I realize that it's not the greatest thing but I think his strong feelings for it keep him up at night. There have been many weekends that we decide to run errands together and he requests I drive, I do this without thinking. Suddenly he suggests that we just "stop by" a dealership and check out other vehicles. I get so stressed out because I don't want to just trade my car in on a random Sunday afternoon. Finally, yesterday we test drove trucks and I agreed that we will trade in my car on a family truck. This way we can build our dog run and finish our landscaping. Brian will become popular to his buddies on moving day. He and his father are at the dealership right now trying to make a deal and they will call me when they need my signature. I prefer it this way because car deals make me very uncomfortable, mostly because the dealers are so stereotypical. The one that is currenlty helping us has a limp, false huge teeth and a gigantic gold sapphire ring on his pinky. His name is Rick and "he's been doing this for 13 years".

Brian turned 34 on Sunday and we went to Sushi. I use this term very loosely in Prescott. I'm not big on the lingo or any of the other culture that goes along with it. However, I'm pretty sure that the sushi cooks behind the counter aren't supposed to be a white boy and a Mexican with slightly slanted eyes. Also, our waiter was a veteran meth user and resembled Kip from Napoleon Dynamite. He also had tight jeans, a plaid shirt and a leather bill fold hanging out of his back pocket. I overheard conversation at the other table "Jim likes Ginger...don't you Jim. Did I ever tell you the story of when I fell off the ladder?" I doubt we will return anytime soon.

Florida was beautiful weather and it was nice to get away. I think that the best part was returning because Brian and I missed eachother so much. The first day was quite the honeymoon. That lasted less than a day! ; ) It was a lot of hard work and a long week away, however I missed a snow storm here and got to hang out at the beach one morning so I won't bitch too much. My skin loathed the humidity and I came back with a horrible complexion. I am such a desert girl.

Long time...

It's been forever since I've written (that sounds like it came directly out of my Jr High diary).

You know what I hate? When grown men pile in to the back of a pickup truck, freezing their asses off in their hoodies and then STARE at the person driving behind them. Very awkward. Especially when I am trying to eat my string cheese in the morning. Honestly, if you are heading to a construction site and have to pick up a few of your friends, or...as it sometimes is...your amigos. Perhaps you should take the low rider van and not the two door Toyota with the letters scraped off the back to spell "yo".

My sister and Brandy arrive tomorrow night and we are going wedding dress shopping on Friday. This petrifies me. I have never seen myself in a huge white gown. What if I look like an albino whale? What if I get struck down by lightning? haha. We are also doing the pictures for my wedding invitations this weekend, that makes me feel so...Mormon! The fact that they are not being taken in the Temple gardens or at the Great Salt Lake is somewhat of a relief I guess.

I am going to Florida for a tradeshow the week of the 19th. I have never been to Florida and can't help but picture Miami Vice, or an episode of CSI-stupid small town girl that I am.

I went to the dentist and realized that I have a huge fear of the bastards. I sat down in the chair and burst in to tears. I think it all goes back to when I got my bottom wisdom teeth out and came home with a ripped mouth and two black eyes. The dental office gave me a valium to take before my cleaning yesterday, but it didn't work at all. They should really make their tools less shiny, I think it's the sparkle on the hook of death that is about to scrap the shit out of my tooth that scares me the most. They could at least make it look more friendly. Speaking of friendly, they just built a children dentist's office and it looks like a fun house. Add the bright colors with the "bling" sound on the tools and that would send me screaming out of there...complete with flailing arms.

The palm

Can you tell that I totally got caught yesterday trying to update this? Yes, there is an abrupt ending. I will finish now that I am off of the clock for a few moments. ... Not that I had anything else really to say.

I had a palm tree in my living room that I bought from Walmart for the low, low price of $10. The aphids in the soil must have been free because before I knew it the leaves were covered and the tree was emitting a sticky sap used as its "defense" all over my carpet. I guess there's a spray that can be used to get rid of it, but Brian's dad forgot to bring it over... like five times. So this weekend I was so over it and the tree now resides in the garage/band practice studio.

Brian couldn't handle that there was an empty spot where the tree used to be. His OCD has a hard time with symmetry, or the lack thereof. He called me from the road this morning after leaving Home Depot with a new palm - $50! My lord. I thought he had been robbed until I went home from lunch and realized that are living room is now a jungle complete with small black panther (Wednesday) and dopey dog (perhaps doing his best monkey impression). This thing is enormous! Brian tried to smoothe things over by telling me that I can always trim it down. I do not want to be a palm groomer as I picture the men in California on the ladders ripping down leaves on the street side. One day I may need a ladder. This comment was quickly followed by "and don't kill it because it was damn expensive". Damn being the key word. So, if you come to my humble abode for the first time please understand that you will be greeted by a palm the size of the potted trees in a Miami hotel lobby. Yes, there is symmetry... however there is room for little else.

I took Oakley to see Narnia last week. As we walked out he said "you know who my favorite actor was? The lion!" Yes, Oakley... the lion was a great actor. People around us snickered. I really liked the movie though, they kept to the book so well and I don't think that they could have cast a better white witch.

Off to the gym. I have been going every other day... and hating every living second of it. I don't understand the people that say things like "I really enjoy working out" PLEASE! I have a scowl on my face the entire time and usually hold a grudge for at least an hour afterwards.

First snow!

It finally snowed here! I thought I was seeing things last night when I let Buddy out to go pee... and if you think I was surprised imagine what an 8 month old puppy who's never seen snow though. He was so freaked out when he came back in covered in snow. By this morning he had caught on and he was jumping around and playing in it. Why is it that when it snows it seems lighter and quieter at night?

Things have started to recover. Although we don't have full custody we are still very fortunate to have such a wonderful little boy in our life. I got this emailed to me and thought it was hilarious:

*FEMALE PRAYER*:Before I lay me down to sleep,I pray for a man, who's not a creep,One who's handsome, smart and strongOne who loves to listen long,One who thinks before he speaks,One who'll call, not wait for weeks.I pray he's gainfully employed,when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.Pulls out my chair and opens my door,Massages my back and begs to do more.Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"I pray that this man will love me to no end,and always be my very best friend.Amen* ** ** ** **MALE PRAYER:*I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniacwith huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a boat.This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.Amen.

My Merry Christmas

I'm pretty sure that anyone that reads this already knows that I got engaged on Christmas morning. I am so excited and suddenly can't stop looking at my hand! The blog may start to get a little sappy with wedding planning in about a year or so. Hold tight. You may want to cover your eyes! lol.

The past few days have been hellacious. We filed a request for emergency custody of Oakley for a very good reason and it was denied. Once again, we were punched in the stomach by the system. Dad's lose their visitation rights all of the time, mother's however can get away with nearly anything and they are the ones with the rights that are protected. I know that it's an old cliche that the court system and CPS are completely f*cked. But, it wouldn't have become a cliche and something that's heard all of the time if it weren't completely and utterly true.

Christmas, however, was just perfect. Christmas morning Brian and I woke up even before Oakley (I'm not sure if I even went to sleep!). I went and woke him up and he was so excited and gracious. Every gift was "what I always wanted!" I got the Chronicles of Narnia and I'm nearly done w/ book two. This proved to be the perfect gift as it's the closest thing to literally taking me away from this world the past couple of days, which is exactly what I have needed.

I should have probably split this up in to two different entries, as one is so exciting and happy, and the other is just sheer bullshit. So, now that we're all cross eyed and shaking our heads from my blog, I will post and go home.

Sentimental Fool

I find it necessary to point out that I am a complete and hopeless sentimental fool for the holidays. Everything about them somehow gives me a lump in my throat. Oakley and I were driving to his Oma and Opa's house dancing and singing jingle bells and I got a quick glimpse of him in my rearview mirror, I had to put on my sunglasses so he didn't think I was a crying crazy lady.... as opposed to the regular crazy lady that he's sure that I am.

What is it about everything holidays that makes a person warm and fuzzy? Are there subliminal messages in bells and organ music? I caught the very end of Home Alone on TV, where the mom comes home and hugs Kevin... I hadn't even watched the whole movie and that part alone made me choke up.

Sleepless in Seattle is another wonderful holiday movie. I realize that only the beginning is holiday-themed, however it's all based on a Christmas wish of one little boy. I was a mess last night watching that one. Damn that little Jonah.

Brian's sisters have arrived from Denver and New York for the holidays, so they're pretty much in full swing here in AZ.

One question that I get a lot this time of year is whether or not my tree is hanging upside down from the ceiling. My answer... definitely not. Rather, hell no. My sister has embraced the tradition and may carry it on as her own but I have not. I hated being the girl that people would come up to in the hallways and say Oh YOU'RE The one with the upside down Christmas tree! People would drive by our house to see it in the window. I suppose that living in a yellow house with a pink fence and pet pot-bellied pig may have shaped my character somehow... but at the time I just wanted to be normal!

Whew, suddenly my inner child came out for a short tantrum. I apologize.

In short, I cannot wait to see Oakley's face when he runs out of his room to find a bike with a huge red bow. I love to see him pull up a chair and sit so that he can sit and stare at the tree. I want to give him the world and the best holidays I can. My Christmas wish is for full custody, perhaps if I put it in writing it is more likely to transpire.

Three Gophers

Oakley: You know those three gophers?

Nisha: Um, no.

Oakley: I forget their names, but they like, they.... I don't know what they are called.

Nisha: Honey, I honestly don't know what you are talking about.

Oakley: Um, I don't know what they are called, but I like their music.

*Lightbulb*
Nisha: You mean the Chipmunks???

Oakley: Yeah! I like them!

You gotta love morning drives to school conversing with a seven year old. He never ceases to just make me smile and make my day. I love watching him walk to the playground after I drop him off. His backpack is bigger than he is and he loves to wear hooded sweatshirts, with his hood on. He just looks so grown up and small at the same time walking by himself. He told me this morning that he likes the guy "with the horns" on the wizard of Oz that sings the lollipop song. We sang the song together a few times after that. Weeee wish to welcome you to munchkin land!

We finally got our kitty fixed yesterday. She is really sore and confused now. We have her quarantined because our dog (aka miniature horse) is really rough with her. We used to feel sorry for her, but then noticed that she loves it. She walks up and smacks him with her paw on purpose so that they can play. He never hurts her, and if he did cross a line she has claws and would teach him.

I sewed curtains for my living room. Yes, you read that right. Presently one is about a yard longer than the other (shit!) so I have to do some altering. Life used to be trying to remember what happened the night before and deciding what to wear and wondering if he would call. Now it's dinners, homework, baths, bedtime stories, landscaping, curtains.

I plan to tackle the holiday crowds and get most of my shopping done on the day after Thanksgiving. It's a lot more fun to shop as Santa for a seven year old! Now... where do I hide a bean bag chair?? haha.

I am such a sucker for the holidays. The music puts a spring in my step and nearly every holiday special, movie or even commerical chokes me up completely!

Scaping our Land

Brian and I have taken on the daunting task of landscaping our backyard. Up until now it has been a pile of dirt, enclosed by an eight foot wall. The dog loves it as he thinks it is especially for him. The problem was, during monsoon season it turned into a mud pit... just add Buddy. So, we had to wrap him in a sheet when we got home each night and put him directly in to the tub. He didn't understand why we would do such a thing. As if bathing him isn't a pain enough... drying him is even worse!

So, with a ton of aid from Brian's father we have started to landscape. I didn't realize that this would mean that I would have a ziploc bag of "rock samples" in my purse. Last time I had something like that in my purse... well... we won't go there! lol. This task also means a lot of time spent in the backyard with our hands on our hips pointing at the dirt and talking about what exactly we are going to do. I stand there with my hands on my hips and smile and nod... waiting for the opportunity that I can sneak away and go watch TV.

Tonight we are getting 17 tons of rock delivered on our driveway and we will take it wheelbarrow by wheelbarrow in to the backyard. And by we I mean Brian, and whoever else he can find. I thought I would be helping more, but I honestly have never used a shovel and I am very scared of driving a wheelbarrow. I just want to wear cute hats and gloves (matching) and sit in the dirt and grow a vegetable garden and flowers. I will buy cute signs that say things like "garden of weedin'" and put them in the soil on posts.

On top of the landscaping we have the holiday season upon us. The preparation seems endless, and ... where exactly is the money coming from?

The smell of school supplies

I love it in You've Got Mail when they are comparing the feeling of fall to the smell of bouquets of #2 pencils. It really does smell like brand new school supplies! I love the feeling in the air. It makes me really happy. It's nearly dark already and I am still at work, if they change my schedule with daylight's savings to 5:30 again then I will leave and see the stars already! We have pumpkins on our path at home that look so cute. I would love to go ape shit and buy a bunch of decorations, but I figure I will just do a couple each year so that they are ones that I really love. I am so excited to pull out my Christmas decorations! ha ha.

I think that we may host Thanksgiving at my house this year. This will be my chance to prove to myself that I can host something without turning into Monica on Friends. I turn into an absolute freak trying to make everything perfect and then I'm absolutely miserable to be around... and Brian and I are usually fighting by then! Not this time... fingers crossed....

Forever and a Day!

Gosh, I have been the biggest slacker ever. Either that, or not a big enough slacker as the only time I really have to get on here is at work.

Clara was here this weekend and it was a blast. I was so excited to show someone from my family what I have done with my life these days. It's a far cry from where I was just a year ago (thank God!) ha ha.

I am loving this season change. Suddenly, in one afternoon it got crisp and cool here. Now I can pull out sweaters and the sort. No more shaving legs or showing bare arms. I am a happy girl. Time for scarves and layers! The only thing that I don't like is the closed toe shoes... my feet literally get claustrophobic. The housing division I am in is brand new so people are enjoying decorating their new houses. I really need to get the time, energy and funding to plant some bulbs and clear a section of my front yard. I would love it if I had flowers popping out of the snow in February!

I somehow spent hundreds of dollars in one weekend while Clara was here. We didn't even go out or shopping or anything! We did eat a lot and I think a lot of it was gas money... but still... I need groceries! ha ha.

We had Oakley's b-day party this weekend. He was an absolute sweetheart... I was nervous becaose I know that most kids turn into hellions when it's Their day. He opened his gifts and threw the wrapping paper away himself, used all of his manners and everything. It was Godzilla themed and turned out really cute, thanks to my sister's creativity. She's a lot better at that kind of stuff than I am. We had Oakley in the backseat of my car with 18 green and yellow Godzilla balloons and he kept saying "helloooo, there's a kid back here!" I took pictures of him peeking out from behind them. I hope that they turn out. I'll post some if so.

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes
on inside people.
He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed,
arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority,and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility,
kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and
faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his
grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
Author Unknown

I guess I scared some people with my blogs while being sad and having boyfriend problems. Rest assured, I am a big girl and even while crying I can handle my own. We are doing better now (for now).

I have decided that the song Total Eclipse of the Heart should be outlawed from station and allowed only in the comfort of you own home. How does it sneak on to your radio station in your car only when you feel so emotional and like your life is over? This always leads to crying and singing loudly. Losing your voice follows and snot on your face is pretty much a given. If I ever get elected in to office that's the first bill I will pass. I honestly haven't done much at work yet today. I should probably get on that.

I came outside today to find that my sidewalk (which has been ripped out for a couple of days to be fixed) has been repaved in exactly the same way that it was before. The non-curb part of our driveway is halfway in our yard. At first I wanted to track down the cement truck and yell at them, but they did have to put up with me at 7:30 this morning madder than a hornet because they were asking me to move my car. This included having to fold my arms to hold my boobs since I didn't even bother to put on a bra, or hide the fact that I was giving them death glares.

I have attached pictures of us hanging out. Brian and his dad were hanging blinds while the rest of us were repotting my house plants and hanging out on the porch.

I rely on my illusions to keep me warm at night.

SO

I spent last night at Brian's parent's house, in Oakley's room on his day bed. I woke up this morning still crying. The Johnson's no more tears shampoo in the shower did nothing for mine.

I have had like eight million funny stories to tell from since Labor day til now, but have been so busy. Mostly not busy, but lethargic. Lethargic because I am not dieting until next Monday and in the meantime I have been eating cookies for breakfast. Not small cookies, large ones. Not chocoloate chips (except for the ones Allison baked and brought in to work with the morsels. I must have thought morsels meant small, or tid bit because I think I may have eaten the majority of the tempting morsels) chocolate chunks. Large ones on the large cookies. Wash it down with some crab dip, potato salad, and a sandwich and you got yourself a reason to struggle putting on your pants. I saw What not to wear this weekend and a woman had like my exact same style. Could you just die?! Oh yeah, but then I figure once I am uncomfortable in my chair that I should drink a lot of water and maybe take a multi vitamin... and refresh my lipstick. A girl has to hold on to her looks after all.

My must go home.

Visions of Hash Browns danced in my head.

I showed up to work today with my pants on backwards. That pretty much begins to sum things up. I dreamt last night of hash browns, gravy and chicken fried steak. I went to work a half hour early so that I could stop at the Blue Hills Cafe and eat breakfast. I was a very happy girl, however about a half hour later my stomach realized that it hated me. Hated me very much.

While I was at the Cafe the couple sitting next to me bowed their heads and prayed before they ate. I don't know why but little things like that still surprise me about living in a small community. We are growing so much and most of the implanted people are from Southern California because we have the mild climate with the small town feel. We also have Phoenix close for the city life and Sedona close for a retreat. It really is a great place to be. Sometimes I feel dumb being in Dewey, which is nothing more than a rest stop on the freeway. It's growing though, and it will take our property value with it.

I am so very excited to have three days off. Tomorrow I am the only person in customer service, let's hope no huge disasters surface. If so, maybe I can put them off until Tuesday.

Therapeutic Nothing

It's been forever. I keep telling myself that I really don't have anything new going on, but my last posts weren't written because I necessarily had something new and exciting going on in my life. I just find something in my nothing to write about I suppose.

Clara's coming at the beginning of October and I am so excited. Finally someone will get to see my new house and my new life down here. I really think that she needs it too. Brian has a friend that is coming from San Francisco that just needs to get back to the basics too. He's in two rock bands and lives down town. Our house means hanging out on the porch in a rocking chair and playing with a dog, cat and a six year old. I think that's the perfect therapy!

I was really on a roll today. Kicking butt on email requests for info, ETA's, tracking, etc. I found out late this afternoon that none of emails were being received externally. I was receiving, and people in the office were receiving from me... but everything important that I did wasn't received. Irriated by this? Yes, yes I am. On a let's-look-at- the-bright-side-note, I don't work in the warehouse. Since it's the last day of the month they have to wait until all of the shipments are done and then physically count every product that we have on the shelves. They will be here until the wee hours of the morning, before returning to work to do the regular shipping and receiving. To make this easier I have stopped putting in orders a half hour early so that they can get started. This also means that I have decided to be done for the day and instead will dick around at my desk and on my blog. he he, I said dick.

It will be so nice to have a three day weekend. Brian on the other hand is working like 8 days in a row. He wants the house spotless for his buddy, not like it's not already really clean. Oh well, I guess it gives us a reason to do the mopping and stuff like that.

Saliva Mohawk

My poor little kitty crawled up on me last night while I was on the couch reading Cosmo and as I went to put her I realized that from her ears to her neck was completely sticky with puppy saliva. There was even a booger (nose or eye, I don't know) in the mix. I had to clean her up and love on her a bit. The whole time Buddy was trying to join in the episode. He gets so jealous and has the cutest face. It's very hard to be mad at him or ignore him for long. When they play she bats at him and gets up high for an advantage. When she's not on something he usually pounces on her, holds her down and tries to see how much of her head he can fit in her mouth. He doesn't hurt her, he just pretends to bite the shit out of her while holding her down with his paw.

I got new bedding and both animals had to be involved in putting it on the bed. The dog was trying to lay in the middle and the cat was trying to attack the sheets as we tried to straighten them. Once we add more kids in to the mix it's really going to be a circus. (sp?)

I saw Kathy Griffith's special on Bravo and just about died. She had me laughing so hard. She's a bigger asshole than I am and I find that hilarious!

Happy hour tonight at the Outback. I get off earlier now so we will have longer to order 2 for one! Whoo Hoo!

Tomorrow I have no Brian or Oakley until after 3 pm. I am going to watch chick flicks, read cosmo and stay in my pajamas until then. I can't wait!

tick, tock

The afternoons have been so slow lately. After all of my bitching about being overloaded with work I'm sure that this is being greeted with eye rolls from anyone (poor souls) that happen to be reading. However, this does mean that I have time to write... and shop online. Lord help me. It is way too easy to press "add to cart".

My dog and I grow increasingly closer every day. He was bought for Oakley, and picked out by Brian, but he has become my dog. I took him to the puppy park yesterday and he's almost figured out fetching. He was so tired when he got home. He snored all night.

I have a pedicure appointment tomorrow. Thank goodness. My feet are so scaley. I'm still broke, but Allison got me a gift certificate for my birthday. She must have taken pity on my scales.

I promised myself that I wouldn't get addicted to the Real World ever again. . . but the Real World Austin has won... and I am a viewer. New episode tonight in the ten spot.

I have been having some really strange dreams about people that I haven't thought about in forever. This probably means that someone from my past will be showing up out of the blue. I hope it isn't someone crappy but the universe doesn't take requests.

Counting down the minutes until you're off takes on a whole new light when there's over 50 of them.

Hindsight

I saw this on another blog and thought that it was a good chance to be retrospective. (Scarey!)

Ten years ago today
I had just started my Sophomore year of high school. I had just come in to my own style and had my hippie clothes and long hair.

5 years ago today
I lived in California with my ex fiance, I worked for a natural pharmaceutical company and was starting to realize that there was more to life than what I had found so far.

1 year ago today
I had just gotten asked out by Brian for the first time. I was ecstatic! I had also just returned from Utah... having been flown out for the last time by the District Attorney's office. I also was dealing with a huge decision that I had to make. I was a mess... but a happy, excited, scared mess.

Yesterday
Work was extremely slow in the afternoon. I went home as usual and walked the dog after dinner. Brian made his turkey burger Santa Fe Style and his plate gorgeous. I just wanted to have pickles, mayo and ketchup with mine. We watched the 100 greatest artists of heavy metal before going to bed. Buddy slept next to me and we snored in unison.

Tomorrow
I get to wake up to Oakley in the living room watching cartoons and playing with the animals. I get to stay in my pajamas and read a book. Allison is finally back so we will catch up and go see a movie.

5 snacks I enjoy
Chocolate, Sour Cream and Cheddar Backed chips, Chocolate covered pretzels, Chex mix and popcorn.

5 bands I know the lyrics to most of their songs
Stevie Nicks, Martina McBride, LeeAnn Womack, Fleetwood Mac, Sublime

5 things I would do with $1,000,000.00
Lay naked on it (no, not really). Help my friends, pay off our house and debts, go back to school, donate some, do something outlandish and irresponsible with a dash of spontanaity.

5 bad habits
Sleeping too much, picking my nose, being obnoxious, gossiping, overeating. (that was way too easy...spooky!)

5 things I like doing
Sleep, eat, be with my family, shop, talk on the phone, read.

5 locations I’d like to run away to
New Orleans, Italy, Paris, Morocco, A castle...

5 things I would never wear
A tube top, a moo moo (sp?), velcro shoes, a training bra, a size zero ; )

5 famous people I would like to meet
The Dalai Lama, Stevie Nicks, Jessica Simpson, Matthew McConahy (sp?), John Stewart

5 biggest joys at the moment
Brian, Oakley, my pets, my extended family and friends, my house, my good fortune

5 things on your bedside table
Lamp, box of writing, journal, buddha, picture of me and my sister, my mom's journal, books, magazines. . .

5 things you save
Cards, Pictures, Books, thoughts in my journal and blog

5 things you won't travel without
Just the necessities. I'm not a heavy paker and I hate to pack.

And yet I love his grumpy ass...

Fighting with the bf. I wanted to go home and just take the dog for a walk, but now it started raining and his mom and grandma are coming over so I will need to act like Merry Sunshine er Happy Future Daughter in law. Why is it so hard for some men to allow themselves to be happy? Like being constantly grumpy is some sort of sign of masculinity. I don't get it. I feel like I've been dancing and doing cartwheels in front of him for months, while he tries to find more reasons to be pissed off at the world. I'm tired. I didn't get an invitation to his stupid pity party and I wouldn't want to go anyways. It takes so much more energy to act the way he's acting. I would have just given up and gone and taken a nap a long time ago rather than mull around like this.

Naps are the cure all. This may be why I've spent so much of my life sleeping. My sister says that I'm like an infant, as long as I'm not tired and have been fed I'm fine. If not... whoa, I'll let you know.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean that my job in life is to keep him happy. I am beginning to learn that. Yes, I'm a shoulder and a support, but you become annoying when you are trying to cheer up a person that doesn't want to be cheery. This also ruins my moods and it creates this whole vicious cycle and suddenly we are fighting (again) and don't know why.

I have some house plants that I need to repot tonight and that makes me happy. Also, future mother in law and Grandma are bringing pizza. My puppy's cute and Oakley's at the house. Custody battles and mediation agreements suck ass... but I'm not going to waste my time stomping around and cursing God over it. Not that I'm perfect at handling situations. I can be just as stubborn and sulky as the rest, but come on! Can a girl catch a break here?

Right at the base of Bell Rock....

Sedona was overall enjoyable, but our Anniversay was off to a rocky start in the beginning. I think that we both just put so much stress on things going well (even though "well" is defined completely different in our own minds) that we end up at each other's throats. We got to the room that I was so proud of finding only to discover that the picture I was showing off to everyone had been digitally enhanced. The hotel had been moved to the base of bell rock even though it was across the street from it. The pictures of the rooms looked like they had been cloudy and pieced together, however that was the whole picture of the room, witch clouds placed in certain places. When we walked in to find that the jacuzzi room looked like something straight out of the seventies, only more cramped we were both upset. Brian because it was $114.00 and me because I thought that he was dissapointed in me. This escalated as Brian was hungry and I was a crybaby. The room wasn't even in Sedona, it was about 8 miles away in The Village of Oak Creek! The jacuzzi tub that I was so excited about was in the middle of the bedroom and it was for one person. Once we had filled it up and realized that most of the water had to be let out so that it wouldn't overflow when my fat ass joined in things went downhill. Then we realized that we both didn't really fit comfortably anyway. We gave up and went straight to bed. Happy year anniversary. The ride home was the best part. We went back up through Jerome and went to some of my favorite galleries and then had lunch. We were so happy to pick up Buddy and head home. We both missed him a lot.

Brian started his new job yesterday and Oakley started first grade. I came down with a case of the flu. Other than that things are very domesticated and normal. Just the way I like them.

Anniversary

Tomorrow Brian and I are going to Sedona for the day and got a hotel for the night. The room is right in front of the red rocks and there is a jacuzzi in the room. I am very excited. We really haven't had a romantic trip with just the two of us before. We've also never had our first anniversary before. August 11th last year he asked me out on our first date. I was so excited, I couldn't believe that he had asked me. We moved so fast in our first year, but when you know you know.

I chopped of all of my hair on Tuesday. I didn't think that it would be so drastic, but it ended up being like 8 inches. Looking at the hair on the floor it was like a small animal or something. I love it though. I had missed my root pump and velcro rollers dearly. I wanted to grow it out, but I didn't do much more with it than a half-assed pony tail.

Buddy is staying with Brian's parents tomorrow. It should be funny to see how he does and how excited he will be for us to get back and for him to be home. I just can't believe how much companionship they provide. I honestly understand the saying "Lord, please help me to be the kind of person that my dog thinks I am"

Buddy

We have a new member of our family, Buddy. Oakley picked him out and named him. He is sucha sweet little guy and we just love having him around. He is a three month old Husky/Boxer/Lab mix. Judging by the size of his paws he's going to be really big when he's full grown.

Nitrate Meltdown

I know that it should probably go without saying, but make it a general rule to never eat at a Chinese Buffet. Especially one who's sign says Ch a Buff t because of burnt out neon letters. Brian and I would pass it all of the time and he would beg to go. I thought he was kidding in the beginning, my culinary genius begging for that place? I finally gave in last night and we went. Before we even left he said that he was on Nitrate Meltdown, meaning that all of the food has too many salts and MSG in it so it gives people a headache. By the time I got home I was on the floor and very unhappy. I had to sleep in Oakley's bed because my stomach was upset and I was so restless.

We are halfway looking for a puppy. I took it a couple steps too far and called to set up appointments with some of the foster parents. Brian and I decided this morning that we should wait until we have more money to invest and perhaps monsoon season is over so our backyard isn't a mud wrestling pit. I cancelled the appointments this morning. Instead we are probably going to take Oakley to Walmart tonight to pick out a fish or something small like that. I'm afraid he may have his hopes set on getting a dog soon. Maybe for his birthday or Christmas.

Rain on my parade... please!

My birthday has been so amazing. It is raining and thundering out side and the sky is a sad blue. I love this weather, the kind that makes you want to stay in bed with the one you love all day. Speaking of the one I love, I have the most beautiful red roses that he brought me on my desk in a mason jar. That's perfect. We are going to dinner tonight.

I think this is the best birthday I've ever had. My future in laws had us over for lunch yesterday and gave me the sweetest card and some houseplants for the house (they don't know me at all huh? Mud pie and houseplants... just like roses in a mason jar).

Brian's grandma (who I absolutely adore) took out her jewelry box and told me to pick something out for my birthday since I've been so good to her. Hello? Tears much? She went through and told me the stories of all of the items while the whole family sat at the kitchen table. It's like Hallmark come to life. I chose a necklace that was her great aunts.

One day you wake up and realize that your life has finally begun. You assume every role that you knew you would and run with them. I am very, very lucky. Today is truly a day to celebrate.

Eyelash Wishes

I suppose it was a little naive of me to think that I could blow a stray eyelash off of my fingertip and wish for the mediation to go well. Oakley's mom and Brian went through mediation yesterday and we learned that there's a reason that Arizona is viewed as a pro-mother state. Although we are clearly the better environment and household for him to be in, unless Oakley is in immediate danger they will not attempt to take him from his mother. This breaks my heart. We don't want to take him completely from his mom, we just want to give him the kind of life that he deserves and isn't getting. Hopefully one day things will look up. All I can do now is try to be the best mother figure that I can and be there for him 100%.

The trip was actually a lot of fun. It was nice to see my family and catch up with a lot of people. My Uncle Jim's family is an absolute kick in the ass. I always leave there with my cheeks on fire from laughing so hard. My cousin's new wife fits in perfect and is a great addition to the clan! I got to see my favorite person in the whole world, my Grandma Fran and even though she is in the nursing home with advanced alzheimers, I saw a glimpse of the woman I love and idolize. I just had to look really deep in her eyes to find it.

I was able to see friends that I haven't been able to set quality time aside for in past visits. Sorry Jason and Anna! It's not easy with a jury trial and all. ; ) But I do think of them often and love them very much.

Mostly it was just so great to reconnect with Heather. It's the third time we've done the trip and this time it was under the best circumstances. Most people would get sick of someone else, but once I got home I had to keep myself from calling her a few times a day to catch up!

Of course, I didn't plan on being the pathetic girlfriend that misses her boyfriend so bad it hurts. Brian and I had only spent one other night apart before this trip. I thought I would be fine but I missed him tremendously from the moment I started to drive off. I'm sure I drove people crazy, but I couldn't help it... thanks all for being so patient when/if I was whining.

Tracey is still as beautiful and fantastic as ever and Austin just fills my heart with joy. I am completely at home with those two and it's a really great feeling.

It was also great to see my dad, sister and brother. LaMont and I went shopping together and I got him the new Harry Potter book. I was just so excited to have a sibling that is as excited about books as I am! Clara and I went shopping and she was an enormous help and really great for my self image. I didn't feel fat around her and had a blast in Lane Bryant (ahem... I am the SMALLEST size there after all!) LOVED IT! My dad looks so great, he looks younger than I ever remember him looking. Like he did in pictures when I was a little girl.

I got all three seasons of the Newlyweds for my birthday and I am the happiest girl in the world! I have been watching that and hanging out with my cat and Oakley. It's always nice to get to go and see your family, but when you come home to your future husband and step son it makes you realize that you really do choose your family. I love mine.

Off to the land of Zion

My trip is finally here. Tonight I will go as far as Flagstaff and crash at Heather's and then we will go to St George tomorrow and visit some of her friends, stay the night there and head to Utah on Thursday. I have a ton of stuff planned and a ton of people to see. We'll see if it actually all pans out, it usually doesn't. Kind of like everything that I planned on getting done this weekend! Ha! I hardly did any of it. I ended up going out Friday night and getting hammered. I haven't done that in so long and learned quickly that I'm not very good at it anymore. It was just supposed to be a couple of beers over dinner. I skipped dinner and drank like 8 beers at Outback and then proceeded to go down town with Meagan and close the bar. I spent the next day puking and miserable. I'm getting old! ; )

Oakley lost another tooth last night. He freaks out and needs a band-aid over a hang nail but came up to me with a bloody kleenex, mouth and tooth like it was no problem! I couldn't believe it. He said that the tooth fairy must have already been asleep so he will put it under his pillow tonight at his mom's. Last time she gave him candy... doesn't that seem a little counter productive as a tooth fairy?

I actually have ZERO emails in my in box at work. That hasn't happened in forever! Scared of when I get back, but for now I can actually relax (knock on wood) on my vacation!

Friday Night

I can't believe how quickly my trip to Utah snuck up on me. I thought that I had forever and now suddenly I have a ton of stuff to do and I want to be caught up on work too. I would hate to come back and be in trouble for dropping a ball or something. I guess that'st he big nerd in me that worries so.

Tonight it is to the Outback for happy hour, laundry this weekend, haircut tomorrow, take my car to the shop on Monday, I'm getting my kitty fixed on Tuesday and leaving Tuesday night for Flagstaff. Gotta love procrastination. It's nice to know that most of the people I am visiting are also poor so perhaps I won't be the only one trying not to spend too much money. I'm not getting paid for my vacation so I need to be pretty thrifty because the smaller check will come out right about that time.

A ton of people at work have birthdays this month so we're all going to be fat on cake. We've already had two. Oh geez, but at least one of them is mine! ha ha.

Damn Perky

Oakley is so damn cute, I had to put a picture of him in here.

I was told that I seemed much too negative in my last post, so now I am going to be (as my dad would say) Pep, pep PEPPY! No, actually I'm not. I think that I would make myself want to vomit, like girls like that usually do.

Honestly though, I am (sort of) positive. But I have the right to be butt hurt and go home and take it out on my boyfriend don't I?

My sister and I got into it and haven't talked for four days, this happens every once in a while, but I hope that we start talking by the time I go to Utah to see everyone next week!

Brian's job has me so mad, and I can completely relate because I used to work for the same place. They don't deserve a man with his amazing work ethic and talent. I have half a mind to tell them but he's determined to stay and be the bigger man.

Last night I weighed myself and then I did it again this morning and was four pounds lighter, how in the hell does that work? Why am I not skinny yet? Argh.

Nightmare on Mercado Street

So, not last night but the night before I had dreams that I was working all night. I had to sleep in Oakley's bed because I was keeping Brian up. I woke up at one point trying to put "paperwork" on his night stand. I didn't get a wink of sleep.

Last night I had nightmares all night about family members that still haunt me. All day I have still been so angry and irritated that things still bug me and will never change. I got a call from my sister to hear that the same old stuff is up. I have a rash and I can barely breathe. I should have known. At least I don't have to see them though, not that I would have gone out of my way to do so.

I want to go home early today. I have a ton of over time hours from this week anyways.